What Will You Suffer For?

A friend shared this link today, and through reading the article, I was struck with a real "oh moment." The article is saying that we can judge what it is we really want in life, based on what we're willing to suffer for. And as such, we shouldn't be asking ourselves what we want in life, as that answer generally comes quite easily, but instead, we should be asking, what are we willing to suffer for? For what in life will we endure all the risks, all the gains, all the struggle, smiles, and especially, all the pain? Mark Manson writes,

"If I ask you, "What do you want out of life?" and you say something like, "I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like," it's so ubiquitous that it doesn't even mean anything.

Everyone wants that. So what's the point?

What's more interesting to me is what pain do you want? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives end up...

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all...

Choose how you are willing to suffer.

Because that's the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have the same answer.

The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?

Because that answer will actually get you somewhere. It's the question that can change your life. It's what makes me me and you you. It's what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together." (Source)

I think this is an incredibly interesting and insightful way to consider what it is we want in life. It is so true, that it is so easy, to say what it is that we want, and that those answers usually are related to pleasurable things. You never ask someone what it is they want to do or have in life, and get some horrid, negative response, unless they are suicidal or having an awful day. We all want some pretty "basic" things in life -- love, happiness, to feel like we're making a difference or doing something meaningful, and to be able to support ourselves and our loved ones. But when it comes right down to it, what do we really want? Or, as Manson puts it, what are we willing to suffer for?

Considering this question, as opposed to its more positive alternative, definitely helps me have a very, very clear answer about what it is I really want and will do in life. I am given insanely clear answers when I ask myself, "What will you suffer for?" "What pain are you actually willing to endure?" And, "What risks will you take, accepting every and all parts of the outcome?"

"What will you suffer for?" The ones that I love.

I will spend all my money, use all my time, go the distance, and be left hanging, all for the sake of my loved ones. I will make the effort, I will do what it takes, and you know what, if they don't meet me half-way, that's fine, I'll go their half of the way too! I will kill myself trying, even if they always won't or don't. I will be left in debt because I booked something, thinking my friends would come, just to be left alone. I will suffer like this, because in those moments that we are all together, that it happens, and we come together, there is pure, unconditional love, and nothing in the world is more beautiful. Nothing else matters, except that we are together, and we love each other. None of the struggle involved is present, and it is sheer bliss. That is what I will suffer for -- those moments when everything really falls into place, everyone is there, and we are just in our massive cuddle puddle, laughing and loving like there's nothing else going on in the universe, because we are it.

"What pain are you actually willing to endure?" The pain of loneliness.

I am willing to accept that I have chosen a lonely lifestyle; one in which you move often, and to far away places. You leave behind your family, friends, and current girlfriend/boyfriend, in search of new places, new languages, and unknown lands. I am willing to spend days, weeks, months, and perhaps years, without friends, but be living in a new country or city, constantly learning and expanding. I am willing to accept and love myself enough to know that sometimes I will be all I have. Of course I never really go alone, since my God is always with me, but I am willing to endure the pain that comes with turning to a friend, but one not being there. I am willing to endure the pain of being in a new place, where you can't speak the language, you don't know where to go, or have anyone to talk to, and feel so lost and confused the only logically thing to do is laugh or cry. I am willing to endure this pain, because I know I will never really be alone, the right people always come along; and I know that my passion lies in exploring new places, and experiencing new cultures. This, I can be sure of, especially now, more than ever.

(I'd like to add that my confidence in my ability to form uncanny relationships with people everywhere I go helps, as I never am short of random conversations. And I'd also like to add that while you go into a place friendless, it is very hard to come out that way, and I am so grateful and blessed I've fallen in with such a special group of friends here. Friends I really connect with, love, cherish, and will keep for the rest of my life.)

"What risks will you take, accepting every and all parts of the outcome?" The risk of losing it all, and dying "alone."

In the life I have chosen, there is always a risk of dying alone. (In the sense that you die without a life partner. You almost always die with an international collection of friends and family.) It is hard to find and maintain a relationship when you plan to move to a new country every few years, and therefore, you can never be sure if you'll ever really find [and/or keep] your forever. When I decided to move to Spain, it was the hardest decision I've ever made in my near-25 years. I had to leave behind the person who could possibly be the love of my life, my forever, and twin flame, on the hope that I was making the right choice for myself and my soul. I do not know if I will find another love so great as that love, nor do I know if I will find another perfect piece to my puzzle like he was. That is a risk that I took, and a risk I will always take. Because I have faith in love, I have faith in the strong love I carry with me everywhere I go, and I have faith that all things turn out how they are supposed to. But also because I have faith that you cannot go in search of your personal legend (thank you for the terminology, Paulo Coelho), and not get and find exactly what you're supposed to. All of this is part of the risk of this traveler's life I have decided to live, and it's a risk that I accept. I may not want to accept the possible reality of not being able to sustain a relationship for longer than a year or two, but for me, it's not a risk too great to keep me from living this way.

When I consider all of these things, and realize my answers to these questions, and the unwavering certainty in which I can answer them, I know I am doing the right thing for myself by living out here, in this way, and thinking the way that I do. And that, that is powerful, that is wonderful, and that is magical!

I've always wanted my life to be the most epic story it could possibly be, for that moment before I ascend into heaven, when it all plays back across my mind. I want to relax and be blissed-out, and know that I have lived. And I can say, without any sort of doubt in my mind, that for me, this is life, I am living!

