Friday, December 19, 2014

Morning Plunder: Why Do I Start to Hold Back?

I have no idea what I was doing/thinking about, but I was suddenly overcome by a realization about myself. Ok, well, it's not exactly new information to cross my mental plains, but the association that came along with it was new..

I've known for quite some time now, that I tend to be incredibly open, expressive, and free with people, namely with strangers. But there comes a point in the relationship that I start to close myself off a bit and turn inward. I stop being so open and expressive, and start to, essentially, hide a little. Or at least, be more selective with that which I release.

The first example that comes to mind is dancing and my spiritual expression [at festivals]. I am a crazy, expressive, free-spirited dancer and meditate-er/pray-er. I will be one of the wildest people on the dance floor, just letting the music take my spirit where it wants, resulting in my body just going insane. Then sometimes, I'll suddenly stop, put my hands in an open, upward facing position, close my eyes, and sway softly, as I pray and mediate, absorbing all the good energy around me. I love it, dancing and praying are my favorite forms of therapy and expression.

So I was doing just that when I met my ex a few years ago at a festival. No big deal, didn't even care I was with some friends and surrounded by lots of good-looking strangers. It wasn't going to inhibit me. Instead, it actually kind of fueled me and made me go even crazier. But then, after dating my ex for half a year or so, I started to dance less freely. We'd go out to see some DJ and dance, and I'd feel kinda weird being so crazy, so I'd hold back a little. It always happens/happened with people (friends or guys) where I knew there was the chance that the relationship would advance. And especially in church. My gosh! I've been going to the same one since I was like eight years old! Why, in one of the places I should be the most expressive since I'm there to worship God, and I'm around people who have watched me grow up (meaning they've seen me in all my ridiculous phases of life, from goth to prep, jock to ghetto), am I so uncomfortable putting my arms in the air and dancing/singing my heart out? Why is that? Why is all this?

It's like, to a certain point, I don't care where I am or who's around, I'll be me, but then a time comes, after someone really knows me better/is getting to know me better, that I don't feel so free to be me. 

Strange, right?

So what I realized this morning, is that, I think I am very open at first, because I love myself, and I know that I almost always get positive reactions from people when I meet them, so I am confident in meeting new people. But for some reason, due to any number of things that have influenced me growing up, I am not confident with myself at a deeper level, and therefore I hold back. (I have also noticed this when I meet a guy I'm attracted to. It's like, I think there could be potential for something more, so I hold back a little bit because I think that what I am and have to offer, he might not like.) Alone, yes, I'd say I'm incredibly in love with my weirdness and self. I have a blast alone, but there are definitely some things I perceive as negative/detrimental, and do not love about myself. But apparently, when I have to put myself around others more than X number of times, that confidence takes flight and I shutdown the release valve. (Something to explore more: my past.)

The result of all this is a person who is very up-front in the beginning, allowing people to see exactly who and what I am when they meet me and are getting to know me, but someone who isn't emotionally confident enough to allow people to get any further than where I let them. I don't know if my best friends have ever really seen me cry, express my need for help, or be vulnerable. People I lived with for years likely have never seen me breakdown; I don't even cry that much in front of my family. I think that's pretty weird.

Recently I realized that I have an incredibly intense and strange relationship with the words 'stupid' and 'idiot', and that if, at any time, someone says something that makes me think/feel like they think I'm stupid or are trying to imply it, I get incredibly tense, angry, and defensive.

My best friend and I were talking, and I told him that sometimes I get the feeling he thinks I'm stupid, and he said that yeah, sometimes he does. I actually had to leave the room because I was so offended and mad. And the same thing happened with someone else I'm pretty close to, and love very much. He said something that made me feel like he was implying I'm not intelligent, and I was considering stopping communication with him. Why, why, why? Why were these my reactions?

I have developed some pretty good conclusions as to why, but it's incredibly personal, and I don't think it would be very appropriate to share them on a public blog. But, I have determined some sources, and it definitely is related to certain things that were part of my growing up experience. I'll leave it at that.

So how is this related to me dancing like crazy, then holding back? Me being insanely and strangely open with people, then later closing up? What's the connection?

Well, I think it's because I think that people will judge me and not like me if they really get to know what's going on on my deeper levels. Why? Maybe because I don't like it all. Maybe because I am just as judgmental and critical as the next person, and those are qualities I try to smother and not allow to surface. Maybe because I am worried that they will tire of me, think it's all some act, that I'm fake, and realize that everything isn't as pretty and positive as it seems at first. I think that, because people I've been closest to over the year have caused these mental associations and hurt me, I think everyone will.

I'm always surprised by my long[er] relationships with guys... I often think that they are going to keep getting to know me, see every weird part of my personality, and then decide I'm not what they want or thought I was at first. Instead, it's quite the opposite. So why do I still have this "problem"? It's ridiculous. If I am being the real me when people meet me, and they like me, why would that change as they keep getting to know the real me? And what's more, why would they stop liking me for certain traits and tendencies I have that they experienced upon meeting me? I mean, I'm insane! I'm insane! O_o

It's been really interesting to realize things from my childhood that have influenced and affected me as a young adult, and this is all just part of that. So now, the question becomes, can it be overcome? Can I learn to trust in myself enough that I trust others won't decide later on in the journey that I'm not longer someone they want to travel with? Man, I hope so, or it's going to be a fairly short and lonely ride! I don't want my life to be full of incredible short-term moments and memories. I want to have some connections that I maintain my entire life, people I know forever. I know I've got some, but even with them, I still keep some facets of myself, to myself. How can I learn to fully open up and share it all? Can I?

