Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Epiphany of a Lifetime

Whoaaa amigoooss! It's been so long! Well, I'm not sure how long it's really been, and I'm sure it hasn't been as long as I feel like it has, but when you have a computer and no internet, time seems to dddddrrrrrraaaaaagggggg onnnnn. It's good though, because one of the reasons I was so excited to return to Spain was so I could return to a life with less technology involved. However, they have come quite far since my last time here, and now smartphones are almost as common case as they are in the good ol USofA. But not to fear, I have made the conscious decision to rely on my cell phone to help me survive much less than I do in the States, and to trust and rely more on God and my instincts. (Also the directions of other people acquired through actual conversation, not navi systems.) So far, so good, and I'm going to keep with this trend.

Now, let's get down to business, because I have A LOT to catch you up on about mi vida Espanola. From the trip over, to the first week, to now, and everything in between!

When I think about my days, it doesn't seem like I've had much going on, but then when I really think about it, I realize that everything, to me, is a big deal and some sort of monumental moment, because it's all so new. Every single experience I have here is new, and that is what I was searching for. I needed to get to a point in my life where I didn't know what to expect, I didn't have a plan, and I wasn't trying to be or do anything in particular, but just live in the moment, let life happen, and enjoy it all the way through. I needed to regain my appreciation for life, and learn to just love myself, trust myself, and accept who and what I am. And even though I've only been here for about 12 days, that's exactly what has happened.

I had the most amazing, inexplicable epiphany the other morning, that has left me feeling so renewed, centered, accepting of myself, and complete. It was like God decided to gift me with the answers to the questions that most of us, if not all of us, spend our entire lives trying to answer, even if we don't realize it -- who am I? what am I? where am I going? what is my purpose here?

Since I got here, I have been spending a lot of time completely alone. I am living in a huge apartment by myself until I find one of my own, and didn't have any friends in Sevilla for about the first week and a half I was here. The last time I was abroad, my mom gave me a daily devotional book called Jesus Calling, written by Sarah Young. It has short tid-bits to read each morning, and for the last three years I've been trying to read it every day, think about what it's saying, and start my day with thoughts of God. Well, it's easier said than done, even though the book is fun-sized, and the devotionals don't even take up a full page. At best, I would read it, and that was rarer than I'd care to admit. But then, I would try to think about it while I got ready for the day, at which point, thinking about it was already not happening. But this time, it's different.

I started fresh! I was almost two weeks into the month, but that's not really what I mean by it. I mean that I re-read the intro, and let it resonate with me. I wanted to feel and hear what she talked about hearing and feeling from God through spending time meditating on and with Him. I was desperate for it, and determined to make it happen.

For so long I've asked God to speak to me in a clear voice like so many have talked about, but it hasn't happened. I haven't been ready. And maybe I never will hear His voice, but the things I've been thinking in my time with Him can only be messages from Him. Each day I read the devotional, talk it out, think about it, talk to Him, and pray while I'm reading it. I take breaks and really think about and process certain parts that really click, and sometimes, just sit in silence. It has been the most rewarding time alone I've ever spent, and leaves me feeling so full of warmth, joy, happiness, and love. It has become a time of day that I look forward to, and instead of seeking other things, I now seek this time with Him to reboot.

It was a few days ago that I was blessed with the answers, or better yet, feelings, that I needed to have in order to begin to live my life in the way I am supposed to -- living and loving in and of the here and now.

It's so simple, but so hard to do. For the last almost 24-years I have been searching, seeking, wanting, hoping, trying to discover this answer. I haven't been living and loving myself and life in the present moment, because I've been too concerned about what each moment would produce and what my behavior conveyed. I couldn't be happy with myself, because I was striving to be, instead of just being. Now, that is done. Now, I love who I am, who I'm deciding to be, who I want to be, and the things I want to do. And because I'm so content with myself and accepting of who I am and who I'm not, I am not worried about conveying a certain image to anyone. I don't care anymore! Before it was a constant desire to be liked and accepted by everyone I met, but now, I love myself so much, the way I should, that I know that I will only find the right people. The people that will love me for who I am as I am, and not just everyone who I meet. It's such a relief to feel this free from the constant struggle to fit in!

My 2012 resolution was to live with no regrets. That could have meant not waking up in the morning and regretting something I'd done, or not thinking about a moment I let slip by and regretting not taking it. And this has helped me to think through things more, and end up completely satisfied with the path I've been following. Maybe it's because I have finally moved back to Spain, something I've been focusing on and wanting for 2.5 years, but I know I am in the right place, doing the right thing.

I think a lot of my feeling so sure about myself and my choices has to do with the fact that they are good ones. I am becoming the person I think God wants me to be, and created me to be, and for that, He is assuring me more than ever before about who I am and where I'm going. I am choosing to be a good person, full of life, love, and happiness, and a person that shares that with other people. I am choosing to actively seek a life that is lived in closer connection to Him, and other people. I am choosing to give up my addiction to TV and technology, and trying to be perfect, and start living my life out in the world, rather than through a device or attempt. I have chosen to take the big leap of faith and move to another part of the world, all by myself, to test my faith, strengthen it, and discover who I really am.

I knew I needed to get away from everything I already knew and try something like this, but it has only just recently become clear to me just how badly I needed to get out and be bold with my life. It's been the most rewarding thing I could have hoped for, and it's only just begun. I believe in the experiences I have and the people I meet. I believe that they have been, like all the rest, hand selected just for me. My life is by design, and not mine, and until very recently, I wasn't okay accepting that. But now, to know that I don't have to worry, stress, or think too hard about any of it, is the most amazing feeling ever. I feel light and carefree like never before, like I can breath and live again!

This is just the tip of the iceberg on what's been going on in my life since the big move, but to prevent you from having to read a novel, I will break it all up. I should be moving into a flat of my own in the next week, and can start to write more frequently and post often! :) Until then, please consider doing something crazy and bold in your life. I can't explain so simply just how incredible it has been for my mentality and outlook, and I want everyone to experience the release that I have. There is so much you can do with your life, so never settle and just take something you think you deserve. You're worth so much more than you know or understand, and the impact you can have will never be known unless you break the mold and go out on a limb. End up where you are supposed to, not where you think you're supposed to because society and it's trend tells you so. But, if in your life, you are happy and content, then stay where you are, because you have found Atlantis. Just because this has been the way for me, doesn't mean it is for you. I only know that I couldn't find my inner peace, until I stirred the pot and destroyed all the peace I thought I knew. And as much as you can, make your own reality!

Blessings to all <3

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