Friday, December 19, 2014

Morning Plunder: Why Do I Start to Hold Back?

I have no idea what I was doing/thinking about, but I was suddenly overcome by a realization about myself. Ok, well, it's not exactly new information to cross my mental plains, but the association that came along with it was new..

I've known for quite some time now, that I tend to be incredibly open, expressive, and free with people, namely with strangers. But there comes a point in the relationship that I start to close myself off a bit and turn inward. I stop being so open and expressive, and start to, essentially, hide a little. Or at least, be more selective with that which I release.

The first example that comes to mind is dancing and my spiritual expression [at festivals]. I am a crazy, expressive, free-spirited dancer and meditate-er/pray-er. I will be one of the wildest people on the dance floor, just letting the music take my spirit where it wants, resulting in my body just going insane. Then sometimes, I'll suddenly stop, put my hands in an open, upward facing position, close my eyes, and sway softly, as I pray and mediate, absorbing all the good energy around me. I love it, dancing and praying are my favorite forms of therapy and expression.

So I was doing just that when I met my ex a few years ago at a festival. No big deal, didn't even care I was with some friends and surrounded by lots of good-looking strangers. It wasn't going to inhibit me. Instead, it actually kind of fueled me and made me go even crazier. But then, after dating my ex for half a year or so, I started to dance less freely. We'd go out to see some DJ and dance, and I'd feel kinda weird being so crazy, so I'd hold back a little. It always happens/happened with people (friends or guys) where I knew there was the chance that the relationship would advance. And especially in church. My gosh! I've been going to the same one since I was like eight years old! Why, in one of the places I should be the most expressive since I'm there to worship God, and I'm around people who have watched me grow up (meaning they've seen me in all my ridiculous phases of life, from goth to prep, jock to ghetto), am I so uncomfortable putting my arms in the air and dancing/singing my heart out? Why is that? Why is all this?

It's like, to a certain point, I don't care where I am or who's around, I'll be me, but then a time comes, after someone really knows me better/is getting to know me better, that I don't feel so free to be me. 

Strange, right?

So what I realized this morning, is that, I think I am very open at first, because I love myself, and I know that I almost always get positive reactions from people when I meet them, so I am confident in meeting new people. But for some reason, due to any number of things that have influenced me growing up, I am not confident with myself at a deeper level, and therefore I hold back. (I have also noticed this when I meet a guy I'm attracted to. It's like, I think there could be potential for something more, so I hold back a little bit because I think that what I am and have to offer, he might not like.) Alone, yes, I'd say I'm incredibly in love with my weirdness and self. I have a blast alone, but there are definitely some things I perceive as negative/detrimental, and do not love about myself. But apparently, when I have to put myself around others more than X number of times, that confidence takes flight and I shutdown the release valve. (Something to explore more: my past.)

The result of all this is a person who is very up-front in the beginning, allowing people to see exactly who and what I am when they meet me and are getting to know me, but someone who isn't emotionally confident enough to allow people to get any further than where I let them. I don't know if my best friends have ever really seen me cry, express my need for help, or be vulnerable. People I lived with for years likely have never seen me breakdown; I don't even cry that much in front of my family. I think that's pretty weird.

Recently I realized that I have an incredibly intense and strange relationship with the words 'stupid' and 'idiot', and that if, at any time, someone says something that makes me think/feel like they think I'm stupid or are trying to imply it, I get incredibly tense, angry, and defensive.

My best friend and I were talking, and I told him that sometimes I get the feeling he thinks I'm stupid, and he said that yeah, sometimes he does. I actually had to leave the room because I was so offended and mad. And the same thing happened with someone else I'm pretty close to, and love very much. He said something that made me feel like he was implying I'm not intelligent, and I was considering stopping communication with him. Why, why, why? Why were these my reactions?

I have developed some pretty good conclusions as to why, but it's incredibly personal, and I don't think it would be very appropriate to share them on a public blog. But, I have determined some sources, and it definitely is related to certain things that were part of my growing up experience. I'll leave it at that.

So how is this related to me dancing like crazy, then holding back? Me being insanely and strangely open with people, then later closing up? What's the connection?

Well, I think it's because I think that people will judge me and not like me if they really get to know what's going on on my deeper levels. Why? Maybe because I don't like it all. Maybe because I am just as judgmental and critical as the next person, and those are qualities I try to smother and not allow to surface. Maybe because I am worried that they will tire of me, think it's all some act, that I'm fake, and realize that everything isn't as pretty and positive as it seems at first. I think that, because people I've been closest to over the year have caused these mental associations and hurt me, I think everyone will.

I'm always surprised by my long[er] relationships with guys... I often think that they are going to keep getting to know me, see every weird part of my personality, and then decide I'm not what they want or thought I was at first. Instead, it's quite the opposite. So why do I still have this "problem"? It's ridiculous. If I am being the real me when people meet me, and they like me, why would that change as they keep getting to know the real me? And what's more, why would they stop liking me for certain traits and tendencies I have that they experienced upon meeting me? I mean, I'm insane! I'm insane! O_o

It's been really interesting to realize things from my childhood that have influenced and affected me as a young adult, and this is all just part of that. So now, the question becomes, can it be overcome? Can I learn to trust in myself enough that I trust others won't decide later on in the journey that I'm not longer someone they want to travel with? Man, I hope so, or it's going to be a fairly short and lonely ride! I don't want my life to be full of incredible short-term moments and memories. I want to have some connections that I maintain my entire life, people I know forever. I know I've got some, but even with them, I still keep some facets of myself, to myself. How can I learn to fully open up and share it all? Can I?

I guess we'll just have to keep living and trying, and find out!

So these are some thoughts and mentally-exploratory processes of my morning. :)

Today, I begin my three-day journey back to California for the holidays! I have to take the bus tonight from Ecija to Cordoba, and then tomorrow morning, I'll take the bus from Cordoba to the Malaga airport. There weren't blablacar's that worked with my luggage or time requirements, nor does the morning bus to Cordoba from here get me there in time to catch the one that goes to the airport, which is why my already two-day journey has become a three-day-er. Then tomorrow, I fly from Malaga to Munich, where I have 22 hours. Intentionally booked that way, so I can sneak in a trip to a city I've never seen, on my way home! Hehe. And on Sunday, the final 12-hour leg of the trip: a flight to San Francisco! My bags are packed, have been all week, and I am readddyyy to get to Cali!! Bring on the holidazeee!

Have a happy holiday season beauties, and try not to hide yourself like I tend to do! Life is more open with us when we're more open with it, and it's no secret that we can't be loved and accepted by others if we aren't loved and accepted first by ourselves! Give it a shot with me! Let's go into 2015 as open and accepting as we can be, and see what happens in the next year! We can revisit this moment in time in one year, and talk about the changes we've experienced. It'll be awesome!

And if no one else tells you this today, I love you, and so does God. So there, you've already got two major lovers on your team, passing that light to you! :)

And of course, as always,
Big Blessings, Love & Light to all fellow creatures on Earth and in the wild, wonderful MotherVerse

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

What Are You Really Saying Though?

Today in one of the classes we finished a little early, so the teacher decided to reward them for their good behavior and efforts, by playing a song that he'd shown them earlier in the week. I was pretty excited to hear it, because in both classes we had together yesterday, with groups from the same year, they were begging him to play it, and anything related to learning that gets these groups that hyped, I'm keen on experiencing. I knew it was related to heat transfers, and to be honest, was surprised that they liked whatever it was so much, since there is a general disinterest from most people this age in most subjects. This is what came on...

I listened on in awe as the whole class sang along, bopping around in their seats, totally digging this tune about conduction, convection, and radiation. Let me repeat that once more for emphasis:

A group of teenagers were happily singing along to a song about conduction, convection, and radiation. They were happily....learning! 

(If you teach this age, I'm sure your eyes are bugging out of your head as much as mine were as I witnessed it all happening.)

