My City & My Struggles

I have been very bad about keeping up with posts, but once I give you the run-down, you will forgive me, and likely end up feelings quite sorry for me. *Please leave your sympathies in the comment box below ;-)*

Friday morning I woke up around 4am to use the restroom, and when I went and laid back down on my semi-deflated air mattress, I noticed the notification light was blinking on my phone, so, naturally, I had to check what was going on. It was at this time that I saw I had the long-awaited email from the program I plan to go to Spain through -- the email with my city of placement. And when I opened, deciphered (they email all in Spanish), and saw, my heart stopped...Sevilla.

Sevilla is the fourth largest city in Spain, it's in the south, and it is absolutely amazing. I was blessed enough to go there over my Easter break while I was studying there, and got to see it in it's most-popular time of year, Easter.

When I saw that Sevilla was where I was placed, I will be honest, I was disappointed. I've been there before, and was so hoping I would end up going somewhere new, living in a beach town so I could finally fulfill my destiny as a surf and beach bum. This is something that probably didn't happen because I would surely end up with the dreads I've been wanting, and likely never return to a state of reality, which I wouldn't consider bad, but society thinks otherwise (To which I say, screw society! Make your own rules, and make your own reality!). So after lying there trying to go back to sleep, my head reeling with thoughts about Sevilla and what this meant for me, I finally fell asleep, and woke up with a better perspective.

This all happened on Friday morning. Since then, I spent Friday night in San Clemente, and then returned to L.A.. Saturday involved locking in the storage unit and getting all the necessary items: a lock, a packing package that came with boxes, tape, and packing wrap, the insurance, and everything else and it goes without saying that after this, everything went downhill and really started to suck.

My boyfriend was with me, and without him, I would have never been able to accomplish what I did. Sunday consisted of church, and then going home to begin packing up my entire apartment. I was supposed to be completely out of it on Tuesday, so I was going to move out on Tuesday, spend the night at my grandparent's house in Bakersfield that night, and then go on to Stockton on Wednesday, for all my appointments on Thursday. Well, our plans are not always what ends up happening, and this was no different. I got a call on Tuesday morning to confirm my dental appointment...for Wednesday morning. WELL, there went the plan. Suddenly, I had to go from packing up my apartment and putting remaining items into storage, to packing up my wardrobe and putting it in my car, getting my boyfriend back to Mission Viejo (45 min w/o traffic, 2 hours with, each way), and going all the way to Stockton in one day/night. Awesome.

To sum it up, nothing ended up happening how I thought it would. I got my stuff into storage on Monday, had to go back on Tuesday to leave stuff, and then had to pack up the rest of my things that I planned to bring to Stockton. Ended up filling my car as much as I could with his stuff and mine, going to Costa Mesa, leaving things at his mom's, then we went out for our typical dinner...sushi. :) From there, I went back to my apartment, got there around 10pm, and still had to load the rest of my stuff. Around 10:45 I realized that there wasn't room in my car to fit any of the items in my two closets, and had to make a quick call to my uncle. I stayed in LA on Tuesday night at his house and left a few large items there to pick up next week. I then got less than four hours of sleep, woke up at 5am on Wednesday, went to my apartment to load up the rest of my stuff and do a final wipe-down, and was on the road to Stockton at 6:25am. I made it to Stockton in time to stop at my parents' house, grab a car that wasn't packed to the top with my stuff, and get to the appointment at 11:10, right on time! I then came home, and unpacked my car gradually. My bed, still covered...

It has been a whirlwind, and I still am questioning if going to Spain is the right thing for me to do, but right now, I need some breakfast, so I will continue with this later and dive deeper into this internal turmoil that I am dealing with.

Me leaving LA with eyes puffy from crying for about 10 hours on-and-off, packing up, and hitting the road, before 6:30am. Death.

Today's Thought: I always have believed in my dreams and know that they often are telling me something about life or what's to come in the future. Last night, I kept dreaming I lived in SF, does this mean that is my next destination, not Spain?

Lost.

This whole game of life is quite an interesting one. We're born a beautiful ball of wonder and joy, with nothing in our minds other than all the colors, voices, and sounds around us. We can't talk, walk, and we can barely even express ourselves. Then as we grow up we learn how to crawl, which turns into walking (with the help of the most sturdy object around us), and eventually we can walk on our own, run, skip, and dance. Our whole lives consistent of chapters. For many like myself those chapters include pre-school, kindergarten, middle school, junior high, high school, college, and then. . .?

It is at this new, unknown, and unguided chapter that I find myself. Not sure of where I will end up, what I will do, who will be in my life, or if I will even be alive. I know that last one is a bit of a morbid direction to take things, but let's face it, I'm here to tell the raw truth. 

For many people out there, like my sister, they grow up knowing what they would like to do with their lives. They go through high school and apply to the universities that offer the best programs for their desired studies, and then go to college and study just that. Next comes graduating and beginning a career that they have always known to be "just what they wanted to do." But there's also a handful of us out there who know very little about what we want to do, and to be honest, for us it kinda sucks. Of course I enjoy the thrill of the unknown, but when the unknown is my entire future, it becomes a bit scarier. I think I would be more excited about the prospect of moving to a foreign country where I don't speak the language or know anyone, than not know in the slightest what my future has in store for me. 

I am a college grad who is still living in Chico (where I graduated), working a minimum wage job, part-time (and that's if I'm lucky that week). And since completing my studies in mid-December, I can't even tell you how many times I've had moments of, "What the fudge am I doing with my life!?" or "Is this really what I'm doing with my life right now!?" 8O =/ =E I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I currently can't seem to see even a sliver of it. My usual positive, adventurous, don't-worry-everything-will-be-alright attitude is failing to make an appearance tonight, and I can only pray that it will strike up again in the morning. 

The world we live in is a very large place. One that holds many opportunities, chances, and destinies. And while I "wait around" for mine to find me, I can't help but reflect back on all those that have come and gone in my life and wonder if maybe one of them was "the one." But then again, I suppose if the "right" opportunity has come and gone, it wasn't ever right from the start...right? I would like to believe that we all end up where we're supposed to be, doing exactly what we're intended to be doing, but the impatient side of me is flipping out that the next big thing in my life hasn't taken form.

I have tomorrow off and think it is time for me to begin writing the next chapter of my life. I can't sit here and wait around for someone to start doing it for me, they need to be busy writing their own! Alas, this blog has once again proved to be an excellent form of self-therapy! :) So now that I am beginning to see a glimmer of light at the end of one [of my] tunnel[s], I will bid you all a'due! Get out there and write your story! 

Because, "If you can dream it, you can achieve it." -Walt Disney