Gosh Dang It, Greed Got Me!

As I step up to the slate, I bring some heavy emotions with me. I found out a couple weeks ago about my new placement for the coming year (auxiliary program), and I've been placed in a high school (joy) in Ecija. It's a town that has a population of 40,000 people, and it's 80km from Sevilla. So, pretty much...I screwed myself. I wanted to change schools, leaving behind my amazing situation in the high school I currently work in, in hopes of being placed somewhere in Sevilla's city center. I wanted to leave the world of assisting in high schools, and try life out in a primary school. I wanted to stay in Sevilla because I love it, and I have an academy job here, so the potential for me to save money is huge. This would have enabled me to pull doubles one more year, and then be free to go explore and do volunteer work without being concerned with when my next check was coming in. I was being greedy, and thinking about money, instead of thinking about what's important: my happiness and being grateful for what I already have. But every time I thought about what I wanted, I would think "Sevilla," but also think, "somewhere new," I would doubt if staying another year was really what I wanted, sending out a mixed signal to the Universe, and now, I'm still in Sevilla the province, but I'm not in Sevilla the city. I'm in Sevilla, but I'm not. Just like I thought for.

>> FACEPALM<<

When I looked on a map at where Ecija is, my heart immediately sunk and my first words were, "I'm not going." According to Google maps, it's in the middle of nowhere, and after my brief trip to see the town today, I can verify that it in fact is literally in the middle of nowhere. The nearest cities are Cordoba (50km) and Sevilla. It's between two amazing places, but not near enough that I could live in either. Meaning, I would have to live there, and see my students all. the. time. Which might not sound so bad, and may not be, but I just prefer to keep my work life separate from my "regular" life. Not because I am getting drunk on the weekends and don't want to run into a student or their parents, that's not the case at all. I just would like to be able to go to the fruit shop or grocery store without running into my workweek while I'm there.

I should probably give Ecija a little more credit though. If I hadn't been walking through the narrow cobblestone streets thinking about how I would be "leaving Sevilla for this," I would have been walking around and been so charmed by the place, commenting on how great it would be to live in a place like that for a while. But since I was thinking about having to live there for nine months, I was having a hard time mustering my usual excitement. There were still moments when I would stop and look at something, see beauty and feel the charm the town has, but then Sevilla would come back to my mind, and I'd just walk away. It didn't help that I had a serious caffeine hangover (deficit and headache) while I was there, so I wasn't in the highest of spirits.

I realize now just how spoiled and lucky I've been to have been placed in a place that's so close to Sevilla I can live in it, and wonder if I could ever really find myself satisfied living anywhere in Andalucia that's not Sevilla and doesn't have a beach/sea or ocean access. And as I sit here in La Alameda in Sevilla, looking at all the people enjoying coffees, copas (mixed drinks), beers and friends in the breeze, listening to a group of people who brought a guitar, and are playing Sevillanas (a type of music), singing, and providing impromptu entertainment for all of us here at the bar in the plaza, I see that the magic that Sevilla has, that I haven't experienced anywhere else I've ever been, and never been able to really put a finger on, is that it is so, so alive. And while I consider myself so overly blessed for having been able to live here for the last year and a half, I also know I probably would never be ready to leave this place, and therefore should just go when I have to.

Holy crap I'm going to miss this place... :-(

When I was putting in my application for a renewal in the program, I thought that I should change regions so I could give another part of Spain a chance, but was too caught up thinking about the fact I already have a second job here, and if I switched to a new place, would have to hope to find another one. (I want to have two jobs for one more year so I can earn a lot of money, so I can save a lot of money, so starting in the summer of 2015, I can begin a "one year" [open-ended, or "till the money runs dry"] trip through Asia, Australia, New Zealand, South America and Central America, exploring, and doing various types of volunteer work all along the way. Essentially, I want to save up so I can really start living a life that centers around my passions.) This caused me not to change regions, but to try and switch centers. But, we don't have control of where they put us, and no matter how much good energy and support I put into my note on the application, asking to please stay in Sevilla and not be in a high school, it's always going to be up to them. In simple terms: I was being greedy, thinking in terms of euros, padding my bank account "quickly and easily" (not so quickly, really, nine months, nor so easily, really, teaching two jobs), and have found myself instead out of Sevilla, and still in a high school. I guess in a way it's comical. But the bottom line remains the same: Greed ain't good!!