I guess we'll just have to keep living and trying, and find out!

So these are some thoughts and mentally-exploratory processes of my morning. :)

Today, I begin my three-day journey back to California for the holidays! I have to take the bus tonight from Ecija to Cordoba, and then tomorrow morning, I'll take the bus from Cordoba to the Malaga airport. There weren't blablacar's that worked with my luggage or time requirements, nor does the morning bus to Cordoba from here get me there in time to catch the one that goes to the airport, which is why my already two-day journey has become a three-day-er. Then tomorrow, I fly from Malaga to Munich, where I have 22 hours. Intentionally booked that way, so I can sneak in a trip to a city I've never seen, on my way home! Hehe. And on Sunday, the final 12-hour leg of the trip: a flight to San Francisco! My bags are packed, have been all week, and I am readddyyy to get to Cali!! Bring on the holidazeee!

Have a happy holiday season beauties, and try not to hide yourself like I tend to do! Life is more open with us when we're more open with it, and it's no secret that we can't be loved and accepted by others if we aren't loved and accepted first by ourselves! Give it a shot with me! Let's go into 2015 as open and accepting as we can be, and see what happens in the next year! We can revisit this moment in time in one year, and talk about the changes we've experienced. It'll be awesome!

And if no one else tells you this today, I love you, and so does God. So there, you've already got two major lovers on your team, passing that light to you! :)

And of course, as always,
Big Blessings, Love & Light to all fellow creatures on Earth and in the wild, wonderful MotherVerse

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

What Are You Really Saying Though?

Today in one of the classes we finished a little early, so the teacher decided to reward them for their good behavior and efforts, by playing a song that he'd shown them earlier in the week. I was pretty excited to hear it, because in both classes we had together yesterday, with groups from the same year, they were begging him to play it, and anything related to learning that gets these groups that hyped, I'm keen on experiencing. I knew it was related to heat transfers, and to be honest, was surprised that they liked whatever it was so much, since there is a general disinterest from most people this age in most subjects. This is what came on...

I listened on in awe as the whole class sang along, bopping around in their seats, totally digging this tune about conduction, convection, and radiation. Let me repeat that once more for emphasis:

A group of teenagers were happily singing along to a song about conduction, convection, and radiation. They were happily....learning! 

(If you teach this age, I'm sure your eyes are bugging out of your head as much as mine were as I witnessed it all happening.)

I mean, this is a group, that when the teacher enters the room, doesn't even consider it as a sign that they should take their seats, open their notebooks, and be quiet. One group among many that ignores the teacher's many futile efforts of asking them to be quiet, has to comment on everything that is said and start a class-wide discussion, and rarely engages in admirable efforts of showing respect to their teachers, each other, or me. So when they were completely absorbed in a song that was designed to teach them something, I couldn't believe it! I was overtaken by deep thoughts and assessments, and this incredibly obvious-but-strong thought/realization came over me:

Pop music has the power 
(Top 40's).

For people of any age, it is catchy, sticks in your head, and isn't too complicated follow or interpret, so it's easy to listen to. And especially for people in the 11-18 age range, it's their musical Bible, their water and their air, their steak and potatoes. It's got repetitive lyrics, probably related to something you can relate to, and therefore these lyrics become mantras. We used to put them in our AIM messenger statuses and info boxes, now they are plastered all over Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and on whatever other platforms people are up to these days. We hear a song, and it's not hard to associate it to something or someone in our lives, which contributes to us liking it, because, "Wow, this song is like, so perfect for me. I feel like they wrote it about my life!"

Which is why, while I was listening to teens singing about heat transfer, I came to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter what the song is saying, because let's face it, the lyrics in most of the top hits these days are total crap. And if the case is as it were today, as it so often is, a typical Top Hit is sung in English, but played all over the world. So you've got kids here in Spain jamming out and loving a song, but most don't even understand what they're hearing and singing. (A prime example coming from Lil Wayne's song, "Lollipop." A Spanish friend of mine told me how much she liked it, but that when she looked up the translation of the lyrics, couldn't believe what it said/she'd been saying!) Instead, it's the tune, the beat, the rhythm. That upbeat sound that makes us sway a little, and tends to take our heads to a happy place. It's pure psychological genius on the part of those who are trying to control the world with the junk. Which is why it's also a little (a lot, a lot, lot, lot, lot) unfortunate that these musical artists aren't using their position to say much of anything that's worth something, and that in the grander scheme of things, they aren't allowed to or promoted if they do.

