I Need to Try // Fail More

I've known for a while that I have a fear of realizing my full potential/best self. It's something I've become truly aware of (and accept in order to overcome) in the last year, and have continued to explore and wonder about since. And up until a couple weeks ago, I thought that's as far as it went -- a fear of realizing my full potential, and finding out that maybe, it's not what I want it be. But it was short-sided and egotistical to think it was only that. To take it to an even deeper and further level, to the root of it all, I now realize that the real fear is in the act of trying, and discovering that perhaps I'm not enough -- good enough, smart enough, capable enough, or any of the amazing things I imagine I can be and do -- it's in the possibility of failure that my fear is found.

When I want something, I want it with a fierceness that can be surprising. When I put my mind to making something happen, I put all my energy into it, and give it everything I've got. So I suppose it's only natural to have a fear of trying for something I really want (ie. Being my best self or accomplishing everything that God has in mind for me, becoming a writer, making a living inspiring others, etc), and falling short. Or wanting something so much, and not attaining it.

I'll admit, I've been very blessed in life. I have grown up with a sense that anything I want, I can and will get. Not because that's how my parents treated my sister or I, but because I was always very active about making sure I got what I wanted. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I have access to a fairly conniving mind, one I've taken advantage of on certain occasions. I would do what it took to get the result I wanted, to obtain what had caught my eye. But over the years, I've become more relaxed, less competitive, and through my maturing process, have lost a little bit of my fierceness and gaming way. The unexpected result of which is fear.

This fear has also become widely apparent in my life in relation to falling. I get incredibly nervous when I have to jump from a very short distance, because the probability of falling, I think, is very high. I always thought I had a fear of heights, but in reality, it's not the height that scares me, it's the chance of falling... of dying. This one is especially strange to me, because how many times have I fallen on my head while trying to do a handstand? How many times have I been hurt and survived? There are so many things I'd like to try, but am so scared of doing, because falling tends to be a big part of them.

So what's the source of these fears? 

Where is it all stemming from? 

And what's more, how can I overcome them?

These questions have been playing through me like a broken record on-and-off for the last months. I've overcome certain culturally-embedded fears by just saying a big "screw you" to it all and going for it (like moving to a foreign country by myself, hitchhiking, and other travel-related things), but there is a surmounting fear that keeps stopping me from doing and trying many things I'd really like to try, such as adventure sports and certain business ventures.

And then, a couple weeks ago, the answer came back to me:

I need to try more things, and make more mistakes in life. By screwing up, it makes me able to overcome my fears of not being _____ enough, of falling down, and, it also makes it easier for me to relate to more people and show sympathy in more situations.

For example: as a teacher, how many times have I made twice the amount of copies I needed for an activity, because I forgot it was a pair work activity, and just one copy was needed for each pair? More than I should have. So, when a coworker made the same mistake, instead of my thoughts going to "How wasteful can she be?" they directly turned into a vocalization of, "It happens," that was drenched in understanding instead of judgement. (Kind of a strange example, but it's the one that laid this all out to me the clearest at the time I wrote this down.)

There is a stronghold within my family of trying to be perfect. It's ludicrous, because, so long as we're human, which we are so long as we're inhabiting the Earth, is an impossibility. There is no one on the face of the planet, in any of the spheres who is perfect, aside from Christ. So why do we strive to be so, and be so hard on ourselves when we fall short?

I didn't write this post to try and solve the problem within it as I sometimes do, but mostly just to get it out there and share some of my "struggle" with you all. If you've got any ideas, I'd love to hear them! I'm currently doing some deep digging and exploring into my childhood and family ways to try and assess how/where these fears started. And, if you want to go sky diving with me, let me know! I figure one of the best ways to get over a fear of falling is by jumping (or being forced out, in my case) of an airplane! ;)

Hope that you're all having some good moments of introspection, and figuring out any strongholds and fears that are preventing you from maximizing your Earth Time! Sending my love and support to you, and wishing you an incredible week, full of positivity and growth!

Blessings, Love & Light from above

<3

Scared, Surreal, Sublime

Hello again my lovely friends and family, and to all of you that I do not know but who read this, thank you, and you are beautiful (never forget it)!

