It's funny, because when we're growing up, I think we often tend to think that we're more mature than our age, or at least, more mature than we think we should be/really are. I spent a lot of years thinking I was more mature than a lot of people my age, partly in due to the fact others told me so, and partly due to the fact it's nearly impossible for us to view ourselves as we really are. So when I felt like I was sooo mature, I was actually just living, breathing, and being a typical ____-year older. Which makes me feel like I shouldn't even be writing this post, since I know I'm not anywhere near as mature as I'll finish being, but, in lieu of certain current events, I definitely am aware of what maturity is really like, as well as what life is like when you're living in constant communication/reliance on Christ.
For example, my beauty and I just got finished being totally screwed over and played by someone I used to live with. I'm not going to get into details, but let's just say, he pulled a fast one on us, in truly professional style.
Now, I think that had this been some years ago, or, because I'm an incredibly varying person depending on the moment, perhaps even just a few days ago when I was in a really negative space, my reaction to this situation would have been very, very different than it has been. There would have been a time where I would have started stalking down different people he knows, trying to get angry and/or cryptic messages to him any way I could, searching the town high and low for the shop his mom owns to tell her what he's done and try to get her to pay for it or contact him, and saying all the right things to cause a worse hurt than the one that he's inflicted (hello, I'm a woman, we are experts at knowing exactly what to say to completely destroy a person on an emotional/mental level, generally surpassing, by far, the level of hurt originally inflicted by the other party involved). But right now, in the moment, instead I chose to pray.
I know I'm probably losing or have lost some of you by this point, but honestly, after I was able to collect myself and get my jaw to come up off the floor and close, I decided I needed to pray for his soul, and those of the brothers and sisters out there like him. This was/is my prayer:
I pray for all those {{ brothers && sisters }} who steal, the ones who cheat each other. The ones who struggle so much, the overflow falls on upon those that are around. I pray for the ones who lie, the ones that hurt because they're hurting, and the ones who think that short cuts and quick pay are the only way. I pray that they realize their worth, and learn the easy way, what the results of their actions are, instead of the hard. I pray they can escape the hustle and flow of taking what they can when they've got a chance, and aspire to consciously do more for themselves and our kind. I pray that they Be Blessed, in spite of it all. B/c the hardest ones to love, are those that need it most, and can come out shining the brightest.
I can promise you, if I didn't have all my cards stacked in God's favor, there's no way in Hades I'd be praying for this guy or any of the others out there like him to be blessed. I'd be throwing down swear words and trying to muster up some spells to send his way like the witch I sometimes pretended to be. If I didn't have full faith in God, and know that the only one who's really going to suffer is the one who does some unconscious, cruel thing against one of his brothers or sisters, this would be an entirely different ball game. And I'd be throwing fast pitches straight at some skulls.
It's still really hard for me to believe that this is what's happened, but I might be even more surprised by my honest desire for him to be blessed and feel love, and the sadness I feel for the situation as a whole. Agitation is underlying, but when I really think about it, that's not what I feel, and it's certainly not what I'm choosing to embrace or expel.
This is a lesson learned, and if the main thing I get out of it, is to love right on through the tough stuff, then you know what? It's not such a bad one! I know I am a good person, and I will continue to be one. And because I believe this, I know that only blessings and beauty can come in whatever it might be. I just wish that more people realized the good in them, and didn't succumb to the hopelessness that seems to surround and consume them.
Please, if you're out there are you think the only way to live is to hustle, or that since you've been doing it so long, there's no way to stop, get out, get "good," please, I beg you to know that's not true. The Lord loves you so much, no matter what you've done, and there's always time to turn back and make a change. Your true essence, our true essence, it's so beautiful, it's so pure, it's so wonderful, it's love. You're better than you know, and far, far better than you could imagine. I love you, and I hope God blesses you.
<3
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