It immediately reminded me of a scene in Step Up 4, when the lead female character is telling the lead male, that they have millions of people watching their videos on Youtube, but they aren't actually saying anything. That they had everyone's attention, all the eyes, but what was the message? And that's exactly how I feel about the pop genre. And this is all coming from a girl who was living and breathing Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, N'SYNC, and the Backstreet Boys growing up, and still can be caught singing along to a pop song every once in a while.

The point is, if more artists would dare to be true to their artistic talent and not sell out for fame and fortune (which only appears to bring happiness, but doesn't do anything to satisfy the soul), then imagine the impact it could have! Imagine these teens around the world singing about peace, love, taking care of one another, how to help each other, sustainability and being a conscious creature on Earth, instead of "You broke my heart, now Imma break your car," "Women are sluts and need to be exploited," "Today I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm not going to, because I'm rich and famous and don't have to, so yeah, that's what I'm saying, hahaha, SEX!" (All paraphrased a bit, but the meaning is relatively maintained. ;-)

It would be SO COOL to hear teens and people repeating lyrics of love and wisdom, instead of this junk that just makes them think the only way to fit in is by wasting yourself on the weekends, going shopping, falling in and out of love, being promiscuous, playing sports, being the biggest, best, prettiest, smartest-but-not-in-your-face-smart (oh yeah, and don't forget you still have to be HOTT), fastest, richest, most-followed, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. My gosh, it's no wonder teens aren't motivated to learn things in school, with all the crap lessons they're being taught, nothing that we're actually trying to teach them is important or going to score them points in society's book of who's who! And woooowwwwieeee, the amount of energy that would be getting sent to these positive things for the world and society!? Crazy what we would see happen! It's no wonder the world is a broken mess with all the stuff we keep singing!

This is a call for all the artists out there to be true to themselves, not to sell out, and not to do your art to please other people. And to try, for the love of God, to send out a positive message!!

Is that why I write? Is that why you paint? Is that why you sing? Did you start doing this because of other people? To serve them? Sure, maybe the inspiration came from someone else, but it's your craft! Make it your own, do it your way! There are more than enough copy-cats and clones out there, let's be some originals! I promise, it'll be a lot more satisfying on your soul!

Let's all make a vow to make choices we're proud of, ones we'd actually feel good boasting to God about, and stop making choices that we think others want to see us make. Ugh! I spent so long doing that, I'm still trying to stop! And all those things I said and did because it was what They wanted, none of them ever made me feel a fraction as good as the times I am just true to myself and blast the real me out into the atmosphere!

Art is expression, 
Don't try to use yourself,
To express anybody else

Blessings, Love & Light to all the Light Workers out there, trying to make a difference in the world and spread that shine! Keep it up, we're getting there! Don't grow weary, because that light can never burn out! And to all my fellow artists, Earthings, members of humanity, 
S H I N E  O N

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Things I'm Glad I'll Never Know

I've been observing some really amazing instinctual reactions within myself lately. One of them I wrote about here, when someone I used to live with screwed over my darling and I, and instead of getting mad at him, I felt sad for him, and decided to send up a prayer. Another one came about a month and a half ago...

It's been more months than I can count since I last shaved my legs. Weird way to start, I know, but just stick with me on this one. The decision to stop shaving, or rather the willingness to just let it grow and be natural, all happened back in 2012. I decided that I wanted to embrace my natural, womanly state, and give the warm-and-fuzzy lifestyle a shot. So, I stopped shaving. It wasn't to make some bold political statement (well, not entirely), nor was it to take myself to the next level of hippie. It wasn't something I did to shock others, nor to try and inspire anyone else. And it definitely wasn't to please anyone else, because as my boyfriend at the time said, "You're not going to shave anymore?I thought you were just being lazy, and that was one thing, but just not doing it ever again, that's disgusting, that is not okay." It was something I decided to do for myself, on my own.

In the last two and a half years, I've probably shaved my legs perhaps 10-15 times. Usually before a big event (my uncles' wedding, which turned out to be a bit of a waste since I was in floor-length dresses and skirts the entire time anyways), or when I feel like checking out life without hairy legs. (Which always leaves me feeling like I just aborted a child or something. Like this huge part of me is suddenly missing, and I feel inexplicably weird and exposed. Until I rub my legs together, then I'm reminded why so many enjoy it..hehe.) And I'll admit, I did cave after my parents' visit last September, in which my dad was hassling me everyday about how gross it looked. And after he showed me a picture, and I at first thought they were a man's legs, I did shave, to my family's great relief. But other than that, the action hasn't happened a lot, and I'm fine with it, maybe even a bit proud. Or so I thought. . .

In late October, I wore a dress one day to the high school where I'm assisting. I had some classes with the 14-16 year olds, and during the class, one of the girls caught sight of my legs. She immediately freaked out, nudged her friend, whispered the news to her, and then followed by spreading it around the room to those near her. Teenage heads were craning this way and that, just trying to catch a glimpse of my unsightly, hairy legs. It made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I was praying thanks for the large teacher's desk that was in front of me, providing an appropriate place to hide. But nonetheless, I was hiding.