Now I am settled into the apartment that I will be living in until at least June, have internet, and can catch up on some posts that are long over-due. Again, I have so much I want to write about, and feel I need to write about, to get you (and my blog) up to speed on my life. I think I'll start at the beginning though, and then come back to my housing situation. I've already written a post about it, which I will post up as the "initial/first impression" post, and then make amendments as the months pass on and I learn, grow, and love more. :)

But for now, there is something I want to share with you that I wrote on the airplanes coming over here. It's in the notebook I often use to write poetry, thoughts, and entries. This entry is dated from 10/01/2013 (the day that I was arriving in Spain last month, 10th of Jan.)...

Scared. Surreal. Sublime.

Initially, FREAKING OUT. 

Questioning if I could even do this.

What was I thinking?

Almost screaming, "TURN THE PLANE AROUND!! I have to get off, I can't do this!!" As if it were a ride at a theme park.

Nope, hunny, this is now your life. 

Satan was getting in my head, making me think I'm not strong enough, brave enough, or capable at all. 

And you know what?

That means I'm on a hot trail, and on the brink of doing the right thing, and something big.

They always say that if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough. 

Well, I think it goes the same for everything in life. If it doesn't scare you at least a little, you're taking the easy route or the easy way out. 

Life isn't supposed to be fearless. It's good to get the blood pumping every once in a while, otherwise, you're killing yourself. Our minds, bodies, and souls were created to do great things. We can't deny them that opportunity because we choose to live in fear instead. 

I actually think the word "innate" needs to be used here. When something is innate, it means that it is inborn, natural, and originating in the mind. I think it is an innate desire of our souls to do something big and impactful with our lives. I've yet to see a baby that isn't curious about everything that goes on around it, so where does that curiosity go?

I know a lot of us remain those curious beings, wandering off from the group to look or observe, questioning constantly, seeking and finding, just to seek again. So what about the rest? 

I know too many people that have the same wants I do, for a life of adventure and travel; wants for the life that I am about to begin living, but they have fallen prey to societal bounds. They've become so paralyzed by their fear for breaking the mold, that they don't realize how much they're suffocating. 

On the upside, at least many of them still enjoy their lives. They are happy, like their friends, families if they're at that stage in life, and even like their jobs. But you know what? Not a single one of them said, "man, I'm so glad I never did something like you're doing," or, "if I was your age and had the choice, I'd go corporate and start your work life." No, not a single person said I shouldn't do this. But everyone of them said they wished they had. 

[So yeah, it's great if you are living a life you love, that's what it's all about. "Love the life you live, live the life you love." As long as you enjoy your blessed and gifted time on earth, then you're good doing what you're doing. But life's certainly not about looking back and wishing you'd done things you didn't. That's the worst thing a person can do, hold regrets about their own life. (This portion is in parenthesis because it wasn't originally in what I wrote on the 10th, but is a very important note. I've left what I wrote in it's original format, and unedited to let the emotions of the moment shine through more.)]

My 2012 resolution was to live my life with no regrets, and so far, I've done a killer job. A few things here and there I would have done differently, but when I look back, I'm pleased. But pleased and really satisfied are a far cry from the same thing.

Here I talked about my 2012. My 2012 kicked butt. I lived it up, drank it down, grew a lot, and rocked out hard, but as I said in that post, I want more. 

I want more than festivals and raves and the same experience in a variation over and over again. No, 2013 is all about having those experiences, in other countries, and then some!

See, now this is why they are ADD Adventures, I was going to write about the three feelings I've spent most of the last 30 hours with, and instead, I ended up with this. Haha. 

I'll pick up at the end of scared... Actually, I think terrified beyond belief is better. I was really questioning myself and what I was thinking doing something like this. I was sad too though. To be leaving my family and friends behind was a hard pill to swallow. I've gotten used to being with my family, and knowing we would be so far away was killing me inside. 

Luckily, "Pitch Perfect" was the film they showed during the SF to Chicago leg. I was so happy when they said that would be the film. I needed those laughs so much, and had been wanting to see it again. (If you haven't already, you should watch it, it is hilarious.) God was looking out for me on that one!

So the first flight I enjoyed "scared shitless" and "sad."

By the time I was on the plane to Madrid from Chicago (a quick hour between this and the first leg), surreal had sunk in. I sat there, completely bewildered, that this plane would be taking me to Spain. Then, the more I thought about it, the excitement started to sink in. 

