Awkward Moments Chapter 4: Trying To Look Hot, While Sweating

Now, I know that there are some people out there that are just not genetically programmed to sweat, and these people ARE NOT FROM HERE! Believe me, I mean that in the kindest way possible, and from the very deepest, darkest, most jealous corners of my heart. I cannot comprehend how some people will leave their waist-length hair down, wear skinny jeans, dance all night on the overly-crowded dance floor, and not have a single drop of salty moisture running down any part of their bodies. You people out there are so lucky, I can't even look at you. Because there I will be, bra completely soaked and weighing more than it should because Victoria's Secret can't make a bra without adding 10 layers of padding to it (sorry guys, it is NOT all natural, and THAT is Victoria's Secret), no trace of make up left on my face except for some smeared eyeliner and mascara (which I consider lucky because it shows I actually had some on at some point. Hmm..double-edged sword now that I think about it.), hair dripping like I just took a dip, and red in the face like I just ate a whole case of habaneros.

A.D.D. Drift: It's been a while since I threw one of these down, but I have to for this... "habaneros," according to Google Chrome, is not a real word. So it suggests that I change it to either one of two words I can't even begin to pronounce, "handovers," or "headbangers." Hahah. Sorry, I think I find this mostly hilarious because as of last summer, I dedicated my life and soul to dubstep, drum and bass, and all other music forms that are heavy on the bass, therefore resulting in my adopting headbanging as my move of choice. And now, back on track...

So as I was saying, going to a club, or dance bar, or show for me is quite a stressful situation. Luckily there is always a little liquid courage to help me not think about how utterly disgusting I look, but that doesn't eliminate the fact that I am, in essence, a wet dog on the dance floor. It is such a shame to wear out some really hot, wonderful, utterly uncomfortable heels with a nice little skirt/top or dress, do my hair, actually put on eyeshadow, and head out the door thinking, "dang, I can really clean up when I want to," just to walk inside the humid establishment and start to sweat within the first minutes of my first dance. I do not feel attractive, I do not want to dance, and I do not want to think about or see how nasty the air inside is. And that, my friends, I think is the reason why so many college-aged people are black-out drunks. No one wants to think, see, or feel what they actually look like, are, and have become, so they continue to toss them back to get over any inhibitions and insecurities they have. I have seen it many times. To be a not-blacked-out-drunk at the bars or clubs is SO entertaining and I highly suggest that everyone try it (even for just half a night). Another little drift, I know.

All I'm saying is, it is SO awkward to try and look and act hot when you are so clearly in need of a shower. But will that ever stop us? Heck no! [DANCEPANTS4LYF<3] We will just continue to snag bar napkins and blot when we can, take frequent trips to the ladies' room to "touch up," and hope that you have consumed far more than us and don't even care, so long as you can escape the sausage-fest you came with and get a little estrogen in your atmosphere.

Today's Quote: "Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them." -David Hume

Awkward Moments Chapter 3: Pulling Out

If you opened this with the expectation that I would be talking about something of a sexual nature, then I am sorry to have to disappoint you, but that is not what this chapter is about. When I say "pulling out," I am referring to when you are in your car. Those times when you are at a stop sign and no one seems to want to go, (even though we [should] all know that the person on the right goes first) so you all start going at once and do the gas-break-[dip;]-gas-break dance till someone grows a pair and decides, "I'll be the one, geez!" Or those other times when you are in your car and there is a pedestrian who can't make up their mind if they're in a hurry, can wait a few, or if they're even at the right intersection, so you usually end up almost hitting them because you decide to go at the same time. And there's also those times when you and another car are situated and they're waiting for you to pull out and make your turn so they can make theirs, but they're still in motion, so you can't really tell what's going on or what you're supposed to do.

This, like umbrella etiquette, is something that seems so simple and understandable, yet we all struggle with it and are forced to face these situations time and time again. I would like to pose some solutions to the aforementioned problems.

For instance, when you are at a stop sign and no one seems to want to go, WAVE to each other to signal one another. Some people just sit there and act like there's nothing going on, expecting you to read their mind or something and figure out what they want from you. If everyone would just pick their heads up and turn on their brains to a little higher level of functionality, we could probably avoid this frustrating scenario.

Next a note for all pedestrians: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. If it is you v. vehicle, go ahead! Unless you are one of those horribly obnoxious people that thinks the world is your crosswalk and you can just mosey on across the street at whatever snail-pace suits you, with no regard for the people around you, then you need to get a grip and realize that it is not your world and I'm not just living in it, we share, and I am in something that could decimate you. Thanksss. And do not get mad and in a tissy at me because you waited so long to make your move that I decided to make mine, coincidentally when you finally begin to move, and we almost have a scene out of "Crash" on our hands. But again, here a simple wave or gesture of "no, you go ahead," would be quite suitable and alleviate many of the problems we have. It would probably save some lives in the process. Win, win? I think so!

And finally, for those people who expect you to make your left or right turn while they are still moving towards you in the process of making their right turn, even though there is clearly not a wide enough space for two cars to fit by, STOP. They're called breaks, and we could all benefit from an increase in their use. You can't look at me and wave me forward when you are still moving, we will never both fit. At least not in our non-Inspector Gadget cars.

Problems and solutions, people! We've all got em, and I am here to try and fix them. ;-)

I apologize that it has been so long since my last post, and that this one holds a certain sense of hostility, but I do live in LA now, and my writing tone is always influenced by what I am reading and watching. Which is currently Harry Potter #5 (no, not rereading, just finally reading), and since I spent my entire lunch hour yesterday watching Jenna Marbles videos on Youtube...... Well, you get where I'm going with this. And if not, Google her, watch her, laugh, and love.