Never in my life, not even when I was one, have I had a group of teenagers or people looking at me, pointing at me, whispering about me, and laughing at me, because of my physical appearance (not related to something I'm donning that day). It was such an intense experience for me, and it left me feeling so confused, self-conscious, and then ashamed, for trying to hide.

It only got worse, when, after class, I passed by the group in the hall, and all their eyes went straight down to my lower legs. Eyes bugging out of their heads, they clung to each other, and proceeded to laugh and let out "oh shit"'s that echoed down the hall, and followed me into my next class. I was trying to hard to keep my head up high and walk with confidence, but everything inside me was churning and turning inwards. The whole thing made me feel so embarrassed. When my classes were done, I went home with my shoulders slumping a little, and thankfully, my beauty was here. I told him what had happened, and relaxed in his arms as he held me, speaking consolations and comfort into my soul. Then, I had a big decision to make.

I was supposed to go back to the school for one more class with another group of the same age. I was home and had access to my clothes, which meant I could put tights on before returning, or continue my day the way I'd started it: legs out, hair exposed, statement inadvertently being made. Would I hide further, or face the laughter and looks?

I decided to brave them and not allow them to make me feel embarrassed or ashamed for a decision I'd made to empower myself, and embrace/accept myself as a natural, beautiful woman, the way I hope we all will. So I went back to the school, hair blowing in the breeze, and gave my final class. I'm not sure if anyone noticed my legs, if they did, their reaction was much more discrete than that of their classmates, and when I left, I was glad I hadn't decided to hide.

From there I had to make another choice: I could enter every class with that first group thinking about how they'd made me feel, allow it to cloud my energy and judgement towards them, resulting in misery every time I went into their class, or I could just choose to forget about it, and realize that it wasn't anything personal. They weren't laughing at me nor were they intentionally trying to make me feel that way, they were laughing because what I am is different from what they're told they should be. They were laughing because they didn't know how else to react, and because, let's face it, they're teenagers, and haven't fully matured yet. They laugh at everything, because in situations that make us feel uncomfortable, it's usually the easiest way to respond. So, I decided to delight in the fact the hot weather had passed, leaving me with no interest in wearing leg-exposing clothes, and just move on as if it never happened. And oh my goodness, I am so glad that's what I decided to do!

Since then, I've enjoyed every single class I've had with that group, and only a few times will I stop and realize, "Those were the same girls who were making a huge scene over my legs." They're really sweet people, which makes me so thrilled that I didn't decide to become hostile and hold a grudge, because every time we see each other, we smile, and it's a nice moment. And, when I ran into them in the center of town last Friday, and one of them asked me if I had any friends here, because if I didn't, she'd give me her phone number for Whatsapp so we could hang out and she'd show me good places to eat, I was praying endless prayers of thanks for the way I'd responded. (So sweet, so amazing!)

So in the end, I've spent more time thinking, "I'm so glad I decided to take the high road and react in a conscious way," than, "Screw those girls who made me feel like crap," and that is more encouragement than I need to continue brushing things off in life, not taking them personally, and deciding to love on through it all! I'm a very sensitive person, and only recently have I decided to accept that, but also work on not letting things get to me so much. Because honestly, most of the time people say or do something, it's not because they're really trying to hurt you, it's just a reaction, and our perception of it makes it painful or pleasant. And what would have happened in this year, in our classes, to our relationship, to our energy, to the universal impact of it all, had I decided to take hostility's hand instead of love's? Well, that is something I'm Glad I'll Never Know!

It can be so hard to remember, when someone hurts us deeply or on any level for that matter, it's not going to do any good to take it personally and let it get a rise out of us. And more often than not, it's the other person that has the issue. It's not really in our nature to hurt one another, we only do so because we act out of an unconscious, unidentified, or insecure place within ourselves. Most emotions that we feel are secondary emotions, caused by something else. So it's incredibly important to remember to try to not allow what someone says or does to affect us and cause us to switch and shift from acting out of love, to acting out of revenge and/or hurt. They hurt, because they're hurting. We must love, because that's what they need, and we need as well. Every moment provides us an opportunity to be positive or negative, loving or resentful. And I firmly believe that if we keep accepting and loving ourselves, and choosing to be positive in every situation, because yes, it is a choice, then we will see ourselves go places we've never imagined! :)

I hope that you have a happy, conscious day, and that life is handing you only the most delicious lemons ever, so you can squeeze 'em into some warm water in the morning, and turn 'em into something that has great benefits for your health! :D

And as always,

Blessings, Love & Light
I love you brothers and sisters


Sunday, December 14, 2014

Trading Worthless for Infinite Value

People always say, "Life is short." I remember reading an email, back when there was no Facebook, AIM was the main way we communicated, and chain link emails were being passed around, as if all those threats about having a bad day, the worst year of your life, losing all your friends, and never finding love were certain to come true if we didn't, and in this email, there was a list of little quips. One of them was about this quote, "Life is short," and it stated:

They say that life is short... 
But, it's the longest damn thing any of us will ever do! 