[I was actually going back. The thought, the thing, the life I had been craving, thinking, wanting, manifesting, and hoping for almost every single day for two and a half years, was finally going to be mine once more. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was sitting on a plane, bags packed, moving back to Spain. It's one of the craziest realities I've accepted so far.]

The self-assured-ness that I'd been feeling came rushing back, and immediately my mentality switched. I am moving back to Spain. Wow. I still can't believe it's actually happening  And now, I will land in Madrid in less than 40 minutes, and I am feeling like I'm on the upward climb, peddling my heart out, to sublime. 

Side note -- I'll feel even closer to sublime after I brush my teeth and change my socks. Haha. 

A life full of new experiences starts right now. LEGGO!

                                                                                                                           

So, as you can see, I'm not really as brave as many people told me I am. I am in the sense that I actually did this, am here, and am living it, but it's not like I'm some superhero with no fears (how great would that be!?). I'm human, I am scared, and I'm still not completely comfortable, but I'm getting there. I really had to tell myself that it isn't acceptable, or going to work, to scream for them to turn the plane around and let me out. I kept picturing my amazing dad standing there outside security, watching me inch closer and closer to the point of no return, waving and working his way up the stairs and out, as I worked my way forward and on. It still makes me cry (as I now am) when I think about, picture and feel that, but it also makes me remember how blessed and fortunate I am to even have this option. 

That was one heck of a roller-coaster I was on for about 28 hours (traveling here), and it still is one. I've had two mental breakdowns since I got here, and doubted myself more times than I can count. But it's these moments of fear, questioning, and doubt, they have also brought strength, assurance, and confidence. If I wasn't on a hot trail for God and goodness, Satan wouldn't be trying so dang hard to make me think I can't, so I'm going to keep on keepin' on!

Today's Thoughts: I've come a long way since the stupid kid I was my senior year in high school or the party girl I was for so long. I'm really proud of who I've become, what I want to do with my life, and what I'm doing. I hope that each and every one of you gets to this point, because it's the only way to live your life -- constantly loving on yourself, so you can project it out to others. Live well, be well, and as always, MAKE YOUR OWN REALITY! 

<3 Love, blessings, and excessive amounts of joy to all! <3

Thought A Lot

Thoughts are a really interesting thing -- they completely control your mood, what happens in your life, and can manifest, twist, change, and skip around in the most interesting ways.

This week I have been house and dog sitting for my uncles while they are on vacation, and a couple nights ago the most frightening thing happened: the alarm went off while we were inside the house. Sunshine (the dog) started barking and going crazy while the "someone broke into the safety deposit box safe at the bank" alarm went off, almost deafening me. I got it off, and she stopped barking, but that did not change the anxiety and fear from seeping in and taking over. Every room, closet, and hiding spot was checked for intruders, and all the doors were checked to see that they were still locked. I took comfort in knowing that since she was probably not barking anymore, there was likely nothing to fear, and I had probably just forgotten to turn the motion off inside the house. But as I laid there in bed, trying to fall asleep and not imagine that every little sound I heard was someone surely coming with a knife to kill me, I couldn't help but let my thoughts go to a fearful and dark place.

I envisioned a tragic murder scene in my head, and started to have thoughts of a conspiracy that must have been planned against me. I imagined that someone that comes to work on the pool, landscaping, yard, or house must have known they were gone and plotted with their family or friends to come and take advantage of their amazing home. I replayed every moment that had happened since I got home from work, each minute that the sliding door was unlocked and we were away from it, and those moments that it was open so Sunshine could come in and out. I pictured someone slipping in and hiding until we retreated to go to sleep. And during my wild imaginings, I was remembering all that I learned in "The Secret," which only led me to be more fearful because I knew that all my negative, bad, and harmful thoughts were manifesting and at some point would become a reality. But thankfully, I also know that positive thoughts act quicker than negative ones, and if you change your thoughts quickly, you can off-set the bad. It was quite a life-cycle of thoughts going on for hours in my head, and I was exhausted the next day, to say the least.

But through it all, I kept reassuring myself that everything was fine, and praying for protection. It's just crazy to realize the power that is held in our minds and our thoughts, so I would just like to remind you to keep them positive (and to watch "The Secret")! (Also Today's Thought.)

Lost.