I mean, this is a group, that when the teacher enters the room, doesn't even consider it as a sign that they should take their seats, open their notebooks, and be quiet. One group among many that ignores the teacher's many futile efforts of asking them to be quiet, has to comment on everything that is said and start a class-wide discussion, and rarely engages in admirable efforts of showing respect to their teachers, each other, or me. So when they were completely absorbed in a song that was designed to teach them something, I couldn't believe it! I was overtaken by deep thoughts and assessments, and this incredibly obvious-but-strong thought/realization came over me:

Pop music has the power 
(Top 40's).

For people of any age, it is catchy, sticks in your head, and isn't too complicated follow or interpret, so it's easy to listen to. And especially for people in the 11-18 age range, it's their musical Bible, their water and their air, their steak and potatoes. It's got repetitive lyrics, probably related to something you can relate to, and therefore these lyrics become mantras. We used to put them in our AIM messenger statuses and info boxes, now they are plastered all over Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, and on whatever other platforms people are up to these days. We hear a song, and it's not hard to associate it to something or someone in our lives, which contributes to us liking it, because, "Wow, this song is like, so perfect for me. I feel like they wrote it about my life!"

Which is why, while I was listening to teens singing about heat transfer, I came to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter what the song is saying, because let's face it, the lyrics in most of the top hits these days are total crap. And if the case is as it were today, as it so often is, a typical Top Hit is sung in English, but played all over the world. So you've got kids here in Spain jamming out and loving a song, but most don't even understand what they're hearing and singing. (A prime example coming from Lil Wayne's song, "Lollipop." A Spanish friend of mine told me how much she liked it, but that when she looked up the translation of the lyrics, couldn't believe what it said/she'd been saying!) Instead, it's the tune, the beat, the rhythm. That upbeat sound that makes us sway a little, and tends to take our heads to a happy place. It's pure psychological genius on the part of those who are trying to control the world with the junk. Which is why it's also a little (a lot, a lot, lot, lot, lot) unfortunate that these musical artists aren't using their position to say much of anything that's worth something, and that in the grander scheme of things, they aren't allowed to or promoted if they do.

It immediately reminded me of a scene in Step Up 4, when the lead female character is telling the lead male, that they have millions of people watching their videos on Youtube, but they aren't actually saying anything. That they had everyone's attention, all the eyes, but what was the message? And that's exactly how I feel about the pop genre. And this is all coming from a girl who was living and breathing Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, N'SYNC, and the Backstreet Boys growing up, and still can be caught singing along to a pop song every once in a while.

The point is, if more artists would dare to be true to their artistic talent and not sell out for fame and fortune (which only appears to bring happiness, but doesn't do anything to satisfy the soul), then imagine the impact it could have! Imagine these teens around the world singing about peace, love, taking care of one another, how to help each other, sustainability and being a conscious creature on Earth, instead of "You broke my heart, now Imma break your car," "Women are sluts and need to be exploited," "Today I don't feel like doing anything, and I'm not going to, because I'm rich and famous and don't have to, so yeah, that's what I'm saying, hahaha, SEX!" (All paraphrased a bit, but the meaning is relatively maintained. ;-)

It would be SO COOL to hear teens and people repeating lyrics of love and wisdom, instead of this junk that just makes them think the only way to fit in is by wasting yourself on the weekends, going shopping, falling in and out of love, being promiscuous, playing sports, being the biggest, best, prettiest, smartest-but-not-in-your-face-smart (oh yeah, and don't forget you still have to be HOTT), fastest, richest, most-followed, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. My gosh, it's no wonder teens aren't motivated to learn things in school, with all the crap lessons they're being taught, nothing that we're actually trying to teach them is important or going to score them points in society's book of who's who! And woooowwwwieeee, the amount of energy that would be getting sent to these positive things for the world and society!? Crazy what we would see happen! It's no wonder the world is a broken mess with all the stuff we keep singing!

This is a call for all the artists out there to be true to themselves, not to sell out, and not to do your art to please other people. And to try, for the love of God, to send out a positive message!!

Is that why I write? Is that why you paint? Is that why you sing? Did you start doing this because of other people? To serve them? Sure, maybe the inspiration came from someone else, but it's your craft! Make it your own, do it your way! There are more than enough copy-cats and clones out there, let's be some originals! I promise, it'll be a lot more satisfying on your soul!

Let's all make a vow to make choices we're proud of, ones we'd actually feel good boasting to God about, and stop making choices that we think others want to see us make. Ugh! I spent so long doing that, I'm still trying to stop! And all those things I said and did because it was what They wanted, none of them ever made me feel a fraction as good as the times I am just true to myself and blast the real me out into the atmosphere!

Art is expression, 
Don't try to use yourself,
To express anybody else

Blessings, Love & Light to all the Light Workers out there, trying to make a difference in the world and spread that shine! Keep it up, we're getting there! Don't grow weary, because that light can never burn out! And to all my fellow artists, Earthings, members of humanity, 
S H I N E  O N

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Things I'm Glad I'll Never Know

I've been observing some really amazing instinctual reactions within myself lately. One of them I wrote about here, when someone I used to live with screwed over my darling and I, and instead of getting mad at him, I felt sad for him, and decided to send up a prayer. Another one came about a month and a half ago...

It's been more months than I can count since I last shaved my legs. Weird way to start, I know, but just stick with me on this one. The decision to stop shaving, or rather the willingness to just let it grow and be natural, all happened back in 2012. I decided that I wanted to embrace my natural, womanly state, and give the warm-and-fuzzy lifestyle a shot. So, I stopped shaving. It wasn't to make some bold political statement (well, not entirely), nor was it to take myself to the next level of hippie. It wasn't something I did to shock others, nor to try and inspire anyone else. And it definitely wasn't to please anyone else, because as my boyfriend at the time said, "You're not going to shave anymore?I thought you were just being lazy, and that was one thing, but just not doing it ever again, that's disgusting, that is not okay." It was something I decided to do for myself, on my own.

In the last two and a half years, I've probably shaved my legs perhaps 10-15 times. Usually before a big event (my uncles' wedding, which turned out to be a bit of a waste since I was in floor-length dresses and skirts the entire time anyways), or when I feel like checking out life without hairy legs. (Which always leaves me feeling like I just aborted a child or something. Like this huge part of me is suddenly missing, and I feel inexplicably weird and exposed. Until I rub my legs together, then I'm reminded why so many enjoy it..hehe.) And I'll admit, I did cave after my parents' visit last September, in which my dad was hassling me everyday about how gross it looked. And after he showed me a picture, and I at first thought they were a man's legs, I did shave, to my family's great relief. But other than that, the action hasn't happened a lot, and I'm fine with it, maybe even a bit proud. Or so I thought. . .

In late October, I wore a dress one day to the high school where I'm assisting. I had some classes with the 14-16 year olds, and during the class, one of the girls caught sight of my legs. She immediately freaked out, nudged her friend, whispered the news to her, and then followed by spreading it around the room to those near her. Teenage heads were craning this way and that, just trying to catch a glimpse of my unsightly, hairy legs. It made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I was praying thanks for the large teacher's desk that was in front of me, providing an appropriate place to hide. But nonetheless, I was hiding.

Never in my life, not even when I was one, have I had a group of teenagers or people looking at me, pointing at me, whispering about me, and laughing at me, because of my physical appearance (not related to something I'm donning that day). It was such an intense experience for me, and it left me feeling so confused, self-conscious, and then ashamed, for trying to hide.

It only got worse, when, after class, I passed by the group in the hall, and all their eyes went straight down to my lower legs. Eyes bugging out of their heads, they clung to each other, and proceeded to laugh and let out "oh shit"'s that echoed down the hall, and followed me into my next class. I was trying to hard to keep my head up high and walk with confidence, but everything inside me was churning and turning inwards. The whole thing made me feel so embarrassed. When my classes were done, I went home with my shoulders slumping a little, and thankfully, my beauty was here. I told him what had happened, and relaxed in his arms as he held me, speaking consolations and comfort into my soul. Then, I had a big decision to make.