I'm going with God on this one. I am going to apply for jobs in academies in Ecija, and see what happens. If I don't get one, I am most likely not going to move there. Instead I will stay here in Sevilla and keep my one job in the academy, and not save so much money, or I will go teach in Peru, or I will go to Hawaii and WWOOF (work on organic farms). They're all good options really, as none involve a cubicle, but the one I really wanted isn't on the list, and that's never easy to accept. Everything happens for a reason, and I know that there is always a blessing to be found. Those are the thoughts I am choosing to embrace, and that is the reality I will know.

Never forget the power of the mind! Never forget that "what you resist, persists," or that you can select the thoughts you allow to hang out in your head. These will affect and transform everything around you, and the Universe in general. And if you're having a hard time keeping them happy, have a coffee, and get back on track! (Whatever your fix is, mine just happens to be a coffee! If 11:30 hits and I haven't had one, all hope is lost until I do.... it's something I'm trying to work on:)

All is well, all is right, all is beautiful. Breath and Be!

Blessings, Love & Light to you sweet souls!

May you encounter only goodness in your life, and be grateful for those not-so-sunny things that find their way into your path!

Gotta Talk It Out

On the outside, I may appear to be a very open person. And, to be honest, on many levels I am. But not on all of them, and not on some levels that are pretty important.

I can't tell you how often I suppress and eat my feelings and words, just so I don't have to expose them to others (in turn, I think, making it "easier" for me not to expose them to myself). I'm not sure if it's because I have had many friends over the years who overly-burden the people around them with negatively perceived emotions and moments, leaving me in a state of resistance to this; or if it's just how I'm programmed -- share what is positive, and just try to ignore and escape the rest. Either way, it's not exactly the healthiest way to live, and I've been working on being more open, embracing, and accepting with and of everything over the years.

I've definitely made great strides, and I know my throat chakra has strengthened a lot over the years, since I'm now not as afraid to say what's really going on in my heart and head. However, there are still some very personal emotions and moments that I keep to myself, and try to cure on my own. But I learned recently, that if there is something that's causing you pain, it's not necessarily a burden to others if you share it with them, it's part of how we heal. And more importantly, it's necessary.

I encountered my first real heartbreak within the last six months. It was heavy, it was hurtful, and because it was a foreign feeling, I didn't know what emotions and mentality would follow it. Let's just say, I think I unknowingly slipped into a bit of a depression, and absolutely let my positive thinking slip with it. I watched the sad, judgmental, mean, and negative thoughts run through my mind, and where I'd normally steer them into a direction of love and gratitude, I just let them play around in my head. I dwelled a lot in the past, over-thought, re-thought, examined, and brooded.

Without getting into too much detail, I will say this: it has to do with my last relationship and the way things ended. What happened, or I guess what didn't happen, left me feeling more confused, abandoned, hurt, and empty than anything anyone's ever done to me before. And I've put up with a lot of crap from people over the last 25 years. So that, in combination with two other hard-on-the-heart encounters within a four week period, caused me to retract a bit. I can be a pretty sensitive person, and to deal with three tough things in the course of six weeks, definitely sent me into a place I haven't really hung out in before. A place where I stayed, without even noticing, for nearly three and a half months.

This place I hung out in involved a lot of beer (for me, the girl who was used to having only a glass or two of wine each week), a lot of self-doubt, a lot of confusion, a lot of over-thinking, a lot of searching, a lot of wondering, and a lot of a bunch of other stuff that is not at all aligned with being spiritual and accepting of all. I was really burnt out at work, so the combination of it all definitely resulted in one unmotivated teacher, and distant person. Shoot.

