Sunday, May 11, 2014

Gotta Talk It Out

On the outside, I may appear to be a very open person. And, to be honest, on many levels I am. But not on all of them, and not on some levels that are pretty important.

I can't tell you how often I suppress and eat my feelings and words, just so I don't have to expose them to others (in turn, I think, making it "easier" for me not to expose them to myself). I'm not sure if it's because I have had many friends over the years who overly-burden the people around them with negatively perceived emotions and moments, leaving me in a state of resistance to this; or if it's just how I'm programmed -- share what is positive, and just try to ignore and escape the rest. Either way, it's not exactly the healthiest way to live, and I've been working on being more open, embracing, and accepting with and of everything over the years.

I've definitely made great strides, and I know my throat chakra has strengthened a lot over the years, since I'm now not as afraid to say what's really going on in my heart and head. However, there are still some very personal emotions and moments that I keep to myself, and try to cure on my own. But I learned recently, that if there is something that's causing you pain, it's not necessarily a burden to others if you share it with them, it's part of how we heal. And more importantly, it's necessary.

I encountered my first real heartbreak within the last six months. It was heavy, it was hurtful, and because it was a foreign feeling, I didn't know what emotions and mentality would follow it. Let's just say, I think I unknowingly slipped into a bit of a depression, and absolutely let my positive thinking slip with it. I watched the sad, judgmental, mean, and negative thoughts run through my mind, and where I'd normally steer them into a direction of love and gratitude, I just let them play around in my head. I dwelled a lot in the past, over-thought, re-thought, examined, and brooded.

Without getting into too much detail, I will say this: it has to do with my last relationship and the way things ended. What happened, or I guess what didn't happen, left me feeling more confused, abandoned, hurt, and empty than anything anyone's ever done to me before. And I've put up with a lot of crap from people over the last 25 years. So that, in combination with two other hard-on-the-heart encounters within a four week period, caused me to retract a bit. I can be a pretty sensitive person, and to deal with three tough things in the course of six weeks, definitely sent me into a place I haven't really hung out in before. A place where I stayed, without even noticing, for nearly three and a half months.

This place I hung out in involved a lot of beer (for me, the girl who was used to having only a glass or two of wine each week), a lot of self-doubt, a lot of confusion, a lot of over-thinking, a lot of searching, a lot of wondering, and a lot of a bunch of other stuff that is not at all aligned with being spiritual and accepting of all. I was really burnt out at work, so the combination of it all definitely resulted in one unmotivated teacher, and distant person. Shoot.

Then, I went to Portugal for a plan-less camping weekend, and ended up meeting someone who, oddly enough, was and is dealing with a nearly identical situation to mine. When we first started talking about our situations, I was going to hold back. Some questions came to mind, but I wanted to push them away, because I didn't want to be too intrusive. But then I decided to say screw it, because it's better to ask a question and let the other person choose not to answer, than not to ask, and just keep eating your thoughts and feelings. I wanted to take the conversation to the next level, and I wanted to stop remaining on the surface with certain subjects. And it turned out that his answers were the same as mine, and it led us to a way deeper level of conversation, understanding and support, and magically enough, it actually enabled me to really, truly begin curing.

I think that after a couple months, there's definitely some curing that happens, some ground that's covered. It makes sense it would work that way, it's natural. But if you're still brooding and munching on your thoughts by yourself, I think it's absolutely impossible to really heal all the way. And I daresay that's what leads people to become [a little] insane and obsessive after something hard happens to them. You've gotta get it out of your system, have a conversation about it all, and just admit what's going on in your mind. I didn't expect that that one conversation, let alone with someone I barely know, would result in the freedom and happiness that it did, but man, it's been amazing! In the days that immediately followed our talk, I felt such a huge difference in myself. Unfortunately, I didn't even realize how far I had gotten from my usual, positive, loving, happy self until I started to actually, really cure and move on.

It was through all this I realized that keeping things bottled up is really, really horrible, and it actually is like ingesting poison, hoping it will just kill all the bad, and leave the rest unaffected. One of my big pitches in life is to be open -- open minded, open heart, open, open, open -- and yet, here I have been, holding things back, suppressing thoughts, and trying to deal with it inside and alone so I don't have to admit to the thoughts I'd been having. Well, lesson learned!

Hopefully none of you are keeping things bottled in, trying to go it alone. I can't say I'll never do it again, perhaps I'm doing it now, with or without realizing it, but I do know that I am seeing and feeling the difference it makes to open up to people, even if it's someone you just met! So if you are, try to lighten your load. Write it out, draw it, talk to a friend, find a stranger, do anything you can to try and release what's going on in your mind! It can make the difference in your situation and life!

Sending our curing, healing, happy vibes to everyone reading this (and all those who are not)! I hope you have a beautiful, blessed day, and feel the Love & Light that my ear infected-self is sending you! (Don't worry, I'm keeping these "sick vibes" for myself;)

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