I was supposed to go back to the school for one more class with another group of the same age. I was home and had access to my clothes, which meant I could put tights on before returning, or continue my day the way I'd started it: legs out, hair exposed, statement inadvertently being made. Would I hide further, or face the laughter and looks?

I decided to brave them and not allow them to make me feel embarrassed or ashamed for a decision I'd made to empower myself, and embrace/accept myself as a natural, beautiful woman, the way I hope we all will. So I went back to the school, hair blowing in the breeze, and gave my final class. I'm not sure if anyone noticed my legs, if they did, their reaction was much more discrete than that of their classmates, and when I left, I was glad I hadn't decided to hide.

From there I had to make another choice: I could enter every class with that first group thinking about how they'd made me feel, allow it to cloud my energy and judgement towards them, resulting in misery every time I went into their class, or I could just choose to forget about it, and realize that it wasn't anything personal. They weren't laughing at me nor were they intentionally trying to make me feel that way, they were laughing because what I am is different from what they're told they should be. They were laughing because they didn't know how else to react, and because, let's face it, they're teenagers, and haven't fully matured yet. They laugh at everything, because in situations that make us feel uncomfortable, it's usually the easiest way to respond. So, I decided to delight in the fact the hot weather had passed, leaving me with no interest in wearing leg-exposing clothes, and just move on as if it never happened. And oh my goodness, I am so glad that's what I decided to do!

Since then, I've enjoyed every single class I've had with that group, and only a few times will I stop and realize, "Those were the same girls who were making a huge scene over my legs." They're really sweet people, which makes me so thrilled that I didn't decide to become hostile and hold a grudge, because every time we see each other, we smile, and it's a nice moment. And, when I ran into them in the center of town last Friday, and one of them asked me if I had any friends here, because if I didn't, she'd give me her phone number for Whatsapp so we could hang out and she'd show me good places to eat, I was praying endless prayers of thanks for the way I'd responded. (So sweet, so amazing!)

So in the end, I've spent more time thinking, "I'm so glad I decided to take the high road and react in a conscious way," than, "Screw those girls who made me feel like crap," and that is more encouragement than I need to continue brushing things off in life, not taking them personally, and deciding to love on through it all! I'm a very sensitive person, and only recently have I decided to accept that, but also work on not letting things get to me so much. Because honestly, most of the time people say or do something, it's not because they're really trying to hurt you, it's just a reaction, and our perception of it makes it painful or pleasant. And what would have happened in this year, in our classes, to our relationship, to our energy, to the universal impact of it all, had I decided to take hostility's hand instead of love's? Well, that is something I'm Glad I'll Never Know!

It can be so hard to remember, when someone hurts us deeply or on any level for that matter, it's not going to do any good to take it personally and let it get a rise out of us. And more often than not, it's the other person that has the issue. It's not really in our nature to hurt one another, we only do so because we act out of an unconscious, unidentified, or insecure place within ourselves. Most emotions that we feel are secondary emotions, caused by something else. So it's incredibly important to remember to try to not allow what someone says or does to affect us and cause us to switch and shift from acting out of love, to acting out of revenge and/or hurt. They hurt, because they're hurting. We must love, because that's what they need, and we need as well. Every moment provides us an opportunity to be positive or negative, loving or resentful. And I firmly believe that if we keep accepting and loving ourselves, and choosing to be positive in every situation, because yes, it is a choice, then we will see ourselves go places we've never imagined! :)

I hope that you have a happy, conscious day, and that life is handing you only the most delicious lemons ever, so you can squeeze 'em into some warm water in the morning, and turn 'em into something that has great benefits for your health! :D

And as always,

Blessings, Love & Light
I love you brothers and sisters


Sunday, December 14, 2014

Trading Worthless for Infinite Value

People always say, "Life is short." I remember reading an email, back when there was no Facebook, AIM was the main way we communicated, and chain link emails were being passed around, as if all those threats about having a bad day, the worst year of your life, losing all your friends, and never finding love were certain to come true if we didn't, and in this email, there was a list of little quips. One of them was about this quote, "Life is short," and it stated:

They say that life is short... 
But, it's the longest damn thing any of us will ever do! 

That's stuck with me throughout my entire life, and I still remember how it sent me spiraling into deep thought when I read it. I mean, it's so true! We always say life is short, and in regards to how/why people say it, I completely understand and agree -- life flies by, it could be over before we know it, make the most of everything, and live it up! With all of this, I agree. But it's undeniable that life is the longest thing any of us will ever do, and I don't think many consider it this way.

We tend to look at life as some sort of a race, a perpetual competition of some kind, in which the prize is status and an accumulation of material goods, boastful stories, and contacts. (I say contacts instead of friends, because how many of us have hundreds of friends on Facebook, but would only share our secrets with maybe one or two people, if that?) So why is it that we've taken our one and only shot at being a living, breathing, thinking human on Earth, and turned it into some rat race?

For many of us, we've grown up in a Western Society, where we are groomed and trained from a young age that consumerism, money, and appearance are the keys to life, joy, happiness, and success. We are taught not to accept ourselves as we are, because certainly we aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, ______ enough, and therefore we must partake in the bounty of things being offered to us. In order to survive and thrive, we have to drink the Kool-Aid. Or so we think.

But what if there was another key, one that mainstream media isn't running ads for every 3-6 minutes? What if there was some other trick, some other offering, some other something, that would make us feel beautiful and wonderful just the way we are, would satisfy us more than any chocolate cake, pair of shoes, or football team ever could, and provide all the life, joy, happiness, success, love and satisfaction we seek and are told we need in order to be doing well at life?

I've spent 25 1/2 years living on this Earth, and most of that time, I have been or am playing the game. I was brought up in the Western World, flying high on consumption, full of self-doubt, and starving for satisfaction and self-worth/respect/confidence/acceptance. I tried to find it in so, so many places. Drugs, alcohol, sex, friends, clothes, shoes, products, brands, everything and anything they told me I should be using or trying, I wanted to try.

I used to think I was "experimental." The kind of person who just wanted to try everything in life at least once. I thought I was being open-minded and giving myself the opportunity to form my own opinions on everything. But what I found, is that some things, you don't only try once. Sometimes, they become a habit, which becomes a lifestyle, which becomes a cycle, and before you know it, you're so far from where and why you started, you don't even realize you're completely missing the mark. That was my life for a solid decade, give-or-take some years... ok, mostly give them. And honestly, I didn't even know how unhappy and lost I was till I moved away from everything that was familiar to me.

When I came to Spain, I had a feeling it was something God was calling me to do. I didn't know why, but since I'd returned to the United States from studying abroad in Northern Spain, I just knew I'd end up returning. I thought about it almost every single day for two and a half years. In my cubicle at work, I'd look at pictures of other people's adventures, other countries, and feel everything inside of me dying and screaming to just jump through the screen and end up anywhere else. I knew the world was where I was meant to be, I just didn't know when or how I'd get back out into her.

So when, one week before my Disney/ABC contract was going to end, I found out I was accepted to come to Spain, I could only attribute the timing to God. After all, my acceptance email came in uncharacteristically late, by about two or three months, and I'd been trying to figure out what to do next -- continue smothering my soul 40 hours a week in a cubicle, or take the chance to do something totally new and different, something I had yet to figure out. Well, He was giving me an "easy out". I took the week to decide, and cried every single day, while my beloved boyfriend at the time held me and told me, "I'm going to miss you so much, but I think that you have to go."

Now, almost two years have passed since I moved to Spain, and I'm more certain than ever that it's what God wanted me to do.

When I came here, I was essentially alone. Some family of a friend of mine from the north were gracious enough to pick me up from the airport and settle me in, but I had no friends or family of my own. I wasn't living in a place with internet, nor was my phone set up for Spain, so I had no way of contacting anyone or taking comfort in the Facebook Newsfeed. I could barely speak the language, and with the thick accent down here, I might as well have landed in Bangladesh. Every time I left the house, it was an adventure. Since I had no phone, I had no GPS, which meant I had no way of knowing where I was, or how to get to where I needed to be. It was up to my basic Spanish, some notes, and my intuition to guide me. I didn't even have a traditional map, so I would find bus stops and try to piece together whichever segment they were showing. And you know what happened?