Then, I went to Portugal for a plan-less camping weekend, and ended up meeting someone who, oddly enough, was and is dealing with a nearly identical situation to mine. When we first started talking about our situations, I was going to hold back. Some questions came to mind, but I wanted to push them away, because I didn't want to be too intrusive. But then I decided to say screw it, because it's better to ask a question and let the other person choose not to answer, than not to ask, and just keep eating your thoughts and feelings. I wanted to take the conversation to the next level, and I wanted to stop remaining on the surface with certain subjects. And it turned out that his answers were the same as mine, and it led us to a way deeper level of conversation, understanding and support, and magically enough, it actually enabled me to really, truly begin curing.

I think that after a couple months, there's definitely some curing that happens, some ground that's covered. It makes sense it would work that way, it's natural. But if you're still brooding and munching on your thoughts by yourself, I think it's absolutely impossible to really heal all the way. And I daresay that's what leads people to become [a little] insane and obsessive after something hard happens to them. You've gotta get it out of your system, have a conversation about it all, and just admit what's going on in your mind. I didn't expect that that one conversation, let alone with someone I barely know, would result in the freedom and happiness that it did, but man, it's been amazing! In the days that immediately followed our talk, I felt such a huge difference in myself. Unfortunately, I didn't even realize how far I had gotten from my usual, positive, loving, happy self until I started to actually, really cure and move on.

It was through all this I realized that keeping things bottled up is really, really horrible, and it actually is like ingesting poison, hoping it will just kill all the bad, and leave the rest unaffected. One of my big pitches in life is to be open -- open minded, open heart, open, open, open -- and yet, here I have been, holding things back, suppressing thoughts, and trying to deal with it inside and alone so I don't have to admit to the thoughts I'd been having. Well, lesson learned!

Hopefully none of you are keeping things bottled in, trying to go it alone. I can't say I'll never do it again, perhaps I'm doing it now, with or without realizing it, but I do know that I am seeing and feeling the difference it makes to open up to people, even if it's someone you just met! So if you are, try to lighten your load. Write it out, draw it, talk to a friend, find a stranger, do anything you can to try and release what's going on in your mind! It can make the difference in your situation and life!

Sending our curing, healing, happy vibes to everyone reading this (and all those who are not)! I hope you have a beautiful, blessed day, and feel the Love & Light that my ear infected-self is sending you! (Don't worry, I'm keeping these "sick vibes" for myself;)

10 Things I Love About the Feria de Sevilla

1. I love seeing the streets overflowing with women in flamenco dresses, with bright fake flowers decorating their heads, fans flapping in their faces, and giant, normally tacky jewelry that matches everything else on their bodies. 
2. I love watching said women dance around in sync (or not) endlessly to the Sevillanas that are playing in the hundreds of casetas (Easy-Ups that have been converted into restaurants/dance floors).
3. I love the morning after, see fake flowers, over-sized necklaces, earrings, and hair pieces, and fans laying around the house.
4. I love seeing the dapper men and women riding around in horse drawn carriages that are being pulled by horses who are decorated with flowers, bells, and pompoms.
5. I love drinking rebujito (white apple wine mixed with 7UP) out of tiny little plastic cups, causing you to drink it too fast, and then swirl around dancing too much.
6. I love walking around the Feria at night, when everything is lit up; thousands of red and white paper lanterns lining every one of the streets they create in this small city that only exists one week each year,  and long strings of bulb lights strung everywhere you look.
7. I love seeing the little girls dressed up like women, walking around like little puffs of color and material, not even aware of how unique they are in the world.
8. I love putting 10 euros in a pot with a group of friends, and being able to eat and drink for hours on end, without thinking about lacking anything.
9. I love that we get days off from work, and that, even though I believe it sets a bad example for their children, parents allow their kids to miss class the entire week so they can go to the fair.
10. I love how beautiful it is, and that it's so hard to explain, because to know it is to see it, and everything else is not doing it justice.