Saturday, February 16, 2013

Scared, Surreal, Sublime

Hello again my lovely friends and family, and to all of you that I do not know but who read this, thank you, and you are beautiful (never forget it)!

Now I am settled into the apartment that I will be living in until at least June, have internet, and can catch up on some posts that are long over-due. Again, I have so much I want to write about, and feel I need to write about, to get you (and my blog) up to speed on my life. I think I'll start at the beginning though, and then come back to my housing situation. I've already written a post about it, which I will post up as the "initial/first impression" post, and then make amendments as the months pass on and I learn, grow, and love more. :)

But for now, there is something I want to share with you that I wrote on the airplanes coming over here. It's in the notebook I often use to write poetry, thoughts, and entries. This entry is dated from 10/01/2013 (the day that I was arriving in Spain last month, 10th of Jan.)...

Scared. Surreal. Sublime.

Initially, FREAKING OUT. 
Questioning if I could even do this.
What was I thinking?
Almost screaming, "TURN THE PLANE AROUND!! I have to get off, I can't do this!!" As if it were a ride at a theme park.
Nope, hunny, this is now your life. 

Satan was getting in my head, making me think I'm not strong enough, brave enough, or capable at all. 
And you know what?
That means I'm on a hot trail, and on the brink of doing the right thing, and something big.

They always say that if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough. 
Well, I think it goes the same for everything in life. If it doesn't scare you at least a little, you're taking the easy route or the easy way out. 

Life isn't supposed to be fearless. It's good to get the blood pumping every once in a while, otherwise, you're killing yourself. Our minds, bodies, and souls were created to do great things. We can't deny them that opportunity because we choose to live in fear instead. 

I actually think the word "innate" needs to be used here. When something is innate, it means that it is inborn, natural, and originating in the mind. I think it is an innate desire of our souls to do something big and impactful with our lives. I've yet to see a baby that isn't curious about everything that goes on around it, so where does that curiosity go?

I know a lot of us remain those curious beings, wandering off from the group to look or observe, questioning constantly, seeking and finding, just to seek again. So what about the rest? 

I know too many people that have the same wants I do, for a life of adventure and travel; wants for the life that I am about to begin living, but they have fallen prey to societal bounds. They've become so paralyzed by their fear for breaking the mold, that they don't realize how much they're suffocating. 

On the upside, at least many of them still enjoy their lives. They are happy, like their friends, families if they're at that stage in life, and even like their jobs. But you know what? Not a single one of them said, "man, I'm so glad I never did something like you're doing," or, "if I was your age and had the choice, I'd go corporate and start your work life." No, not a single person said I shouldn't do this. But everyone of them said they wished they had. 

[So yeah, it's great if you are living a life you love, that's what it's all about. "Love the life you live, live the life you love." As long as you enjoy your blessed and gifted time on earth, then you're good doing what you're doing. But life's certainly not about looking back and wishing you'd done things you didn't. That's the worst thing a person can do, hold regrets about their own life. (This portion is in parenthesis because it wasn't originally in what I wrote on the 10th, but is a very important note. I've left what I wrote in it's original format, and unedited to let the emotions of the moment shine through more.)]

My 2012 resolution was to live my life with no regrets, and so far, I've done a killer job. A few things here and there I would have done differently, but when I look back, I'm pleased. But pleased and really satisfied are a far cry from the same thing.

Here I talked about my 2012. My 2012 kicked butt. I lived it up, drank it down, grew a lot, and rocked out hard, but as I said in that post, I want more. 

I want more than festivals and raves and the same experience in a variation over and over again. No, 2013 is all about having those experiences, in other countries, and then some!

See, now this is why they are ADD Adventures, I was going to write about the three feelings I've spent most of the last 30 hours with, and instead, I ended up with this. Haha. 

I'll pick up at the end of scared... Actually, I think terrified beyond belief is better. I was really questioning myself and what I was thinking doing something like this. I was sad too though. To be leaving my family and friends behind was a hard pill to swallow. I've gotten used to being with my family, and knowing we would be so far away was killing me inside. 

Luckily, "Pitch Perfect" was the film they showed during the SF to Chicago leg. I was so happy when they said that would be the film. I needed those laughs so much, and had been wanting to see it again. (If you haven't already, you should watch it, it is hilarious.) God was looking out for me on that one!

So the first flight I enjoyed "scared shitless" and "sad."

By the time I was on the plane to Madrid from Chicago (a quick hour between this and the first leg), surreal had sunk in. I sat there, completely bewildered, that this plane would be taking me to Spain. Then, the more I thought about it, the excitement started to sink in. 

[I was actually going back. The thought, the thing, the life I had been craving, thinking, wanting, manifesting, and hoping for almost every single day for two and a half years, was finally going to be mine once more. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was sitting on a plane, bags packed, moving back to Spain. It's one of the craziest realities I've accepted so far.]

The self-assured-ness that I'd been feeling came rushing back, and immediately my mentality switched. I am moving back to Spain. Wow. I still can't believe it's actually happening  And now, I will land in Madrid in less than 40 minutes, and I am feeling like I'm on the upward climb, peddling my heart out, to sublime. 

Side note -- I'll feel even closer to sublime after I brush my teeth and change my socks. Haha. 

A life full of new experiences starts right now. LEGGO!


So, as you can see, I'm not really as brave as many people told me I am. I am in the sense that I actually did this, am here, and am living it, but it's not like I'm some superhero with no fears (how great would that be!?). I'm human, I am scared, and I'm still not completely comfortable, but I'm getting there. I really had to tell myself that it isn't acceptable, or going to work, to scream for them to turn the plane around and let me out. I kept picturing my amazing dad standing there outside security, watching me inch closer and closer to the point of no return, waving and working his way up the stairs and out, as I worked my way forward and on. It still makes me cry (as I now am) when I think about, picture and feel that, but it also makes me remember how blessed and fortunate I am to even have this option. 

That was one heck of a roller-coaster I was on for about 28 hours (traveling here), and it still is one. I've had two mental breakdowns since I got here, and doubted myself more times than I can count. But it's these moments of fear, questioning, and doubt, they have also brought strength, assurance, and confidence. If I wasn't on a hot trail for God and goodness, Satan wouldn't be trying so dang hard to make me think I can't, so I'm going to keep on keepin' on!

Today's Thoughts: I've come a long way since the stupid kid I was my senior year in high school or the party girl I was for so long. I'm really proud of who I've become, what I want to do with my life, and what I'm doing. I hope that each and every one of you gets to this point, because it's the only way to live your life -- constantly loving on yourself, so you can project it out to others. Live well, be well, and as always, MAKE YOUR OWN REALITY! 

<3 Love, blessings, and excessive amounts of joy to all! <3

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