All Awesome! 

Sure, there were some times I was lost, it was dark, and I started to feel a little panicked, but I just took some deep breaths, said a prayer, and allowed the Holy Spirit to guide me home. I even ended up meeting someone on the street, who took me to what would become my favorite place in Sevilla, a place I spent hours in each week, and still do whenever I'm in town. I have likely never been so alone, friend-less and isolated in my life, but I'd also never felt happier or freer. It's funny how we think we need so much, but all we really need is some Good God Lovin'!

Of course, it didn't take me long to realize that God was being a little selfish when He called me to Spain. Sure, it was what I'd always wanted, to return, but more than that, it was His way of getting me away from everything and everyone familiar, away from the cycle and lifestyle I'd been living, and get me all to Himself, completely isolated, and therefore, entirely dependent on Him. I still long for those days when I had no phone and no idea, and only could turn to Him to get me through. Now, a 'seasoned pro' at life abroad (simply because I'm incredibly used to Spain now, can speak the language, and have a phone with internet), I don't need Him as much for as many things, like helping me get home. But it doesn't change the fact that my dependence has completely shifted since I came here.

Where once I would have been seeking out someone to buy drugs from, I'm thrilled to be able to say I have no idea where to get any. Where before I would have been going out every single night to inebriate myself because of social anxiety and confusion, and wake up wondering where we'd been, I'm ecstatic about the fact I wake up every weekday morning at 6:30 to exercise and pray, and at nine on the weekends. Where I'd have had a new boyfriend every time I went out, to try and fill the gaping whole inside me that only longed for the love of another, I know now I am the only one who can fill that gap, and it's by the Grace of God! And, where I once would have spent every last penny I had on clothes, shoes and accessories that I definitely didn't need, aren't comfortable, and maybe didn't even really like, forcing myself to go on a two-eggs-and-a-potato-a-day diet because I couldn't afford anything else by the end of the month, I now actually save money, and spend it to travel, learn, grow, take classes, study a third language, become certified in health practices, and support expensive-but-bio-brands. None of this would have been able to happen this way had I stayed put and ignored the call!

I am happier than I've ever been, more confident than I've ever been, growing and learning more than I ever have, and feel so much more satisfied than ever before! I'm making a substantially lower amount of money than I was working for Disney/ABC, I weigh a fair amount more than I did before, my bed is a single and I have to turn on the gas tank and light the fire every time I want to shower in hot water, and my closet is a fourth of the size of my old ones, but my costs of living are lower here, my quality of life much, much higher, and I feel great about myself! I have often wondered if I did the right thing by moving here, but the moment I try to really consider it well, and have the chance to doubt or regret it, I'm overcome with a, "Yeahhh, riiiight, like I regret this," thought/feeling.

My relationship with God was on the mend before I moved out here, but in college, it was nonexistent. I was too ashamed to talk to Him, and made excuses about why it would "be inappropriate to go to church in my condition." I was so far from myself, I couldn't even consider turning to Him, even though I knew He was what I needed and longed for. But since coming to Spain, my relationship with Him has continued to grow and strengthen, gain importance in my life, and become something that I value above all else. Especially in the last months, moving to yet another new place, and starting over once more. I now place God above all else, where before I just couldn't bring myself to put Him above my friends, family, self, and lifestyle. It's been one heck of a transition, but the results assure me it's the right thing to do. I've never felt better, and I've never been so comfortable with life or myself. And that, that is HUGE!

Which is why, when I opened my inbox today, and read K-Love's Encouraging Word of the Day, I was filled with what I know is His Presence, and felt so inspired to share a little of my story with you all. Because I believe every word of this verse, and have watched, seen, and felt it in my life.

"Indeed, I count

This verse holds so much truth to it, trust me, I've been there. I've been in the place of trying to fill myself with anything and everything, seeking satisfaction and worth in all the wrong places, and putting a higher value on all things but Christ -- all the insufficient and unimportant things. I couldn't believe more firmly that what I have traded isn't freedom, fun and a carefree existence for one in which there are guidelines, but instead, a life full of standards we succumb to, in exchange for one in which I am accepted and loved unconditionally just as I am, and given guidelines solely to protect me, nurture me, and enable me to live well and thrive. And that, to me, is real freedom!

If you are going through a hard time, know that I am here for you. I am not a certified psychologist, nor anyone qualified by scholastic means to give you guidance, but I love you, I care about you, and I believe in the natural good that is within you. If you feel lost, confused, addicted, or any other unsettling thing, know that it's temporary, and that while, right now, it might seem suffocating and like it's destroying you, all the strength you need is within you, and you are amazing enough to overcome it all. 
I was in such a terrible place before, worse because I tried to tell myself I was happy, and often believed it, even though now I see how untrue it was. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is our destiny to reach it. Please, don't allow yourself to be so caught up in all the worthless things we're made to think we need, and remember that everything we need is inside us already. You are magic, we are magic, we are humans on Earth and it's amazing!!! I hope you have an incredible, beautiful, and soul-satisfying day or night wherever you are! I love you so much, and so does He!

Blessings from Above, All of His Love, 
May His Light fill you,
Amen <3

Friday, December 12, 2014

An Alternative Reaction, A Conscious Response

It's funny, because when we're growing up, I think we often tend to think that we're more mature than our age, or at least, more mature than we think we should be/really are. I spent a lot of years thinking I was more mature than a lot of people my age, partly in due to the fact others told me so, and partly due to the fact it's nearly impossible for us to view ourselves as we really are. So when I felt like I was sooo mature, I was actually just living, breathing, and being a typical ____-year older. Which makes me feel like I shouldn't even be writing this post, since I know I'm not anywhere near as mature as I'll finish being, but, in lieu of certain current events, I definitely am aware of what maturity is really like, as well as what life is like when you're living in constant communication/reliance on Christ.

For example, my beauty and I just got finished being totally screwed over and played by someone I used to live with. I'm not going to get into details, but let's just say, he pulled a fast one on us, in truly professional style.

Now, I think that had this been some years ago, or, because I'm an incredibly varying person depending on the moment, perhaps even just a few days ago when I was in a really negative space, my reaction to this situation would have been very, very different than it has been. There would have been a time where I would have started stalking down different people he knows, trying to get angry and/or cryptic messages to him any way I could, searching the town high and low for the shop his mom owns to tell her what he's done and try to get her to pay for it or contact him, and saying all the right things to cause a worse hurt than the one that he's inflicted (hello, I'm a woman, we are experts at knowing exactly what to say to completely destroy a person on an emotional/mental level, generally surpassing, by far, the level of hurt originally inflicted by the other party involved). But right now, in the moment, instead I chose to pray.

I know I'm probably losing or have lost some of you by this point, but honestly, after I was able to collect myself and get my jaw to come up off the floor and close, I decided I needed to pray for his soul, and those of the brothers and sisters out there like him. This was/is my prayer:

I pray for all those {{ brothers && sisters }} who steal, the ones who cheat each other. The ones who struggle so much, the overflow falls on upon those that are around. I pray for the ones who lie, the ones that hurt because they're hurting, and the ones who think that short cuts and quick pay are the only way. I pray that they realize their worth, and learn the easy way, what the results of their actions are, instead of the hard. I pray they can escape the hustle and flow of taking what they can when they've got a chance, and aspire to consciously do more for themselves and our kind. I pray that they Be Blessed, in spite of it all. B/c the hardest ones to love, are those that need it most, and can come out shining the brightest.