That's stuck with me throughout my entire life, and I still remember how it sent me spiraling into deep thought when I read it. I mean, it's so true! We always say life is short, and in regards to how/why people say it, I completely understand and agree -- life flies by, it could be over before we know it, make the most of everything, and live it up! With all of this, I agree. But it's undeniable that life is the longest thing any of us will ever do, and I don't think many consider it this way.

We tend to look at life as some sort of a race, a perpetual competition of some kind, in which the prize is status and an accumulation of material goods, boastful stories, and contacts. (I say contacts instead of friends, because how many of us have hundreds of friends on Facebook, but would only share our secrets with maybe one or two people, if that?) So why is it that we've taken our one and only shot at being a living, breathing, thinking human on Earth, and turned it into some rat race?

For many of us, we've grown up in a Western Society, where we are groomed and trained from a young age that consumerism, money, and appearance are the keys to life, joy, happiness, and success. We are taught not to accept ourselves as we are, because certainly we aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, ______ enough, and therefore we must partake in the bounty of things being offered to us. In order to survive and thrive, we have to drink the Kool-Aid. Or so we think.

But what if there was another key, one that mainstream media isn't running ads for every 3-6 minutes? What if there was some other trick, some other offering, some other something, that would make us feel beautiful and wonderful just the way we are, would satisfy us more than any chocolate cake, pair of shoes, or football team ever could, and provide all the life, joy, happiness, success, love and satisfaction we seek and are told we need in order to be doing well at life?

I've spent 25 1/2 years living on this Earth, and most of that time, I have been or am playing the game. I was brought up in the Western World, flying high on consumption, full of self-doubt, and starving for satisfaction and self-worth/respect/confidence/acceptance. I tried to find it in so, so many places. Drugs, alcohol, sex, friends, clothes, shoes, products, brands, everything and anything they told me I should be using or trying, I wanted to try.

I used to think I was "experimental." The kind of person who just wanted to try everything in life at least once. I thought I was being open-minded and giving myself the opportunity to form my own opinions on everything. But what I found, is that some things, you don't only try once. Sometimes, they become a habit, which becomes a lifestyle, which becomes a cycle, and before you know it, you're so far from where and why you started, you don't even realize you're completely missing the mark. That was my life for a solid decade, give-or-take some years... ok, mostly give them. And honestly, I didn't even know how unhappy and lost I was till I moved away from everything that was familiar to me.

When I came to Spain, I had a feeling it was something God was calling me to do. I didn't know why, but since I'd returned to the United States from studying abroad in Northern Spain, I just knew I'd end up returning. I thought about it almost every single day for two and a half years. In my cubicle at work, I'd look at pictures of other people's adventures, other countries, and feel everything inside of me dying and screaming to just jump through the screen and end up anywhere else. I knew the world was where I was meant to be, I just didn't know when or how I'd get back out into her.

So when, one week before my Disney/ABC contract was going to end, I found out I was accepted to come to Spain, I could only attribute the timing to God. After all, my acceptance email came in uncharacteristically late, by about two or three months, and I'd been trying to figure out what to do next -- continue smothering my soul 40 hours a week in a cubicle, or take the chance to do something totally new and different, something I had yet to figure out. Well, He was giving me an "easy out". I took the week to decide, and cried every single day, while my beloved boyfriend at the time held me and told me, "I'm going to miss you so much, but I think that you have to go."

Now, almost two years have passed since I moved to Spain, and I'm more certain than ever that it's what God wanted me to do.

When I came here, I was essentially alone. Some family of a friend of mine from the north were gracious enough to pick me up from the airport and settle me in, but I had no friends or family of my own. I wasn't living in a place with internet, nor was my phone set up for Spain, so I had no way of contacting anyone or taking comfort in the Facebook Newsfeed. I could barely speak the language, and with the thick accent down here, I might as well have landed in Bangladesh. Every time I left the house, it was an adventure. Since I had no phone, I had no GPS, which meant I had no way of knowing where I was, or how to get to where I needed to be. It was up to my basic Spanish, some notes, and my intuition to guide me. I didn't even have a traditional map, so I would find bus stops and try to piece together whichever segment they were showing. And you know what happened?

All Awesome! 

Sure, there were some times I was lost, it was dark, and I started to feel a little panicked, but I just took some deep breaths, said a prayer, and allowed the Holy Spirit to guide me home. I even ended up meeting someone on the street, who took me to what would become my favorite place in Sevilla, a place I spent hours in each week, and still do whenever I'm in town. I have likely never been so alone, friend-less and isolated in my life, but I'd also never felt happier or freer. It's funny how we think we need so much, but all we really need is some Good God Lovin'!

Of course, it didn't take me long to realize that God was being a little selfish when He called me to Spain. Sure, it was what I'd always wanted, to return, but more than that, it was His way of getting me away from everything and everyone familiar, away from the cycle and lifestyle I'd been living, and get me all to Himself, completely isolated, and therefore, entirely dependent on Him. I still long for those days when I had no phone and no idea, and only could turn to Him to get me through. Now, a 'seasoned pro' at life abroad (simply because I'm incredibly used to Spain now, can speak the language, and have a phone with internet), I don't need Him as much for as many things, like helping me get home. But it doesn't change the fact that my dependence has completely shifted since I came here.

