That's A Wrap

Well, I am officially no longer on summer holiday, which means I am "able" to check back into the blog world! Ok, I guess I kind of am still technically on summer break, but I've stopped traveling, have work meetings and classes to plan, papers to sign and things to figure out, and am now in my new town, Ecija, looking for an apartment. So to me, that says, "Sorry girl, but your summer is up. But hey, look on the bright side, paychecks will be coming your way soon-ish!" Another bright side: a totally new year, full of new experiences, in a new place!

Where I am living/working this year is an hour from Sevilla, 45 mintues from Cordoba, and nicknamed "La Sarten" (the frying pan), because it's the hottest place in all of Spain. Get excited for me now or later, either way is really fine. I'm going to be living here for nine months, and after the amazing three months of travel I've just had, I'm finding it so hard to accept that I will be "stationary" here for "so long". Even harder to accept that I am actually staying in Spain another year, giving it so much more time in my young years/life, and continuing to do the same thing I've been doing for the last year and a half. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against it, just. . . the idea of staying in the same country for nearly three years, is a bit anxiety-provoking for me, considering all the ideas I have, places I want to go/live in, and things I want to do, all before I'm 30.

Teaching has been such a rewarding and fruitful experience for me, and I love Spain so much, but I was really unsure about making the easy choice to take my new placement and stay another school year. I felt like maybe I was copping out by choosing to stay, chasing paper instead of passion. It was clearly the easiest choice I could have made. I didn't have to move too far, I didn't have to look too hard for a second job, and I didn't have to go to another new, foreign place to start completely fresh, with no job security. On one hand, I wanted to just show up somewhere, trusting that God would lead me into the right job or opportunity. Go to a farm and volunteer or do a work trade somewhere. Go to Asia and find a practiced healer and ask to study with them. I knew it would all turn out, and be so rewarding, but I also knew that staying in Spain was a really good way to make money, save money, and then embark on my Big Trip. So I opted to stay, hoping that moving to a new town would satisfy my "I've surpassed nine months here, and am ready for the next place/thing" feelings. (I tend to, after nine months anywhere, be satisfied with my time, and ready to get on to the next place.)

Ecija has 40,000 residents, and is considered a big village by many, though the town itself isn't very large. It's got a really rich history, and is a really charming and welcoming town. But it is definitely a town, and I will definitely be seeing my students all over it whenever I'm out and about, as well as their parents. For some, this would be an issue, but I don't particularly like alcohol, so there's no "oh crap, my student's parents will see me drunk in the streets" going on, thankfully. But there isn't going to be as much separation between my work life and outside-the-classroom life as I'd like there to be. Which is also, strangely, part of the draw to living in a small town (assuming you like your students). Also thankfully, this summer has left me feeling so incredibly optimistic and aligned, that I'm sure this year is going to be full to the brim with goodness and further growth!

This school year, I am planning on learning to play my banjo, studying Italian, becoming a Reiki master, taking an Integrated Kinesiology class in Sevilla, learning to juggle, exercising regularly and getting back into my semi-obsessive healthy habits, reading as many books and articles as possible, and working on furthering my connection to all that surrounds me through the Holy Spirit/allowing God to take me into my next dimension. Because it's a small town, I'm going to have to get really creative and be really active if I want to avoid becoming bored and stagnant, so that's also really good -- forced motivation. And with it being so close to Sevilla and Cordoba, I can easily get to a bigger city any weekend that I want. Other really good things that I've already encountered in this place include:

• Everyone is so flipping nice here! In Sevilla, people were friendly, but here, they're actually really open! I've had at least three older ladies initiate contact/conversation with me since I arrived less than 24 hours ago, and nearly everyone I've come across on the street has exchanged a greeting with me! That is amazing, and a really special trait!
• I already have some friend connections. I know it seems crazy, since I've spent less than 24 hours here, but I came to visit the town back in June, and wrote to a couchsurfer to see if he could host me a couple days. He never got back to me, until about a month ago, which worked out perfectly, and I am actually writing this from he and his future wife's apartment (future as in, they're getting married on Saturday, and still are hosting a stranger). The moment I met up with them yesterday, I knew I had found some people with a vibe that could match mine. And that, when you just arrive to where you're going to be living, is hugely helpful! As well, one of the people who showed me a flat yesterday has horseback riding lessons a few times a week, and I decided I'm definitely going with him sometime. Horses have always been my sweet spot, and this kid's got a great mentality, so I'm happy to spend time in the light of his energy.
• Apparently, there's some really cool organizations and groups that are active in this town. There's a cultural group here that organizes different activities, and is made up of a lot of foreigners and alternatively-minded folks. So I'm going to join this group of people, and who knows what activities I'll end up doing! Maybe I'll end up in some sort of Spanish theater while I'm here! One of my possible options for this year was to move to New York and do theater for fun while working as a waitress, I could always substitute NY with a small town in Andalucia, right? It's life after all, and the options are endless!
• Rent and life are pretty cheap. I've only been paying 230 euros/month + bills in Sevilla, but here, my rent will be well under 200. Which is good, because that kinesiology course isn't cheap! But Asia sure can be, and that's where I plan to be by November of next year. :)

So really, despite my concern of "how the heck am I going to manage to live here for nine months," I am really excited for this year, and know it's going to involve MAJOR continuation of the growth and centering that this summer started! I am taking up a lot of new things, going to meet a lot of new people, and will definitely continue feeding my habit of travel. After all, it is my last year living in Spain! (...for now...) I am, as usual, highly optimistic about the situation, and really looking forward to all that is to come. In the end, life is what we make it, and I'm planning on making it as full as learning, growth, love & light as I possibly can! Woo!

I hope that you all had an amazingly fulfilling summer, and are embarking on whatever it is you're doing with a fresh perspective and a healthy, positive attitude! Life is such a lovely thing, and it has so much to offer us when we're optimistic. Give thanks for all, and know that in each moment, there's a blessing hidden and a lesson learned! I love you, dear brothers and sisters of mine, with every ounce I've got!

Sending you endless Blessings, Love & Light!

My Experience With Eating Disorders

As I was reading some old journal entries, I came across one from September 21st, 2005. I was 16, and a junior in high school at the time. In the entry, I am talking about pretty standard stuff for a 16-year old girl. The Mexico mission trip I went on with my youth group, water polo practices from 6-9am during the summer that were "ruining my life", boys, boys, and more boys, parties, my boyfriend at the time and how we became a couple, and how "this year has been a year for love & partying." But then as I flipped the page to continue reading, I was completely shocked by what I had written next...

"I decided I'm going to do something very unhealthy, I'm going to stop eating. I want to get hella skinny & w/e (whatever) so I'm going to just not eat. It won't be hard to do. I just will eat on game days cuz that's crucial. This will actually save me money too cuz I won't be spending it on food."

This blew my mind. I couldn't believe I'd come across a written account of my decision to become anorexic.

I didn't become an anorexic the summer after my junior year, but I did my senior year. I'm not sure if I stuck to my choice that summer, I don't remember sticking to it, but I do remember being overtaken by the disease my senior year. It didn't last long, maybe just a semester or so, but it came on strong. I still remember opening the fridge and looking in at the food, telling myself that I knew I needed it to live, but also knowing I didn't want it, and choosing to close the door without taking anything out. I remember loving that all my jeans were saggy in the butt because of the weight I'd lost, in spite of my boyfriend making fun of me for it, and being told by my swim coaches that I was getting ripped, because a six pack was starting to show where there hadn't been one before. And I remember lying to my parents when they asked me if I'd eaten, and making up some meal when they asked what it was I ate.

It's because of the months I spent as an anorexic that I 100% understand when people say it's a disease that takes hold of you. I was an athlete, I knew I needed to eat. Food is survival. But I could not make myself eat more than half a Power Bar at a time. I just didn't want food, I didn't care about food, and the thought of putting it in my mouth made me sick.

Weight is a huge, huge issue for people, and one of the most-talked about topics of the western world. In a world where obesity is becoming a norm, and GMOs have infiltrated most of what we eat, we're becoming even more aware of health risks, and how crucial it is to be healthy. But there is a MASSIVE difference between being aware of your lifestyle, and being obsessed over your size.