Consider these questions, sweet darlings. I think that they can help us really figure out our passions in life, and therefore, where we should be focusing our energy. It's important to channel your energy into where your passions lie -- that's how we achieve success in every facet of our lives. I hope that you are on a path that pleases your soul, and that you have an insanely blessed moment, every moment!

Much love bright lights!

Blessings, Love & Light <3

Abundant Blessings

As I sit here trying to figure out how to begin this, let alone what I'm even trying to say, I am at a loss, because I am so overwhelmed with joy and contentment, that words don't seem to be an accurate way to portray what it is I'm experiencing.

So I guess I'll begin with this... this year, I am working two teaching jobs -- one in the same high school I was in last year as the auxiliary (language and culture assistant), and another as an actual English professor in an academy. I work at the high school in the mornings/early afternoons, then work in the language school in the afternoons until nine o'clock at night, Monday through Thursday. Some weeks, I'm overwhelmed, I'm running around, I don't have time to go to the store or do anything but eat, sleep, think, and do work. I am waking up, going to work, coming home, putting together more work, and then going to bed reviewing it all, just so I could wake up six hours later and do it all again.

The couple weeks leading into Halloween, it went like that. I was so, so busy, I was up until midnight doing work each night, then up in the morning to get ready to go, putting in 12 hour days, and barely having time to stop and sit without getting up and onto the next task.

I'd like to take a moment to point out that I realize how insanely blessed I am, not just to have work, but to have the hours I do. They can be tiring and tough, but they could be so much worse, and be spent with people that are not-so-nice. And I am aware that there are people who work much harder and longer than I, but, that doesn't negate the fact that. . .

The one and only thing that got me through those weeks of long hours was, without a doubt, God. When I felt too overwhelmed, I thought about God; when I set my alarm for the next morning and realized I wasn't going to get enough hours to constitute a good night's sleep before a long day, I thought about God; and when I was rushing around from one classroom to the next, frazzled as could be, I thought about God. And I can honestly say, that had I not been keeping Him in mind, and remembering that I am not in this and doing life on my own, I would probably have wound up in a tired, run-down, mess of tears at least a few times.

It was so amazing to remind myself that God is always with me, always helping me, and that when I would start to think, "Oh my gosh, how am I going to....," the thought process would stop, and instead switch to, "My God will give me the energy and strength I need to do all things." And guess what? He did! Instead of going into my classes tired, annoyed, and rude, I went in laughing, joking, smiling, and keeping love and light in my heart. Instead of quitting one of them and getting caught up thinking I couldn't do it, I was assuring myself that, "I am a strong and capable woman. I can do all things. And my cup is overflowing with energy and love!" It was a real test, and I am so happy to say that I passed it with a rainbow flowing behind me!

Things cooled off last week, and since then, have been much more relaxed. I haven't had some classes because of field trips and exams, and I am finding myself strangely ahead of my lesson plans for my classes at the academy. And then, the biggest moment of reassurance came, in the form of my daily devotional.

And can I just take a minute to give some serious praise to Sarah Young's, Jesus Calling? This little daily devo book is really what has brought me up, out, and above in the last ten months, and I am so stoked that it is part of my life and daily practices! Check it out if you have the chance!

But yes, so, this little book once again delivered to me an amazing message, that really helped me ease into a state of relaxation and assurance that I might not had felt in a few weeks. It came on November 12th, and said,

"This is a time of abundance in your life. Your cup runneth over with blessings. After plodding uphill for many weeks, you are now traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine. I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment..."

I mean, wow! I was already getting a sense that my week was going to be less hectic than the ones that had come before it, but when I read that, I was so overcome with joy and this incredible light, grateful feeling. I think I took a trip to the clouds as I read those lines! 

God is so good! He is so amazing! He is the reason why I am here, the reason why I shine like I do, and the only reason why I am not tempted to hit a kid who can't find it possible to stay silent or in his seat! Without God, I would be such a wrecked mess. I would be a horrible teacher, and I would be emitting a nasty level of toxicity into the universe, which hurts US ALL. 

I left home in January, not knowing exactly what was to come to me, but knowing that God had put it in my heart to return. And since I have returned, I have come to have a deeper, stronger, and more intimate relationship with Him than I have had in YEARS. Since I have returned, I have learned to speak and understand another language; two or three if you include all the language I've learned that can't be categorized as "English," "Spanish," "Arabic," "French," "Portuguese," etc, but instead classified as human interaction, connection, and understanding. And since I have returned, I have come to love teaching, a profession I always swore off due to a lack of patience, which is something else I have gained since I returned to Spain, and thought I never could possess. 

The lessons, memories, moments, people, places, God and self I have gained in the last 10 months are incredible, and I am feeling so outrageously blessed. Every day I ask God to continue to bless me, and that my life might be a blessing to others. And I know He is answering these prayers. I can feel it, and I can see it through my human interactions. 

Life is such a beautiful thing when we open our hearts, release all we are, and just give it up to God! I hope that you are all living abundantly, and if not, trying to do so! And I hope that the love and light I am pouring out finds you in whatever moment you're in, and settles with you, to make your heart happy!

I love you world, I love you universe, and God, my God, my gosh, how I love you! 

Blessings, Love & Light sweet beings, go with the love and the light, it will always bring you the most joy!