I can promise you, if I didn't have all my cards stacked in God's favor, there's no way in Hades I'd be praying for this guy or any of the others out there like him to be blessed. I'd be throwing down swear words and trying to muster up some spells to send his way like the witch I sometimes pretended to be. If I didn't have full faith in God, and know that the only one who's really going to suffer is the one who does some unconscious, cruel thing against one of his brothers or sisters, this would be an entirely different ball game. And I'd be throwing fast pitches straight at some skulls.

It's still really hard for me to believe that this is what's happened, but I might be even more surprised by my honest desire for him to be blessed and feel love, and the sadness I feel for the situation as a whole. Agitation is underlying, but when I really think about it, that's not what I feel, and it's certainly not what I'm choosing to embrace or expel.

This is a lesson learned, and if the main thing I get out of it, is to love right on through the tough stuff, then you know what? It's not such a bad one! I know I am a good person, and I will continue to be one. And because I believe this, I know that only blessings and beauty can come in whatever it might be. I just wish that more people realized the good in them, and didn't succumb to the hopelessness that seems to surround and consume them.

Please, if you're out there are you think the only way to live is to hustle, or that since you've been doing it so long, there's no way to stop, get out, get "good," please, I beg you to know that's not true. The Lord loves you so much, no matter what you've done, and there's always time to turn back and make a change. Your true essence, our true essence, it's so beautiful, it's so pure, it's so wonderful, it's love. You're better than you know, and far, far better than you could imagine. I love you, and I hope God blesses you.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Pondering Thyself

I was in the middle of writing a fairly emo and depressed poem, when my mood changed so quickly, I just couldn't continue it. I felt and noticed how I went from being in such a deep state of mulling over, considering, and thinking, "How much longer can I go on // take," to dancing on my bed, singing out loud, and laughing at myself for how much fun I was having, and it has left me really wondering how and why this happens. Because, truth be told, it happens to me, perhaps every day.

I've known that I suffer from extremely noticeable (mostly to myself) highs and lows for some time now, and haven't often wondered about the sense behind them. But when it happens in the middle of writing a poem, walking down the street, doing any other seemingly unimportant task, then I wonder, "What flicks?" What has suddenly clicked and/or shifted within me to make me go from being on the point of quitting a job, to not really caring much about anything, because happiness is the only thing I feel? Have you ever experienced it and wondered about this before?

There could be any number of reasons why this sudden shift occurs within us, and I am going to keep studying myself like a science project till the day I die, undoubtedly drawing countless conclusions about anything that happens, but I guess I'd have to figure, for now, that it's because the attention/focus shifts. It goes from this place of dwelling on whatever it is that's causing this negative rush within us, to whatever we are doing, which probably, hopefully, isn't related to the former. And because we simply take our deepest thought processes off this unpleasant source, our true essence -- love, light, infinite, bright energy -- can shine through, take over, and conquer, leaving us in a relative state of bliss (especially in comparison to what we were feeling/thinking before)!

Whatever the heck is going on, I hope that these bursts keep on coming and taking over everything in me that wants to dwell and stay in the unhappy place I'm too often drifting into! I am definitely in one of the harder periods of time I've faced in a while, and I'm not going to lie, every single day, most moments, it's a struggle. The battle in my mind is raging on as if some nuclear bombs had just been dropped on my brain, and it's been hard as hell to fight back with positivity. So much so, that in more moments than I'd care to admit, I'm not. I'm succumbing too frequently to all this. And I know that denial of reality and emotions and etc isn't healthy or the way to do it, but neither is entertaining them like some long-awaited, cheerfully invited guests. I'm working on finding the balance, and regaining my ground against these matters. I can only stock my artillery with reminders of the blessings I see and receive, and try my darnedest to focus on the good that is present in all situations.

That said, please do pray for me, meditate good energy my way, activate anything good in you, and wish it my way, if you please. I'd appreciate some extra strength being sent my way, and am sending it right back to you, too! We're all Earthlings, and we're here to support each other. When any of my brothers or sisters needs a boost, that's what I'd like to provide. And now, I'm the sister who needs a boost. I need to restrengthen my mind, so I can overcome these thoughts and feelings that keep sinking their teeth into me. So please, pray. :)

We're all in this together 
On this together 
And if we can't depend on one another, 
Then why do we keep making more of ourselves!? 

I love you brothers and sisters, Earth and Motherverse, Heavenly Father, and every creature that calls this place hOMe! I hope that you are having a very Happy Humpday, and can be strong enough to know that persistence is the key to all in this life!
Send blessings to others, and you too shall receive them!

Insane Blessings, Love & Light to you all!

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


I have nearly 50 blog posts that are partially finished and saved as drafts, or finished, but are quite up-front, and I'm not sure if it's acceptable to share them. (Something I will probably do after I'm no longer working as an educator.) And every once in a while, I look through some of them, delete some, update some, or just re-save it thinking, "I'll deal with that one later," where it ends up staying for endless months more. That's what I was in the middle of doing, when I came upon this post, that struck quite the chord within me. It was written on July 31, 2012, while I was working in a cubicle 40 hours a week at the coveted Disney/ABC Television Group. I'll let it speak for itself.

Why is it so unacceptable to just be a gypsy? Would it really be that bad if I quit my job, packed up a bag with what I could, and became a traveler? A life full of adventures and mystery is sure to be more satisfying and rewarding than a life in a box. Never knowing who or what is around the next turn can be scary, but it's usually the scariest things in life that prove to have the most worth. Not knowing where my next meal might come from would be a bit frightening considering that I love to eat so much, but even that is a minimal issue in retrospect. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake the feeling that I am meant to do more than I am right now, and I shouldn't keep waiting just so I can put in my time and gain more security for the future. I know that thinking in the long-term is the best way to plan and live, but I've never fallen into the category of "normal," I don't even believe there is a such thing. With so many different kinds of people, how could there be? I don't know, maybe I just feel like I know I can do more with this life, and I'm not maximizing my potential or being pushed.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Internal Turmoil

Written November 27, 2014

I try to be as positive as possible in most situations, push away the negative thoughts and feelings, and try to find the light in all. I trust and know that everything happens for a reason, and that truly, in every situation, no matter how ugly it might seem, there's a blessing to be found. And I normally try not to write about anything "negative" that's happening, because I don't want to give it more energy and strength. But, I think it's a little fake to only put out the pretty, and every once in a while, I've gotta let the struggle out. And right now, I'm reflecting on the work week that's about to come to an end, and I'm not afraid to say, "This week has been a really hard week for me."

On the one hand, there have been so, so many big, obvious blessings delivered to me. But on the other hand, and in spite of it all, I've had a couple days where I was feeling so passionless and unmotivated. I found out both my jobs end in May, meaning I can go travel with my grandma, mom and sister/take the month of June to travel, and still move home right after my Kinesiology course finishes in July. Which is cool, because I've been struggling a little bit with wanting to do a final trip for a few weeks (month) when the year ends, but also feeling like I should just get home and be with my grandma. Now, because of this blessing, I don't have to make a decision! And, I found out that the gal who's taking over the academy classes I was supposed to, is going to start them sooner than expected, meaning that I will not be as crazy-stressed-&-stretched-too-thin as I've been waiting to be! Yay and praise God on both counts!

So how could I possibly be feeling unmotivated and like I'm leading a life without passion in the midst of all these amazing revealings? (Input welcome.)

Perhaps, it's because what goes up must come down. But I generally choose to refute that when it comes to my emotional state. :) Perhaps it's because I got overly-stressed with everything I'm trying to do/doing. But I was definitely working more hours last year, and didn't feel as crazy. It could be any number of things, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination.

I'm choosing to believe that it's
1.) Because I've figured out what I want to do with my life, and it's causing me to feel overwhelmed at how much I think I might have to do to get where I want to be, as well as a little anxious/ready to just get on with it. Since I'm quite a passionate person, it's difficult for me to know I'm dedicating so much time and energy to something that isn't my primary source of passion.
2.) Because I've gotten quite tired, and when I get tired, I make unhealthy eating choices, etc, etc, etc, I am not loving myself, therefore I cannot love others, and every one of my students becomes the enemy.
3.) I'm a bit tired of giving so much of my time and energy to people who sit without appreciation, making fun of everything and everyone, and just generally being unmotivated about many things that involve much personal depth. As well as tired of the personal conflict I feel in contributing to the school system, when it's not exactly a system or a way that I support and/or believe in.