When we look in the mirror, we usually see a distorted version of ourselves. It's distorted by the preconceived notions we have about ourselves, the opinions others have flung at us our whole lives, and the images we see in the media of men and women who are supposed to embody the ideal person, and who we forget is photoshopped. So when we see ourselves, we see our flaws. When we look at a picture, we can only find what we don't like, and rarely agree with every other person who could say that we look great. We become scared of food, like it's the enemy, instead of our minds, and start to treat ourselves like rabbits or test subjects, in hopes of turning out like the people in the pages of the magazines and on TV.

I have had body issues for as long as I can remember. I have never thought of myself as thin, in spite of what everyone around me said, and what I have seen in pictures from the past. Because I played water polo for so long, year-round for half of those years, I always felt broad, big, and too strong to be a sweet little female. I figured I wasn't truly a fat person, but that I was a big girl. And that is pure insanity, because I was so skinny growing up, my grandma thought my mom wasn't feeding me when I was a little girl. I was always this tall, thin, leggy little twig of a thing, but the second I was no longer a double zero pant size, I started freaking out, and thought I was getting fat. Accepting that my fully grown and general pant size is a five or seven took forever, and my broad water polo shoulders didn't help me at all when I wanted to be thin, but had to buy large screen print tee's. (Keeping in mind this was at stores like Abercrombie, where they purposefully size their clothes smaller to avoid larger people from being seen in the brand.)

Nearly every photo I see of myself from the time I was in seventh grade to now, I look at and think how thin I was. I see a trim girl, who looks athletic, healthy, and happy. I often long for that body, and think how stinking great I looked. And that's surprising to me, because with each photo I see now and think how great of a lil bod I had, I distinctly remember seeing it during that time period and seeing nothing I liked. I thought I was "fat", and while I still don't think of myself as really fat, I sure as heck don't consider myself as thin as I'm sure I really am. Even when I hit a record low-weight for me my last year in college during water polo, I still didn't see it. I am 5' 7", my healthy weight range is from 133-138, and I was at 128lbs. My dad thought I was anemic or anorexic, all my teammates and friends were commenting on how thin I was, and all I could do is get on the scale and smile, but still not see what they did. Not, of course, until now, when I'm about 15lbs heavier, and see just how thin I was.

This issue arrises as a result of so many different things. It's a combination of our constant chase for more, something better, and what's coming next, our dissatisfaction and removal from the present and grateful state, and the fact that we literally cannot realistically live up to the images we see. Combine that with the fact that we do not see ourselves as we truly are, and you have got one messed up mind to overcome.

I do not know exactly what we can do to try and help kids, but something has to be done. We cannot continue to raise children who think less of themselves than they should, and end up with eating disorders or suffer from self-confidence issues. We need to be raising children with a little tough love, and fill their minds with a lot of self-love.

If I have a son or daughter, and they ever get to a point where they think their best solution is to stop eating, I don't know what I'd think or do. It is not okay to continue this way, people! We have got to work on addressing this issue, and slam some healthy lifestyles down! When I read that, I ached for my 16-year old self. The me that thought she wasn't thin enough, and wanted to be so skinny, she just decided not to eat anymore. And the fact that she said it wouldn't be hard, wow.

We have got to love each other more and harder than we do now. We have got to stop giving ourselves reasons to compare ourselves to others. We have got to address the fact that nearly every human in our society has these issues of self-doubt. ANAD says that up to 24 million people suffer from eating disorders.

TWENTY-FOUR MILLION PEOPLE ARE STARVING THEMSELVES, BINGING AND PURGING, OR ON A USELESS DIET.

We cannot let this continue. We cannot continue to lack love. We cannot continue to disregard ourselves, and allow others to do it too.

Love one another harder, longer, fiercer, and with everything you have got. Compliment people as often as you can, strangers and friends alike. And don't be afraid of being some bubbly weird-o, tell people they're awesome! Be bold, be beautiful, be daring, and dare to care enough about your brothers and sisters to embrace them as they are. We can make a massive difference, and we must. Why should we continue living with these destructive thoughts of "not ______ enough"? Let's choose to accept ourselves, and others, and let's choose to select a healthy, happy lifestyle!

Please reach out to anyone you know that's suffering from an eating disorder. There are people everywhere who are waiting and wanting to help. And if you yourself are, find your favorite picture of your most healthy self, and speak love to it, till you feel full of it. And then sit there in it, and know that it is you, you are it, and love and beauty is all that exists within. It is time we change this trend. It is time we start to focus on feeling good and being healthy, instead of feeling hungry and being skinny. We can do this!

