Sunday, May 18, 2014

Gosh Dang It, Greed Got Me!

As I step up to the slate, I bring some heavy emotions with me. I found out a couple weeks ago about my new placement for the coming year (auxiliary program), and I've been placed in a high school (joy) in Ecija. It's a town that has a population of 40,000 people, and it's 80km from Sevilla. So, pretty much...I screwed myself. I wanted to change schools, leaving behind my amazing situation in the high school I currently work in, in hopes of being placed somewhere in Sevilla's city center. I wanted to leave the world of assisting in high schools, and try life out in a primary school. I wanted to stay in Sevilla because I love it, and I have an academy job here, so the potential for me to save money is huge. This would have enabled me to pull doubles one more year, and then be free to go explore and do volunteer work without being concerned with when my next check was coming in. I was being greedy, and thinking about money, instead of thinking about what's important: my happiness and being grateful for what I already have. But every time I thought about what I wanted, I would think "Sevilla," but also think, "somewhere new," I would doubt if staying another year was really what I wanted, sending out a mixed signal to the Universe, and now, I'm still in Sevilla the province, but I'm not in Sevilla the city. I'm in Sevilla, but I'm not. Just like I thought for.


When I looked on a map at where Ecija is, my heart immediately sunk and my first words were, "I'm not going." According to Google maps, it's in the middle of nowhere, and after my brief trip to see the town today, I can verify that it in fact is literally in the middle of nowhere. The nearest cities are Cordoba (50km) and Sevilla. It's between two amazing places, but not near enough that I could live in either. Meaning, I would have to live there, and see my students all. the. time. Which might not sound so bad, and may not be, but I just prefer to keep my work life separate from my "regular" life. Not because I am getting drunk on the weekends and don't want to run into a student or their parents, that's not the case at all. I just would like to be able to go to the fruit shop or grocery store without running into my workweek while I'm there.

I should probably give Ecija a little more credit though. If I hadn't been walking through the narrow cobblestone streets thinking about how I would be "leaving Sevilla for this," I would have been walking around and been so charmed by the place, commenting on how great it would be to live in a place like that for a while. But since I was thinking about having to live there for nine months, I was having a hard time mustering my usual excitement. There were still moments when I would stop and look at something, see beauty and feel the charm the town has, but then Sevilla would come back to my mind, and I'd just walk away. It didn't help that I had a serious caffeine hangover (deficit and headache) while I was there, so I wasn't in the highest of spirits.

I realize now just how spoiled and lucky I've been to have been placed in a place that's so close to Sevilla I can live in it, and wonder if I could ever really find myself satisfied living anywhere in Andalucia that's not Sevilla and doesn't have a beach/sea or ocean access. And as I sit here in La Alameda in Sevilla, looking at all the people enjoying coffees, copas (mixed drinks), beers and friends in the breeze, listening to a group of people who brought a guitar, and are playing Sevillanas (a type of music), singing, and providing impromptu entertainment for all of us here at the bar in the plaza, I see that the magic that Sevilla has, that I haven't experienced anywhere else I've ever been, and never been able to really put a finger on, is that it is so, so alive. And while I consider myself so overly blessed for having been able to live here for the last year and a half, I also know I probably would never be ready to leave this place, and therefore should just go when I have to.

Holy crap I'm going to miss this place... :-(

When I was putting in my application for a renewal in the program, I thought that I should change regions so I could give another part of Spain a chance, but was too caught up thinking about the fact I already have a second job here, and if I switched to a new place, would have to hope to find another one. (I want to have two jobs for one more year so I can earn a lot of money, so I can save a lot of money, so starting in the summer of 2015, I can begin a "one year" [open-ended, or "till the money runs dry"] trip through Asia, Australia, New Zealand, South America and Central America, exploring, and doing various types of volunteer work all along the way. Essentially, I want to save up so I can really start living a life that centers around my passions.) This caused me not to change regions, but to try and switch centers. But, we don't have control of where they put us, and no matter how much good energy and support I put into my note on the application, asking to please stay in Sevilla and not be in a high school, it's always going to be up to them. In simple terms: I was being greedy, thinking in terms of euros, padding my bank account "quickly and easily" (not so quickly, really, nine months, nor so easily, really, teaching two jobs), and have found myself instead out of Sevilla, and still in a high school. I guess in a way it's comical. But the bottom line remains the same: Greed ain't good!!

I'm going with God on this one. I am going to apply for jobs in academies in Ecija, and see what happens. If I don't get one, I am most likely not going to move there. Instead I will stay here in Sevilla and keep my one job in the academy, and not save so much money, or I will go teach in Peru, or I will go to Hawaii and WWOOF (work on organic farms). They're all good options really, as none involve a cubicle, but the one I really wanted isn't on the list, and that's never easy to accept. Everything happens for a reason, and I know that there is always a blessing to be found. Those are the thoughts I am choosing to embrace, and that is the reality I will know.

Never forget the power of the mind! Never forget that "what you resist, persists," or that you can select the thoughts you allow to hang out in your head. These will affect and transform everything around you, and the Universe in general. And if you're having a hard time keeping them happy, have a coffee, and get back on track! (Whatever your fix is, mine just happens to be a coffee! If 11:30 hits and I haven't had one, all hope is lost until I do.... it's something I'm trying to work on:)

All is well, all is right, all is beautiful. Breath and Be!

Blessings, Love & Light to you sweet souls!
May you encounter only goodness in your life, and be grateful for those not-so-sunny things that find their way into your path!

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