In any case, I had some really tough days, and decided to let it out on the page. I've got all my faith placed in the hands of God, and am choosing to now, more than before, say the "negative" things with confidence, trusting He'll take care of me no matter what!

I hope that your weeks have been bright, and your spirits high, after all, it's the season to smile! 

Blessings, Love & Light to all you lovely freaks and fairies out there!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

When Heaven Sends Surprises

There's this weird thing that always happens to me when I'm taking back the control of my thoughts and my life, reclaiming them, and redirecting them in a positive direction. As soon as I decide it's time to become living and breathing gratitude, and only choose to embrace and entertain the positive side of things, little blessings boldly become present in my life. And lately, I've been focusing my energy on my relationship with Christ, and since deciding to dedicate my life to being His Beacon of Love and Light, making my life something the glorifies God, and being determined to have Him as the foundation in everything I do, my "powers of manifestation" have increased ten-fold (my prayers are being answered at an insanely rapid pace, one I can barely fathom)!

For example, the other teacher at the academy where I teach is pregnant, and it's been known since before the year started that I would take over her classes when she took maternity leave. These classes are on Wednesday and Friday afternoons/evenings, which would mean I'd be in the high school Tuesday-Friday in the mornings/early afternoons, and then in the academy Tuesday-Friday afternoons/evenings. I'd have to cut my private lesson, and I'd lose my Friday afternoons. Originally, it was what I wanted. But I originally thought I was going to be leaving for Asia with a backpack on after this year, and wanted to work as much as possible so I could save for the adventure. Well, since I changed my mind and decided to move home, I don't necessarily need to save as much money. Also, about this same time, I started to realize how stressed out and over-worked I was becoming. So, I decided that it wouldn't be very wise for me to add 5-6 more hours of teaching to my load, and told my boss it would be best if he could find someone else to do it. The very next week he told me he was pretty sure he had found someone who could/would do it starting in January!

^Update (26/11/2014): I'm supposed to start the classes today, and I was talking to the teacher, and she said Paula, the girl who's going to take over (meaning that since I spoke to my boss yesterday, she's confirmed she will do them!), and that she might even be able to do the December days!!!! Now THAT is quick! I was praying about it all day yesterday, returning my trust to Him, and now, Shaaa-Bammm! AwesomeSauce

Next example, since I know these are my final [seven] months living in Europe, I've started to make some lists of the places I want to be sure I go before I leave. Istanbul has become one of my top priorities, and I've been focusing a lot of my energy on it. This week, I've been emailing with my grandma, and she was asking me when I finish work, because she has an idea. She, my mom and my sister are going to be taking a trip in June to Israel, but before they go to Israel, they're going to.... wait for it..... ISTANBUL, and she asked if the dates they're going I could meet them there. And, perfectly, by the grace of God, I will have finished working in the high school by then, leaving me with only classes on Tuesday/Thursday afternoons/evenings, meaning not only will I get to go to Istanbul for a Friday-Monday trip, but that I will get to meet up with my family here in Europe, something I've been dying to do since my parents were here last September!! Incredible! And literally, an instant response rate! Less than one week ago I wrote a list of my top spots to hit, as well as put a post-it on my desktop!

Another thing, I've been incredibly adamant about looking on the bright side of things, but tomorrow in my schedule at the high school, I have first period (8:15-9:15), third period (10:15-11:15), and fifth period (12:45-13:45). It's not really ideal, because it's every-other-hour, meaning I have two semi-awkward breaks in between classes. Not to mention that I'm talking about Thanksgiving, and doing the exact same presentation three times in one morning doesn't really get a girl too excited. But, I was channeling gratitude and joy just the same. Well, moments ago, the coordinator for the auxiliary program writes me to tell me I don't have to go to first period, because the group has a field trip!! Whhaaa!! Awesome! So now, not only do I not have to do the same presentation three times tomorrow (the same one I did already once today), but I don't even start till 10:15!!

One last "coincidence" (a concept I don't believe in at all, by the way)... last week, when I was writing out my lesson plans for this week, for some reason, I didn't write anything in the boxes I usually use for the private class I have on Mondays and Wednesdays. Why? Who knows. But, yesterday, I was talking to my student about what time we were going to have class, and he decided that it would be better if we waited till December to restart the classes. (((!!!!!!Whhhaattt!?!?!?!)))

So for all of you out there that think this manifest destiny stuff is a crock-of-crap, I suggest rethinking it! I can't even tell you how many things like this have happened to me in the last couple months, nor how many have happened every time I decide to stop being lazy with the thoughts I entertain! It's the real deal, man, and it's pretttyyy sweeeet! Give it a shot, and let me know what freaky-cool things come to pass in your life!

I lovelovelovelovelove you! You're magic, don't ever forget it! Made from start dust and sand? Couldn't be any cooler if you tried! Big kisses and hugs to all my sisters and brothers from above!

Blessings, Love & Light Beauties 

Saturday, November 22, 2014

A Little Lesson

Such a blessed thing and a beautiful lesson....

One day while we were at the stables after riding, the 9-year old grandson of the man with the horses, dropped his muffin wrapper on the ground. I immediately said, "Noooo. No, no, no." And told him to throw it in the trash. Then I went on to tell him that we have to take care of the Earth, she's our Mother, and we live here, so we have to take care of her. Especially with all the animals around at the farm, plastic on the ground is bad, because the chickens can eat it and die. He listened, started to make some half-way developed excuses, stopped, and then started a new conversation when I was finished preaching.

Well, yesterday a friend came by, the same one I go riding with, and he said that Adrian (the boy) was telling his grandpa how he still thinks about and remembers what I told him about taking care of the Earth and not throwing trash on the ground. !!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even think that he would listen and hold onto what I'd said, let alone repeat it back out to people weeks later!

Sometimes, the things you tell another person can fall flat on the floor, but when they stick, they stick for good, and can impact and change their entire life and way of living. And sometime, we may be speaking with the hope that someone's listening, and it turns out they're soaking up every word! It's not just a lesson in passing on bits of wisdom and teaching lessons, but a lesson in teaching the right ones, with the right words, and the right emotions/energy. Everything we say has an impact, so speak words of kindness, support, love, and encouragement, and keep the mental plain a positive place!

I love you all, I hope you change someone's life today and share some light! <3

Listen to Your Heart

I don't know how many of you can even read that title without Roxette's song playing through your head... 

Or probably more accurately, since a lot of us are born and bred in the EDM culture and/or younger generations, DHT and Edmee's slow or techno versions. (Did anyone else DL both versions and get sad when the slow version started to play instead of the EDM remix???)

Pick the version you like best, jam out to it, feel it, dance!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's get on with it! Although, that insanely psychedelic image right about my text is making it pretty hard to concentrate/type.. (((((((whoooaaaa triiiipppyyyyyy))))))) Ok, I'm back, I'm getting serious..kinda. ;-D

When I left the USA at 23 to move to Spain, my mom and I talked about how long I thought I would live this way (abroad, traveling, semi-unstable, gypsy, backpack, always moving to a new place, etc). She said that she thought it would be a good idea for me to think a little bit about how long I was going to be gypsy-ing around, and I told her that yeah, I was thinking that about by the time I'm 30, I'd like to know a city/country that I could see myself settling in for 5 or more years, perhaps have found a man, and be in the process of putting down roots and starting that chapter of my life. She admitted she'd been thinking 30 as well, and we left it at that. 

Fast-forward to 2014, now I'm 25, and instead of thinking that by the time I'm 30 I could have found the place I'll call home for more than 2-3 years, I'm thinking I need more years that I can magically slip in between now and the time I'm 30, so I can do all the things I keep learning about/realizing I want to do! I think, if I calculate time periods roughly, with all the things I want to do, places I want to live/travel, adventures I want to take/have, I am up to about 30 1/2 or 31-years old. Not bad. 