Major blessings of health and healing, love & light

<3

Alone in America

I've been home now for just over a month, and have been to parts of four different states (California, Utah, Colorado, and Nevada). This has given me ample time and opportunity to observe my own culture, compare it to the culture I am used to in Spain, and come to some conclusions. Now, like anything, this doesn't apply to everyone, every city, or every anything. These are simply my observations, feelings, and conclusions. And my biggest conclusion, is that here, you are so alone.

In the United States, it is very common to live in a house. Most of the cities are composed of neighborhoods and shopping centers, but it's hard to find a block like those that are common in Europe -- apartment buildings, sometimes the ground floor is also a store, but if not, there's probably also shops, bars/restaurants, and other retail places scattered within it all. Here in the States, we have the area where you live, and the area where you shop. There are big clusters of houses that make up the neighborhoods, and then you, usually, get in your car and drive if you want to go eat, shop, or run errands. In Europe, you just walk downstairs, and probably within ten minutes on foot you're wherever you need/want to be.

Our homes are large enough that we don't really need to leave them if we don't need something from "the outside" world. We store up so much in the walls of our homes, that until it runs out, we try to avoid the store. We make small talk with our neighbors when we see them, but not many people try to take the relationship to the next level and actually turn it into a friendship. (Which is strange and silly, because who ever wants to stop living with/near their best friends?) And then, when we do have to leave our house for anything other than work, which is also found at home for many these days, you're in your car, apart from the other people doing the same things you are. You aren't in a public bus, because "they're dangerous and ghetto." You aren't in a metro, because, well, they don't really exist here. You aren't walking or biking along next to someone, because things are so spread out, to think about biking to Costco makes you prefer the thought of eating the grass in your backyard. Even the stores you could walk to in ten minutes, you never would walk to, because the thought seems so strange, and you are probably going to buy more than you can carry back. You aren't in contact with anyone until the moment of whatever transaction you left the house for, unless you had to ask which aisle it was in, because stores are so oversized and overly-filled here, that even with those little signs telling you what's there, it's still impossible to know it all. And then, you get back in your car, separated from the other people around you, traveling in your own world, thinking about your own time, in this little capsule that closes your off from everyone and everything else around you. And you go back into your garage, and close the door, locking you into the confine of your comfortable home, away from the world outside.

We are so alone here.

Our culture is not one that is designed around walking everywhere, seeing your neighbors on the streets, running into the checker from your usual market outside the pharmacy, seeing the same faces sitting in the plaza or park near your building, or all the kids playing together while the parents and grandparents sit on the benches and chat. Our culture is spread out, it's separate, and it almost feels designed to keep us apart and alone.

I know it's becoming quite a global way of being, that we keep to ourselves, stay in the mold, and try not to interfere with other people's lives, but when I see an older couple, clearly struggling, their electric wheelchair doesn't work quite right, so the wife gets out to try and push/navigate it across the street instead, then the plastic bottles they're collecting start spilling out of the bag, all the while they're on the corner of a major intersection, and there's another two people sitting less than 20 yards away, not moving a muscle to try and help, it makes me stop, think, and actually cry. Because, why are we so wrapped up in not being together, one, connected, to jump up and help a sister or brother in need? Why are we so comfortable with a distance being kept between us and others, that we are almost afraid to cross that line or border? Why aren't we actively correcting the loneliness that we feel inside, when all it would take it is saying hi to any stranger you see? Why are we the most socially connected people that have ever lived, yet we're the loneliest?

I love the U.S., I really do, and this trip home, seeing more of it than I might ever have before, I love it even more. It's a beautiful place, full of beautiful people, great food, and so much to see and do, but I cannot believe how alone we are in America. I can't believe how we could have such a strong sense of community and patriotism, but only because we live in a neighborhood, not because we are connected to the people living around us. Why do I sit here, surrounded by so much space, but feeling like I need to make myself even smaller? Why do I keep my eyes dead ahead on the road, instead of looking at the cars stopped next to mine, and smile at the other drivers? Why do I see hundreds of faces a day, but so few of them are smiling? Why are we so alone?