Monday, December 1, 2014

Internal Turmoil

Written November 27, 2014

I try to be as positive as possible in most situations, push away the negative thoughts and feelings, and try to find the light in all. I trust and know that everything happens for a reason, and that truly, in every situation, no matter how ugly it might seem, there's a blessing to be found. And I normally try not to write about anything "negative" that's happening, because I don't want to give it more energy and strength. But, I think it's a little fake to only put out the pretty, and every once in a while, I've gotta let the struggle out. And right now, I'm reflecting on the work week that's about to come to an end, and I'm not afraid to say, "This week has been a really hard week for me."

On the one hand, there have been so, so many big, obvious blessings delivered to me. But on the other hand, and in spite of it all, I've had a couple days where I was feeling so passionless and unmotivated. I found out both my jobs end in May, meaning I can go travel with my grandma, mom and sister/take the month of June to travel, and still move home right after my Kinesiology course finishes in July. Which is cool, because I've been struggling a little bit with wanting to do a final trip for a few weeks (month) when the year ends, but also feeling like I should just get home and be with my grandma. Now, because of this blessing, I don't have to make a decision! And, I found out that the gal who's taking over the academy classes I was supposed to, is going to start them sooner than expected, meaning that I will not be as crazy-stressed-&-stretched-too-thin as I've been waiting to be! Yay and praise God on both counts!

So how could I possibly be feeling unmotivated and like I'm leading a life without passion in the midst of all these amazing revealings? (Input welcome.)

Perhaps, it's because what goes up must come down. But I generally choose to refute that when it comes to my emotional state. :) Perhaps it's because I got overly-stressed with everything I'm trying to do/doing. But I was definitely working more hours last year, and didn't feel as crazy. It could be any number of things, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination.

I'm choosing to believe that it's
1.) Because I've figured out what I want to do with my life, and it's causing me to feel overwhelmed at how much I think I might have to do to get where I want to be, as well as a little anxious/ready to just get on with it. Since I'm quite a passionate person, it's difficult for me to know I'm dedicating so much time and energy to something that isn't my primary source of passion.
2.) Because I've gotten quite tired, and when I get tired, I make unhealthy eating choices, etc, etc, etc, I am not loving myself, therefore I cannot love others, and every one of my students becomes the enemy.
3.) I'm a bit tired of giving so much of my time and energy to people who sit without appreciation, making fun of everything and everyone, and just generally being unmotivated about many things that involve much personal depth. As well as tired of the personal conflict I feel in contributing to the school system, when it's not exactly a system or a way that I support and/or believe in.

In any case, I had some really tough days, and decided to let it out on the page. I've got all my faith placed in the hands of God, and am choosing to now, more than before, say the "negative" things with confidence, trusting He'll take care of me no matter what!

I hope that your weeks have been bright, and your spirits high, after all, it's the season to smile! 

Blessings, Love & Light to all you lovely freaks and fairies out there!

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