Today's Quote: "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road." Henry Ward Beecher

Awkward Moments Chapter 2: Umbrella Etiquette

Today we begin our second topic about awkward moments. Yesterday we talked about elevators, and today we move on to UMBRELLAS! 

Before I studied abroad in Spain I never took an umbrella anywhere with me. There was something about walking around in the pouring rain and getting drenched that I actually enjoyed at times, and couldn't be bothered to carry around an umbrella the rest. A hood was my defense mechanism of choice until I spent 9 months living in the Basque Country, where it rains about 70% of the time. So when you consider that I was there from September to May it breaks down to about 2 weeks of  sun when we got there, 3 weeks before I left, and random sunny, beautiful, beach days scattered in between. Now don't get me wrong, that isn't to say it's not a place to go, and that it was miserable and rainy, I am just painting a picture for you to understand the total awkwardness I am about to tell of. 

In Europe you walk almost everywhere you go. To the bus stop, the metro, the market, stores, where ever. It is uncommon to hop in your car and drive 5 minutes to the store when you can just walk there and bring your basket-on-wheels along. This means that the beautiful cobble stone sidewalks are generally fairly full with foot traffic, and when it rains in Bilbao EVERYONE carries and uses an umbrella. When you have a sidewalk that is usually wide enough for just two people and you throw rain, baby strollers, dogs, and umbrellas into the mix, things tend to get a bit, well, awkward. Now I don't know if there was some umbrella etiquette handbook that I missed getting upon passing through customs, but I do know that I had no idea of the flow that everyone else did. In order to pass by one another, no matter how wide or narrow your path, one person has to raise their umbrella up, and the other pull it down. This enables both people to walk by one another while remaining dry and not hitting each other with their umbrellas, and looks like some sort of Target commercial.  I'm assuming by this point you are getting where I'm going with this...

I cannot count the number of times I whacked people with my umbrella, went up instead of down, twirled in circles to try and navigate myself around without inflicting injury on those around me, or just flat out got stuck with someone else's umbrella. And because yo soy Americana (I am American), they were not pleased with my misunderstanding of umbrella maneuvering, to say the least. Many, many "lo siento"-s (I'm sorry) were said, as well as my usual noises, facial expressions, and meaningless half-word/half-sound utterings. I am notorious for making a situation a bit more awkward than it needs to be, so these situations were an almost-daily struggle. And this doesn't even get into the times I would walk into a room and shake off my umbrella just to splatter those around me, or open it and almost take someone out!

I still do not understand umbrella etiquette and have faced situations like these in Chico since that time, so I can only thank the Lord that I am now living in LA, where umbrellas are seldom used, and walking everywhere is highly uncommon. Although I do miss those days. . . . 

As you can see, there are many situations that are awkward. This one is a little off-beat and not experienced by all, but I know there are a good deal of you out there that have encountered situations just like these. Send me any you can think of, I am going to try and continue this saga as long as I can. And let me assure you, some of the ideas in my mind are a little...dirtier, so be sure to keep up ;)

Today's Quote: "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." -Mark Twain

Awkward Moments Chapter 1: Elevators

Everyone encounters them throughout their life and has to deal with them at some time or another. That's right, I'm talking about awkward moments. Because I just started a new job I have become increasingly aware of all the different kinds of awkward moments that we have to face, and therefore have decided to embark on a mini-series if you will all about them! 

Everyone who is put in an awkward situation is left with the same exact feelings and tends to react in the same ways-- discomfort, uncertainty, and a dash of uncomfortable, then you throw in the awkward smile/grin, diverted eyes, or sudden need to check your cellular, and there you are, in an awkward moment thinking "uhhh..what should I do/say now?"

I find it only appropriate to begin this journey down Awkward Lane with elevators. Every single day I ride the elevator up 8 floors and back down again at least once, and I have only had one experience that differs from the normal awkward situation I described above. An elevator is a very close, compact space which means you are in relatively close proximity to the others around you, regardless whether you know them or not. I have found that generally people do not speak in elevators, even if they are among friends, but then when someone is exiting, you bid each other a due and wish them a good day. Very friendly and very conversational in comparison to the last few minutes you shared. 

The most interesting thing for me is that I can be packed wall-to-wall in an elevator with friends, but unless there is a camera out and mirrors inside, we rarely speak. When I was in Vegas a few weekends back we all piled into an elevator, and fell silent. There's just something about them that makes people turn into a deaf-mute.

The worst is when there are only two of you in it. When it is down to the final two how do you react? Do you ask them how their day is going or how they are doing? Do you pretend they aren't there at all and continue to watch the numbers light up and pass by above the door? Or do you just close your eyes and take the moment as a calming and relaxing one? There are so many ways to react in these elevator situations. I had a pleasurable elevator moment yesterday on my adventure to Floor 8. There were a number of us in the elevator and when the third person exited, leaving myself and another woman, I simply said, "And then there were two." She responded with a good amount of laughter and said, "That's a good title." Not going to lie, in my head I immediately had visions of myself as a television or movie writer of some sort, even if just the show titles. Because I work in the entertainment industry, I validate this thought as completely normal. :)

So there you have it, the beginning of my first mini-series (because clearly the Guilty Pleasures one failed to ever make it past Chapter 1). Expect many more of these posts, and please feel free to write me with any awkward situations you can think of or moments you have had, I am always looking to have a good laugh at the expense of someone else's awkwardness. ;)

Today's Quote: This is completely made up off the top of my head right now simply because I have been manifest destiny-ing a lot of things in my life lately. So I really just want to say... "Manifest your destiny! Dream it, believe it, and you shall no doubt achieve it!"