(Written on Friday, Edited/Uploaded on Sunday)
For awhile now, a storm has been brewing inside me. I've made the reference before that I am the ocean, and sometimes I'm riding the waves of life and killing it with the surf, but that there are those other times when I am the waves, and I'm crashing down; swirling, twirling, whirling, and destructive to all that is there.
Last time I rode the high for so long, I couldn't even believe how long it was lasting. I thought I had transcended into some hyper-dimension, and was blown away I could maintain it for so many weeks. But for the last few weeks, I've been tired and so incredibly unmotivated. Last night I was talking to a workmate in the academy, telling her how I wasn't sure what to do in the coming year, because I'm feeling pretty unmotivated, and she said that she's noticed that about me the last few weeks. Hearing someone else say that they can see and feel my low energy, is not something that really makes my heart soar. And so I did a lot of thinking as I was biking along, and realized that I really, really, desperately need some time to myself.
I've been so busy with couchsurfers, new friends, people at the house, work, and life outside of work, that I've gotten pretty far from my center, and haven't been taking time to just be with myself and God. I keep filling all my spare moments with other people, and while I love them, it's crucial to take time to just relax and enjoy your own company every once in a while. (I actually recommend doing this daily, and find my mind and life are in such a better place when I do.)
And then, this morning when I woke up, the kitchen was a slight disaster, and it was the breaking point. I left the juice I was making half-done on the counter (yes, ironically contributing to the mess that drove me to the point of running out the door), grabbed my yoga mat, my journal, my devotional book and a pen, and took off for the rooftop of our apartment complex. I needed some time with myself, and more importantly, with God. I needed to come back to myself.
I put myself in child's pose, and then just let myself go. I spoke, I cried, I pleaded, prayed, and thanked Him. I asked Him to help me. To tell me where I'm supposed to go next year, and what I'm supposed to do. I told Him I could feel the storm brewing inside me, and that there was a war that had been waging within for the last weeks, and that I couldn't take it anymore. Nor could I do it alone -- dealing with it, processing it, overcoming it. Doing it alone wasn't an option, and He needed to give me the strength and comfort to continue. I released to Him how lost I've been feeling, and that I'm not sure what to do next year -- do I stay in Sevilla again, or do I just make a last minute decision to move to another country and just find work when I get there? What am I doing here, what should I be doing, what can I do? I gave Him all my questions, concerns, fears, and uncertainties, and bared my soul to Him entirely. And then, something amazing happened. Just moments after releasing this, I stopped, and was overcome by peace, strength, comfort, and my own voice, coming out of my mouth, but with new words, new conviction, and a message of strength.
I told myself, most likely on His behalf, that,
"No, you're not lost. You're never lost. Because as long as you live, He is with you. You're never lost, because he always knows where you are, where you're going, and He ALWAYS goes with you. You're traveling the path He has laid out for you, and have absolutely no reason to feel lost, because you're not. You have nothing to worry about, and nothing to fear [but fear itself]."
And as I was saying the words, I knew I believed them, felt them, and that all was well.
It was so incredible how quickly it all changed. How fast I went from tearful pleading and prayer, to a strong woman full of conviction and rediscovered strength. From feeling like a lost child in the world and in her own skin, to knowing that I'm so far from being lost, and can never really be.
I knew I needed to take some time to speak aloud to the Lord, but man, the sense of security I acquired in just 10 minutes of doing so is insane! And it's sooo amazing to remember that I'm never really lost. No matter how confused I can feel about where I am, what I'm doing, and where and what will come, I don't have to stress about it or brood on the possibilities. Just keep living one pretty lil day at a time, and let the rest fall into place when it wants to. I can't control everything, so why even think too much about it. No point in wasting the beautiful, present moment that is, by thinking about what might be. Nope, can't do it, can't live that way.
So now, I enter into a new week, with new conviction, and a sense of knowing that all is well. It really is. I still have no idea what I'll do next year, but you know what, there are literally unlimited options in the world, so I'll be doing something, and it'll be awesome. ;)
I hope that this brings you some comfort in anything you might be struggling with, and that your life is filled with amazing blessings and beautiful thoughts! We are so wonderfully created, so no matter what else we might be feeling, we can always remember this much!
Blessings, Love & Light to all <3