Where once I would have been seeking out someone to buy drugs from, I'm thrilled to be able to say I have no idea where to get any. Where before I would have been going out every single night to inebriate myself because of social anxiety and confusion, and wake up wondering where we'd been, I'm ecstatic about the fact I wake up every weekday morning at 6:30 to exercise and pray, and at nine on the weekends. Where I'd have had a new boyfriend every time I went out, to try and fill the gaping whole inside me that only longed for the love of another, I know now I am the only one who can fill that gap, and it's by the Grace of God! And, where I once would have spent every last penny I had on clothes, shoes and accessories that I definitely didn't need, aren't comfortable, and maybe didn't even really like, forcing myself to go on a two-eggs-and-a-potato-a-day diet because I couldn't afford anything else by the end of the month, I now actually save money, and spend it to travel, learn, grow, take classes, study a third language, become certified in health practices, and support expensive-but-bio-brands. None of this would have been able to happen this way had I stayed put and ignored the call!

I am happier than I've ever been, more confident than I've ever been, growing and learning more than I ever have, and feel so much more satisfied than ever before! I'm making a substantially lower amount of money than I was working for Disney/ABC, I weigh a fair amount more than I did before, my bed is a single and I have to turn on the gas tank and light the fire every time I want to shower in hot water, and my closet is a fourth of the size of my old ones, but my costs of living are lower here, my quality of life much, much higher, and I feel great about myself! I have often wondered if I did the right thing by moving here, but the moment I try to really consider it well, and have the chance to doubt or regret it, I'm overcome with a, "Yeahhh, riiiight, like I regret this," thought/feeling.

My relationship with God was on the mend before I moved out here, but in college, it was nonexistent. I was too ashamed to talk to Him, and made excuses about why it would "be inappropriate to go to church in my condition." I was so far from myself, I couldn't even consider turning to Him, even though I knew He was what I needed and longed for. But since coming to Spain, my relationship with Him has continued to grow and strengthen, gain importance in my life, and become something that I value above all else. Especially in the last months, moving to yet another new place, and starting over once more. I now place God above all else, where before I just couldn't bring myself to put Him above my friends, family, self, and lifestyle. It's been one heck of a transition, but the results assure me it's the right thing to do. I've never felt better, and I've never been so comfortable with life or myself. And that, that is HUGE!

Which is why, when I opened my inbox today, and read K-Love's Encouraging Word of the Day, I was filled with what I know is His Presence, and felt so inspired to share a little of my story with you all. Because I believe every word of this verse, and have watched, seen, and felt it in my life.

"Indeed, I count

This verse holds so much truth to it, trust me, I've been there. I've been in the place of trying to fill myself with anything and everything, seeking satisfaction and worth in all the wrong places, and putting a higher value on all things but Christ -- all the insufficient and unimportant things. I couldn't believe more firmly that what I have traded isn't freedom, fun and a carefree existence for one in which there are guidelines, but instead, a life full of standards we succumb to, in exchange for one in which I am accepted and loved unconditionally just as I am, and given guidelines solely to protect me, nurture me, and enable me to live well and thrive. And that, to me, is real freedom!

If you are going through a hard time, know that I am here for you. I am not a certified psychologist, nor anyone qualified by scholastic means to give you guidance, but I love you, I care about you, and I believe in the natural good that is within you. If you feel lost, confused, addicted, or any other unsettling thing, know that it's temporary, and that while, right now, it might seem suffocating and like it's destroying you, all the strength you need is within you, and you are amazing enough to overcome it all. 
I was in such a terrible place before, worse because I tried to tell myself I was happy, and often believed it, even though now I see how untrue it was. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is our destiny to reach it. Please, don't allow yourself to be so caught up in all the worthless things we're made to think we need, and remember that everything we need is inside us already. You are magic, we are magic, we are humans on Earth and it's amazing!!! I hope you have an incredible, beautiful, and soul-satisfying day or night wherever you are! I love you so much, and so does He!

Blessings from Above, All of His Love, 
May His Light fill you,
Amen <3

Friday, December 12, 2014

An Alternative Reaction, A Conscious Response

It's funny, because when we're growing up, I think we often tend to think that we're more mature than our age, or at least, more mature than we think we should be/really are. I spent a lot of years thinking I was more mature than a lot of people my age, partly in due to the fact others told me so, and partly due to the fact it's nearly impossible for us to view ourselves as we really are. So when I felt like I was sooo mature, I was actually just living, breathing, and being a typical ____-year older. Which makes me feel like I shouldn't even be writing this post, since I know I'm not anywhere near as mature as I'll finish being, but, in lieu of certain current events, I definitely am aware of what maturity is really like, as well as what life is like when you're living in constant communication/reliance on Christ.

For example, my beauty and I just got finished being totally screwed over and played by someone I used to live with. I'm not going to get into details, but let's just say, he pulled a fast one on us, in truly professional style.

