Friday, December 19, 2014

Morning Plunder: Why Do I Start to Hold Back?

I have no idea what I was doing/thinking about, but I was suddenly overcome by a realization about myself. Ok, well, it's not exactly new information to cross my mental plains, but the association that came along with it was new..

I've known for quite some time now, that I tend to be incredibly open, expressive, and free with people, namely with strangers. But there comes a point in the relationship that I start to close myself off a bit and turn inward. I stop being so open and expressive, and start to, essentially, hide a little. Or at least, be more selective with that which I release.

The first example that comes to mind is dancing and my spiritual expression [at festivals]. I am a crazy, expressive, free-spirited dancer and meditate-er/pray-er. I will be one of the wildest people on the dance floor, just letting the music take my spirit where it wants, resulting in my body just going insane. Then sometimes, I'll suddenly stop, put my hands in an open, upward facing position, close my eyes, and sway softly, as I pray and mediate, absorbing all the good energy around me. I love it, dancing and praying are my favorite forms of therapy and expression.

So I was doing just that when I met my ex a few years ago at a festival. No big deal, didn't even care I was with some friends and surrounded by lots of good-looking strangers. It wasn't going to inhibit me. Instead, it actually kind of fueled me and made me go even crazier. But then, after dating my ex for half a year or so, I started to dance less freely. We'd go out to see some DJ and dance, and I'd feel kinda weird being so crazy, so I'd hold back a little. It always happens/happened with people (friends or guys) where I knew there was the chance that the relationship would advance. And especially in church. My gosh! I've been going to the same one since I was like eight years old! Why, in one of the places I should be the most expressive since I'm there to worship God, and I'm around people who have watched me grow up (meaning they've seen me in all my ridiculous phases of life, from goth to prep, jock to ghetto), am I so uncomfortable putting my arms in the air and dancing/singing my heart out? Why is that? Why is all this?

It's like, to a certain point, I don't care where I am or who's around, I'll be me, but then a time comes, after someone really knows me better/is getting to know me better, that I don't feel so free to be me. 

Strange, right?

So what I realized this morning, is that, I think I am very open at first, because I love myself, and I know that I almost always get positive reactions from people when I meet them, so I am confident in meeting new people. But for some reason, due to any number of things that have influenced me growing up, I am not confident with myself at a deeper level, and therefore I hold back. (I have also noticed this when I meet a guy I'm attracted to. It's like, I think there could be potential for something more, so I hold back a little bit because I think that what I am and have to offer, he might not like.) Alone, yes, I'd say I'm incredibly in love with my weirdness and self. I have a blast alone, but there are definitely some things I perceive as negative/detrimental, and do not love about myself. But apparently, when I have to put myself around others more than X number of times, that confidence takes flight and I shutdown the release valve. (Something to explore more: my past.)

The result of all this is a person who is very up-front in the beginning, allowing people to see exactly who and what I am when they meet me and are getting to know me, but someone who isn't emotionally confident enough to allow people to get any further than where I let them. I don't know if my best friends have ever really seen me cry, express my need for help, or be vulnerable. People I lived with for years likely have never seen me breakdown; I don't even cry that much in front of my family. I think that's pretty weird.

Recently I realized that I have an incredibly intense and strange relationship with the words 'stupid' and 'idiot', and that if, at any time, someone says something that makes me think/feel like they think I'm stupid or are trying to imply it, I get incredibly tense, angry, and defensive.

My best friend and I were talking, and I told him that sometimes I get the feeling he thinks I'm stupid, and he said that yeah, sometimes he does. I actually had to leave the room because I was so offended and mad. And the same thing happened with someone else I'm pretty close to, and love very much. He said something that made me feel like he was implying I'm not intelligent, and I was considering stopping communication with him. Why, why, why? Why were these my reactions?

I have developed some pretty good conclusions as to why, but it's incredibly personal, and I don't think it would be very appropriate to share them on a public blog. But, I have determined some sources, and it definitely is related to certain things that were part of my growing up experience. I'll leave it at that.

So how is this related to me dancing like crazy, then holding back? Me being insanely and strangely open with people, then later closing up? What's the connection?

Well, I think it's because I think that people will judge me and not like me if they really get to know what's going on on my deeper levels. Why? Maybe because I don't like it all. Maybe because I am just as judgmental and critical as the next person, and those are qualities I try to smother and not allow to surface. Maybe because I am worried that they will tire of me, think it's all some act, that I'm fake, and realize that everything isn't as pretty and positive as it seems at first. I think that, because people I've been closest to over the year have caused these mental associations and hurt me, I think everyone will.

I'm always surprised by my long[er] relationships with guys... I often think that they are going to keep getting to know me, see every weird part of my personality, and then decide I'm not what they want or thought I was at first. Instead, it's quite the opposite. So why do I still have this "problem"? It's ridiculous. If I am being the real me when people meet me, and they like me, why would that change as they keep getting to know the real me? And what's more, why would they stop liking me for certain traits and tendencies I have that they experienced upon meeting me? I mean, I'm insane! I'm insane! O_o

It's been really interesting to realize things from my childhood that have influenced and affected me as a young adult, and this is all just part of that. So now, the question becomes, can it be overcome? Can I learn to trust in myself enough that I trust others won't decide later on in the journey that I'm not longer someone they want to travel with? Man, I hope so, or it's going to be a fairly short and lonely ride! I don't want my life to be full of incredible short-term moments and memories. I want to have some connections that I maintain my entire life, people I know forever. I know I've got some, but even with them, I still keep some facets of myself, to myself. How can I learn to fully open up and share it all? Can I?

I guess we'll just have to keep living and trying, and find out!

So these are some thoughts and mentally-exploratory processes of my morning. :)

Today, I begin my three-day journey back to California for the holidays! I have to take the bus tonight from Ecija to Cordoba, and then tomorrow morning, I'll take the bus from Cordoba to the Malaga airport. There weren't blablacar's that worked with my luggage or time requirements, nor does the morning bus to Cordoba from here get me there in time to catch the one that goes to the airport, which is why my already two-day journey has become a three-day-er. Then tomorrow, I fly from Malaga to Munich, where I have 22 hours. Intentionally booked that way, so I can sneak in a trip to a city I've never seen, on my way home! Hehe. And on Sunday, the final 12-hour leg of the trip: a flight to San Francisco! My bags are packed, have been all week, and I am readddyyy to get to Cali!! Bring on the holidazeee!

Have a happy holiday season beauties, and try not to hide yourself like I tend to do! Life is more open with us when we're more open with it, and it's no secret that we can't be loved and accepted by others if we aren't loved and accepted first by ourselves! Give it a shot with me! Let's go into 2015 as open and accepting as we can be, and see what happens in the next year! We can revisit this moment in time in one year, and talk about the changes we've experienced. It'll be awesome!

And if no one else tells you this today, I love you, and so does God. So there, you've already got two major lovers on your team, passing that light to you! :)

And of course, as always,
Big Blessings, Love & Light to all fellow creatures on Earth and in the wild, wonderful MotherVerse

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