When I was home this summer, it felt so amazing to be with my family and friends, get a good dose of California culture, and just be there. I came back to Europe, feeling fairly certain that home was where I was supposed to be. I just had a feeling that I needed to be home. I saw all my grandparents, and they're all aging, I saw my sister and cousins and how they're growing, and my dad in serious need of help with this company we're trying to get started, and was pretty sure that was where I was supposed to be. I didn't want to be mostly gone for the next five years and miss out on all that was going to happen in my family. I couldn't imagine missing that much of everyone's lives. But I also couldn't move back. No way.

Moving back meant that I would have to cut my travels, look for a job/start a career, and start watering those home roots once more. I felt like deciding to move home would mean that I was giving up my dreams of backpacking around most of the world, and I wasn't sure I could handle that knowledge later in life. So, I pushed the thought aside, and just tried to focus on Being Present.

I traveled for another two months, going to Portugal, Norway, Holland, Belgium, and France. The amount of adventure-ing that I did in that time made me so sure that I wanted little else than to be traveling around, and the thought of going home got pressed down deeper within me. But after the summer ended and I got newly settled in a new town and new jobs, I started to go back in to those deep, inner places where we tend to store things till we take time to delve back into them. So I'm sitting on my bed, this must have been three or four weeks ago now, and I've just finished looking at/sorting through some pictures. Well, some few thousand pictures, all taken in the year and a half before I moved to Spain. Feeling some heavy feelings of, "Man, I miss those faces and places and good times."

Here I was, in Spain, amazing, beloved Spain, where I'd chosen to stay. I'm living in a beautiful town, surrounded by nice people, working well, and I said to myself, "What do I want? What do I really want?" Until that point, I was 100% sure I'd be in Asia with a backpack on by Fall of 2015. I'd told everyone I knew and met that that was the next adventure -- The Adventure that Never Ends. I had a route in mind (Asia--Australia--New Zealand--South America--Central America--Pit stop in Cali to say what's up to the fam before heading back out, likely to Africa for a year or India for six months). I was excited about this adventure, I knew I wanted this adventure, it was why I'd said yes to four different jobs, and decided to make this year a full sacrifice. Work, save, backpack. That was my arrangement with myself. But in that moment, before the question could finish leaving my lips, it came over me so, so clearly, calmly, comfortably, and sensibly, "I want to go home... I think what I really want is to go home." Whoa.

And then, it was like this huge realization had come to me, and I started to see and think, "Yes! Yes! That's it! That's what I want! I want to go home, and be with my family and the friends and faces I've loved the longest." It was too clear to deny it, just like when I found out I was accepted to come assist in Spain. So I embraced the thought of going home, and comforted myself with something that, for some reason, was new information: I can always leave again.

So my darlings, my brothers and sisters, my other halves, in July of 2015, this wanderer is going to wander her way back home! 

Dance Break!
But yeah, LL, I think soooo!

I'm going to live with my parents and grandma who will be living with them by that time, and I'm "planning" on staying 4-6 months. Then, sometime in January or February of 2016, I'll pack up my pack, and hop on a plane to Asia or South America, and resume my intended route! I'm going to be working as my grandma's caregiver, which is amazing, because it's all I do [want to do] when I'm home anyways -- drive her around and pretend to be retired with her -- and I can be there to help my dad, help my aunt and uncle, strengthen the bond between my cousins, sister and I, and just be there for people who have always been there for me. And my gossshh, I can't express how excited I am to rekindle the fire that burns between my friends and I back home! I've met too many amazing people to count since leaving, but it's definitely time to get down with my hometown, homegrown, Cali loves!

Since making the decision to move home, I have been elated! A friend of mine even told me yesterday that he was happy I made the choice to go home, that he thought it was the right choice, because over the summer, while I was living in bliss, it also seemed like I "missed my dudes back home." I know without a doubt I'm making the right choice, and everything in my life, all the instantly answered prayers, and manifestations that are being delivered at lightning speed, are a confirmation of that. It does make it hard to stay though, knowing that I'll be home in just under a month for the holidays, I just want to pack up everything and make it The Big Move Back already! But, it's also pretty cool, because once I get my visa, I'll be able to travel/fly again, and I'll have 6-7 more months to travel around Europe and Spain! 

It's amazing how life works out when we're listening to our hearts!

Our hearts are such a critical part of us, for so many [obvious] reasons, but for so many that we don't even give it credit for. It is our guide, it is designed to tell us what we want, where we should go, who we should pursue, and everything in between. Our minds are a mess most of the time, so if we went with every thought we thought, we'd be in some pretty weird and wild ways. But the heart, no, no, trust that, listen to that, take time to be silent, breath deep, and let it speak to you. I've been following my heart for the last 2-3 years, and I can tell you, I've not once regretted it! And all the times I chose to silence it and instead follow anything else, I've known it would have been "better" the other way around. 

In short, "Listen to your heart, when He's calling for you." It's as close to a direct connection to the Holy Spirit as we're going to get in this physical form. Don't deny it it's ability to lead you in the right direction. It's designed to make you thrive and feel alive, let it do it's thing, just like we let our lungs and digestive systems do theirs. :)

I love you all so much, I can barely handle it! I wish I could just line you all up and hug you all one-by-one. Imagine I'm doing so, feel the love, the light, the healing, the comfort, the acceptance, the enchantment. Take it all in, breath it in deep, get high on these fumes of good feelings, and pass them along as much as you can! YAY LIFE!

Forever and Ever, Endless Blessings, Love & Light

Your Sister in Christ

Friday, November 21, 2014

New Place, New People, New Patience

When the time came last year to decide what I wanted to do/where I wanted to go, I decided, after much internal debate, that I wanted to stay in Sevilla, but change from assisting in a high school, to assisting in a primary school. So, in great detail I put in my request and reasons, sent it off, and waited to find out what/where they would say.

A high school in a town an hour from Sevilla.


I'll admit, it was about as far from what I wanted that you could get, but I tried to be positive about it, and just focus on the fact that there was certainly a reason why God had decided to send me to this place that everyone called "La Sarten" (the frying pan). Literally, every single person I spoke to that learned I was placed in Ecija said, "You know what we call it, right? ....La Sarten." It was that or, "That's the hottest place in Andalucia!" (Making it the hottest place in Spain, since Andalucia is the hottest region of the country.) By the 10th, 15th, 20th person, I just said, "Yes, La Sarten." No emotion. 

All of the commentary from other people made it hard for me to be excited, because no one said anything about it other than that it was hot as hell! So I decided to take matters into my own hands (Google's). I looked it up, and saw that it actually looked quite beautiful and impressive -- loaded with towers, churches, and some landscape that wasn't half bad. But just to be sure, I had to do the Energy Test.

The Energy Test simply implies feeling out the energy of something/someone, and then allowing that to help whatever decision you might be in the midst of. I took a bus, went, walked, felt, and imagined myself living there for nine months. I kept asking myself, "Could I live here for nine months?" There were a lot of, "What would I do here for nine months?" moments, and also some, "I can't believe I'll be leaving Sevilla for this," thoughts, as well as the prominent, "If this was under any other circumstances, and I was just here for a weekend to explore, I'd be commenting on how charming it is and how amazing it would be to live here for some months." I just couldn't get past the sadness of leaving Sevilla, or the facts that I'd crossed the whole town on foot in 20 minutes and only encountered one park that did lack a bit of grass for sitting on (not to mention it's literally in the middle of a bunch of agriculture fields, which in early June were all very brown). 

Ecija has a bit more than 40,000 inhabitants, and I think I heard someone say 16 towers. It's next to a small river, it's a really historic place, and truly, a beautiful one. Oh yeah, and it's been my home for the last two months (almost). 