This whole game of life is quite an interesting one. We're born a beautiful ball of wonder and joy, with nothing in our minds other than all the colors, voices, and sounds around us. We can't talk, walk, and we can barely even express ourselves. Then as we grow up we learn how to crawl, which turns into walking (with the help of the most sturdy object around us), and eventually we can walk on our own, run, skip, and dance. Our whole lives consistent of chapters. For many like myself those chapters include pre-school, kindergarten, middle school, junior high, high school, college, and then. . .?

It is at this new, unknown, and unguided chapter that I find myself. Not sure of where I will end up, what I will do, who will be in my life, or if I will even be alive. I know that last one is a bit of a morbid direction to take things, but let's face it, I'm here to tell the raw truth. 

For many people out there, like my sister, they grow up knowing what they would like to do with their lives. They go through high school and apply to the universities that offer the best programs for their desired studies, and then go to college and study just that. Next comes graduating and beginning a career that they have always known to be "just what they wanted to do." But there's also a handful of us out there who know very little about what we want to do, and to be honest, for us it kinda sucks. Of course I enjoy the thrill of the unknown, but when the unknown is my entire future, it becomes a bit scarier. I think I would be more excited about the prospect of moving to a foreign country where I don't speak the language or know anyone, than not know in the slightest what my future has in store for me. 

I am a college grad who is still living in Chico (where I graduated), working a minimum wage job, part-time (and that's if I'm lucky that week). And since completing my studies in mid-December, I can't even tell you how many times I've had moments of, "What the fudge am I doing with my life!?" or "Is this really what I'm doing with my life right now!?" 8O =/ =E I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I currently can't seem to see even a sliver of it. My usual positive, adventurous, don't-worry-everything-will-be-alright attitude is failing to make an appearance tonight, and I can only pray that it will strike up again in the morning. 

The world we live in is a very large place. One that holds many opportunities, chances, and destinies. And while I "wait around" for mine to find me, I can't help but reflect back on all those that have come and gone in my life and wonder if maybe one of them was "the one." But then again, I suppose if the "right" opportunity has come and gone, it wasn't ever right from the start...right? I would like to believe that we all end up where we're supposed to be, doing exactly what we're intended to be doing, but the impatient side of me is flipping out that the next big thing in my life hasn't taken form.

I have tomorrow off and think it is time for me to begin writing the next chapter of my life. I can't sit here and wait around for someone to start doing it for me, they need to be busy writing their own! Alas, this blog has once again proved to be an excellent form of self-therapy! :) So now that I am beginning to see a glimmer of light at the end of one [of my] tunnel[s], I will bid you all a'due! Get out there and write your story! 

Because, "If you can dream it, you can achieve it." -Walt Disney

Reality, Check!

I am more than proud and excited to say that I only have one final remaining! Tomorrow morning at 10am I will be presented with the last college exam of my life!! And as I sit here at our student recreation center (Wrec), laptop open, trying to study for the upcoming final, I suddenly realized that my life as I've known it for the last 4.5 years ends tomorrow. But with that realization comes one that the rest of my life will truly begin tomorrow! Everything I've become used to as my reality will be changed and replaced. It's a scary thought, a strange thought, a confusing and unbelievable thought, but also an incredibly exciting one. But if I'm being completely honest, as I promise to always be with you, the feelings of excitement I used to feel are no where to be found at the current moment. They are replaced by feelings of fear and uncertainty. Fear that my life may not work out in the way I hope it will, and uncertainty because I know the things I want in life are among the biggest of all dreams. However, it is in my nature to believe that I can make anything happen and achieve whatever I set out to, so my optimism will return and I will be overtaken by the knowledge that I've held onto for the last few months: God has an incredibly big plan for my life. I do not yet know what it is, where it will take me, or anything that it might involve, but I do know that it is great and will be worth while. We're going to do very big things together and make a positive impact and change on this wonderful world He's created. 


And now that I've once again used this blog as a self-help/calming sesh, I will return to my studies. One of my roommates has hit the landmark I will reach tomorrow (completion of undergrad studies) and we are celebrating tonight! Which means I need to get all my studying in now so I can really let loose and help her celebrate the beginning of the rest of her life!


Today's quote is one that I use, and will always use, to help me stay on track and keep my ultimate goal in mind (ultimate goal being to make a positive change in the world, help people, and help guide the world towards peace and unity): "Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Gandhi