Now, I think that had this been some years ago, or, because I'm an incredibly varying person depending on the moment, perhaps even just a few days ago when I was in a really negative space, my reaction to this situation would have been very, very different than it has been. There would have been a time where I would have started stalking down different people he knows, trying to get angry and/or cryptic messages to him any way I could, searching the town high and low for the shop his mom owns to tell her what he's done and try to get her to pay for it or contact him, and saying all the right things to cause a worse hurt than the one that he's inflicted (hello, I'm a woman, we are experts at knowing exactly what to say to completely destroy a person on an emotional/mental level, generally surpassing, by far, the level of hurt originally inflicted by the other party involved). But right now, in the moment, instead I chose to pray.

I know I'm probably losing or have lost some of you by this point, but honestly, after I was able to collect myself and get my jaw to come up off the floor and close, I decided I needed to pray for his soul, and those of the brothers and sisters out there like him. This was/is my prayer:

I pray for all those {{ brothers && sisters }} who steal, the ones who cheat each other. The ones who struggle so much, the overflow falls on upon those that are around. I pray for the ones who lie, the ones that hurt because they're hurting, and the ones who think that short cuts and quick pay are the only way. I pray that they realize their worth, and learn the easy way, what the results of their actions are, instead of the hard. I pray they can escape the hustle and flow of taking what they can when they've got a chance, and aspire to consciously do more for themselves and our kind. I pray that they Be Blessed, in spite of it all. B/c the hardest ones to love, are those that need it most, and can come out shining the brightest.

I can promise you, if I didn't have all my cards stacked in God's favor, there's no way in Hades I'd be praying for this guy or any of the others out there like him to be blessed. I'd be throwing down swear words and trying to muster up some spells to send his way like the witch I sometimes pretended to be. If I didn't have full faith in God, and know that the only one who's really going to suffer is the one who does some unconscious, cruel thing against one of his brothers or sisters, this would be an entirely different ball game. And I'd be throwing fast pitches straight at some skulls.

It's still really hard for me to believe that this is what's happened, but I might be even more surprised by my honest desire for him to be blessed and feel love, and the sadness I feel for the situation as a whole. Agitation is underlying, but when I really think about it, that's not what I feel, and it's certainly not what I'm choosing to embrace or expel.

This is a lesson learned, and if the main thing I get out of it, is to love right on through the tough stuff, then you know what? It's not such a bad one! I know I am a good person, and I will continue to be one. And because I believe this, I know that only blessings and beauty can come in whatever it might be. I just wish that more people realized the good in them, and didn't succumb to the hopelessness that seems to surround and consume them.

Please, if you're out there are you think the only way to live is to hustle, or that since you've been doing it so long, there's no way to stop, get out, get "good," please, I beg you to know that's not true. The Lord loves you so much, no matter what you've done, and there's always time to turn back and make a change. Your true essence, our true essence, it's so beautiful, it's so pure, it's so wonderful, it's love. You're better than you know, and far, far better than you could imagine. I love you, and I hope God blesses you.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Pondering Thyself

I was in the middle of writing a fairly emo and depressed poem, when my mood changed so quickly, I just couldn't continue it. I felt and noticed how I went from being in such a deep state of mulling over, considering, and thinking, "How much longer can I go on // take," to dancing on my bed, singing out loud, and laughing at myself for how much fun I was having, and it has left me really wondering how and why this happens. Because, truth be told, it happens to me, perhaps every day.

I've known that I suffer from extremely noticeable (mostly to myself) highs and lows for some time now, and haven't often wondered about the sense behind them. But when it happens in the middle of writing a poem, walking down the street, doing any other seemingly unimportant task, then I wonder, "What flicks?" What has suddenly clicked and/or shifted within me to make me go from being on the point of quitting a job, to not really caring much about anything, because happiness is the only thing I feel? Have you ever experienced it and wondered about this before?

There could be any number of reasons why this sudden shift occurs within us, and I am going to keep studying myself like a science project till the day I die, undoubtedly drawing countless conclusions about anything that happens, but I guess I'd have to figure, for now, that it's because the attention/focus shifts. It goes from this place of dwelling on whatever it is that's causing this negative rush within us, to whatever we are doing, which probably, hopefully, isn't related to the former. And because we simply take our deepest thought processes off this unpleasant source, our true essence -- love, light, infinite, bright energy -- can shine through, take over, and conquer, leaving us in a relative state of bliss (especially in comparison to what we were feeling/thinking before)!

Whatever the heck is going on, I hope that these bursts keep on coming and taking over everything in me that wants to dwell and stay in the unhappy place I'm too often drifting into! I am definitely in one of the harder periods of time I've faced in a while, and I'm not going to lie, every single day, most moments, it's a struggle. The battle in my mind is raging on as if some nuclear bombs had just been dropped on my brain, and it's been hard as hell to fight back with positivity. So much so, that in more moments than I'd care to admit, I'm not. I'm succumbing too frequently to all this. And I know that denial of reality and emotions and etc isn't healthy or the way to do it, but neither is entertaining them like some long-awaited, cheerfully invited guests. I'm working on finding the balance, and regaining my ground against these matters. I can only stock my artillery with reminders of the blessings I see and receive, and try my darnedest to focus on the good that is present in all situations.