It's definitely been an up-and-down ride for me here, since I love Sevilla so, so, so, sooo much, but I've gotta admit, I love being able to walk from my house to either of my jobs in 3-7 minutes. That and being able to get anywhere in less than 15/not need a car or bike (especially good since mine was stolen). I now understand the draw to living in the city center! And, since it's a small town, people are pretty nice here. Most of us say hi to each other when we're walking down the street, and in my first week, two elderly women initiated conversations with me without me doing anything! (Old Spanish ladies are known for/can be known for being a bit, hmm, how do I say this... observant and judgmental (((human)))? Mostly in respects to outsiders, young people, and unfamiliar things. All of which I encompass.)

All in all, it's been a good experience so far. I'd always said I wanted to live in a town for some months, and yes, I'd been thinking 3-4 months living in a mountain or beach town, but hey, God delivered on the town part anyways! And truly, if the rest of this school year goes by as quickly as the last almost two months have gone, I'm not going to have any opportunity to think, "What the heck am I going to do here for ____ months?" Also, it's insanely easy to get to Sevilla and Cordoba, both amazingly beautiful cities, and that makes it easy for me to leave and travel for the weekend. As it is, I haven't spent more than three or four weekends here since I moved. Life is going at a crazy pace, one that yes, I set, but man, it's f l y i n g ! But really, it's good. I'm learning a lot, loving a ton, and just trying to sleep enough to keep up with everything I've got going on!

Between three jobs, Italian classes twice a week, horseback riding every once in a while, an Integrated Kinesiology class in Sevilla about once a month, a banjo waiting to be learned/played, and all the bureaucratic stuff I've been dealing with, I definitely am maxing out my last months living in Spain! It's a wild time to be alive -- changes are happening all around, in all our lives, and so many opportunities to practice, learn, and apply patience. All about finding the balance in working, relaxing, and devoting enough time to serve God, help others, and enhance myself. (Which if the first two are in order, then the rest lines right up without effort!)

I hope that whatever is going on in your life, you can find time to take to be with yourself, love yourself, and breath deeply and sweetly in this beautiful world that we're blessed to be living in! Sending you endless hugs that are therapeutically long, and wishing you the best weekend!

For your viewing pleasure, here are some pictures of my beautiful, current home...

Blessings, Love & Light my magical brothers & sisters

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


A lot of things have been seeming to go wrong, but at the same time, so much has been going so right. And I just had a really intense metaphysical moment, and actually got pissed off. So when you read this, envision it as a little bit of a slam, and don't hold back any of your emotion either. Because I'm pretty confident that most, if not all of us can relate.

For the last 3-4 weeks, I've been having some troubles with my debit cards and accessing my money. It's caused some really uneasy feelings in me, the same ones that always arise when I'm having money trouble or a hard time getting to my money/am in a situation where I feel I don't have enough on me. And it's making me think just how big a source of stress money is, even though I've got it. So if it causes this much inner tension and bad attitude in me because I feel a little helpless, someone who actually can afford to live, I can't even begin to fathom the stress most people are under when they can't afford clean water or proper food or medicine for any part of their families. My gosh, it makes me sick, and so ashamed of how I've been sitting here feeling!

How is it possible that we've allowed our society to come to this? This place, where we are so dependent on money and it's buying power, that we have forgotten that all we need is inside of us, and we shouldn't let lack of money or financial troubles throw us completely off. Yet, we do. Yet, we are. Yet, we have.

It is a very, very sad truth that in our "first world, advanced, western society," 
"Money Is Power!" 

They slam it down our throats from the moment we're born, showing us endless commercials of what we need and want, always in order to be happy, look better, feel better, be better. They make us feel inadequate and weak if we don't have the latest this or the most expensive that. And they make us very, very aware of the fact that we cannot really participate in their society if we don't have enough paper in the pocket. And it's disgusting, because it's just that: paper. And especially those who are on the dollar, it's value-less paper. Even better.

It's perfect that we let ourselves become slaves to this slip that has no value. It's amazing how we kill over these printed pieces. It's mind-blowing how happiness and status have somehow become synonymous with what you do, drive, and have in your accounts. And it's out of control the lengths we go to and the sacrifices we make, just so we can earn enough to get us to the next check. And credit cards? Oh yeah, you must be a major player then if you've got one of those! Platnium? Gold? Black? Oh my gosh, you must be the King of the Earth with those words surrounding your name! Congratulations, you have conquered.


So we can go on buying things that don't really make us happy, don't really make us better, and definitely don't contribute to a better quality of life? So we can contribute to the spending society, and be so busy being caught up on the latest iPhone, Audi, system, size, and symbol, that we forget to contribute to the Universal Society of Being [happy]?

As soon as I felt how my entire Being shifted entirely and completely simply because I am couchsurfing at someone's house I have to leave tomorrow and have no apartment yet, but need one, and need to get and pay for one, but only have 20 euros in cash, another 20 in my account, and money in a place I can't access from here because I only have a temporary, 30-day debit card attached to it that expired at least 60 days ago, and clearly I'm out of the country, so it makes it a little bit more complicated to sort, I became so angry at myself and the way I was letting this affect me. Because I know that it's all going to work out. I know that it's all going to be perfectly fine. I know there's absolutely no reason to permit this tension to rise inside me and hang out in my chest. Because it's always fine, and it always works out, and the tension is always useless.

And then, after realizing all of this, and reminding myself to breath deeply, because I was being a completely faithless little fool, I became so angry at money, and so overwhelmed by what it does to us, what it's done to us. And I became so embarrassed that, in the middle of all these insane blessings that are being dumped on me -- finding out on the very last day, that there is one spot that opened up in the Integrated Kinesiology course I really, really wanted to take in Sevilla this year, meaning I can start studying things that I want to apply to my future, practices I want to practice for the rest of my life, things that will fulfill me and help others in a natural, pure way; or pulling out my "Play Banjo" DVD out so I can start learning to play a beautiful instrument that was gifted to me by such an incredible human, and use a-whole-nother bit of my brain, aiding me in expanding and entering the next level of living and Being; or being offered a place to stay, even though family members start coming for the wedding tomorrow, but I'm still here; or uploading all the hundreds of pictures I've taken over the last three months, spread out in seven countries, that are filled with love and smiling faces and new sights, all reminders of all the blessings I've received this summer -- I could even have the capacity to be stressed or ungrateful.

How shameful. How sad.

But I refuse to give in, give up, and let all this get me down.
Because I am aware. I am conscious. And I am fully and consciously aware that I. want. more!
I want more than a life dependent on other people paying me! I want more than an existence that is reliant on energy grids and government supplements! And I want more than to play along with it all and act like it's ok, because the space inside my head is pretty and positive! No, that's no longer enough! It's time to activate!

So I hereby vow, to do all that I possibly can, to support local farmers, local businesses, and be an economic and environmental spender. Because as long as I live in a society where my money is my power, I want to invest it well, in companies who are looking out for the planet and all her inhabitants. I vow to research and learn what I can, so that I can work towards an independent existence, and one that contributes to improving the quality of life for all Beings, energetically and physically. And I promise, to continue these conscious practices, so I can never again get so worked up over money, that I write some twisted remix version of slam poetry. Because I know better than to give energy to what I don't want. So here and now, I will tell you what I do:

Equality for all Beings! Clean drinking water for all! Good, healthy, organic food for all! Natural healing and organic medicine for all! A sense of contentment for all! Knowledge that YOU ARE LOVE, for all! To remind all of us, that we are stronger than they want us to think, and far more powerful than our bank accounts might tell us we are and the mirror might make us feel! That we are one, we are a unite, and while our hearts may beat inside each of our own chests, they beat together, as one, creating a Universal Heartbeat (and that sh-- is powerful)! We are the Source, and the Source is Us! And it's our world, our lives, so let's live them joyfully, and not sacrifice our eternal happiness for the sake of filling someone else's pockets! 

We band together, 
and we stand as one! 
Because we are all connected, 
and that can never be undone!