That said, please do pray for me, meditate good energy my way, activate anything good in you, and wish it my way, if you please. I'd appreciate some extra strength being sent my way, and am sending it right back to you, too! We're all Earthlings, and we're here to support each other. When any of my brothers or sisters needs a boost, that's what I'd like to provide. And now, I'm the sister who needs a boost. I need to restrengthen my mind, so I can overcome these thoughts and feelings that keep sinking their teeth into me. So please, pray. :)

We're all in this together 
On this together 
And if we can't depend on one another, 
Then why do we keep making more of ourselves!? 

I love you brothers and sisters, Earth and Motherverse, Heavenly Father, and every creature that calls this place hOMe! I hope that you are having a very Happy Humpday, and can be strong enough to know that persistence is the key to all in this life!
Send blessings to others, and you too shall receive them!

Insane Blessings, Love & Light to you all!

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


I have nearly 50 blog posts that are partially finished and saved as drafts, or finished, but are quite up-front, and I'm not sure if it's acceptable to share them. (Something I will probably do after I'm no longer working as an educator.) And every once in a while, I look through some of them, delete some, update some, or just re-save it thinking, "I'll deal with that one later," where it ends up staying for endless months more. That's what I was in the middle of doing, when I came upon this post, that struck quite the chord within me. It was written on July 31, 2012, while I was working in a cubicle 40 hours a week at the coveted Disney/ABC Television Group. I'll let it speak for itself.

Why is it so unacceptable to just be a gypsy? Would it really be that bad if I quit my job, packed up a bag with what I could, and became a traveler? A life full of adventures and mystery is sure to be more satisfying and rewarding than a life in a box. Never knowing who or what is around the next turn can be scary, but it's usually the scariest things in life that prove to have the most worth. Not knowing where my next meal might come from would be a bit frightening considering that I love to eat so much, but even that is a minimal issue in retrospect. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake the feeling that I am meant to do more than I am right now, and I shouldn't keep waiting just so I can put in my time and gain more security for the future. I know that thinking in the long-term is the best way to plan and live, but I've never fallen into the category of "normal," I don't even believe there is a such thing. With so many different kinds of people, how could there be? I don't know, maybe I just feel like I know I can do more with this life, and I'm not maximizing my potential or being pushed.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Internal Turmoil

Written November 27, 2014

I try to be as positive as possible in most situations, push away the negative thoughts and feelings, and try to find the light in all. I trust and know that everything happens for a reason, and that truly, in every situation, no matter how ugly it might seem, there's a blessing to be found. And I normally try not to write about anything "negative" that's happening, because I don't want to give it more energy and strength. But, I think it's a little fake to only put out the pretty, and every once in a while, I've gotta let the struggle out. And right now, I'm reflecting on the work week that's about to come to an end, and I'm not afraid to say, "This week has been a really hard week for me."

On the one hand, there have been so, so many big, obvious blessings delivered to me. But on the other hand, and in spite of it all, I've had a couple days where I was feeling so passionless and unmotivated. I found out both my jobs end in May, meaning I can go travel with my grandma, mom and sister/take the month of June to travel, and still move home right after my Kinesiology course finishes in July. Which is cool, because I've been struggling a little bit with wanting to do a final trip for a few weeks (month) when the year ends, but also feeling like I should just get home and be with my grandma. Now, because of this blessing, I don't have to make a decision! And, I found out that the gal who's taking over the academy classes I was supposed to, is going to start them sooner than expected, meaning that I will not be as crazy-stressed-&-stretched-too-thin as I've been waiting to be! Yay and praise God on both counts!

So how could I possibly be feeling unmotivated and like I'm leading a life without passion in the midst of all these amazing revealings? (Input welcome.)

Perhaps, it's because what goes up must come down. But I generally choose to refute that when it comes to my emotional state. :) Perhaps it's because I got overly-stressed with everything I'm trying to do/doing. But I was definitely working more hours last year, and didn't feel as crazy. It could be any number of things, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination.

I'm choosing to believe that it's
1.) Because I've figured out what I want to do with my life, and it's causing me to feel overwhelmed at how much I think I might have to do to get where I want to be, as well as a little anxious/ready to just get on with it. Since I'm quite a passionate person, it's difficult for me to know I'm dedicating so much time and energy to something that isn't my primary source of passion.
2.) Because I've gotten quite tired, and when I get tired, I make unhealthy eating choices, etc, etc, etc, I am not loving myself, therefore I cannot love others, and every one of my students becomes the enemy.
3.) I'm a bit tired of giving so much of my time and energy to people who sit without appreciation, making fun of everything and everyone, and just generally being unmotivated about many things that involve much personal depth. As well as tired of the personal conflict I feel in contributing to the school system, when it's not exactly a system or a way that I support and/or believe in.

In any case, I had some really tough days, and decided to let it out on the page. I've got all my faith placed in the hands of God, and am choosing to now, more than before, say the "negative" things with confidence, trusting He'll take care of me no matter what!

I hope that your weeks have been bright, and your spirits high, after all, it's the season to smile! 

Blessings, Love & Light to all you lovely freaks and fairies out there!