I'm Not Lost

(Written on Friday, Edited/Uploaded on Sunday)

For awhile now, a storm has been brewing inside me. I've made the reference before that I am the ocean, and sometimes I'm riding the waves of life and killing it with the surf, but that there are those other times when I am the waves, and I'm crashing down; swirling, twirling, whirling, and destructive to all that is there.

Last time I rode the high for so long, I couldn't even believe how long it was lasting. I thought I had transcended into some hyper-dimension, and was blown away I could maintain it for so many weeks. But for the last few weeks, I've been tired and so incredibly unmotivated. Last night I was talking to a workmate in the academy, telling her how I wasn't sure what to do in the coming year, because I'm feeling pretty unmotivated, and she said that she's noticed that about me the last few weeks. Hearing someone else say that they can see and feel my low energy, is not something that really makes my heart soar. And so I did a lot of thinking as I was biking along, and realized that I really, really, desperately need some time to myself.

I've been so busy with couchsurfers, new friends, people at the house, work, and life outside of work, that I've gotten pretty far from my center, and haven't been taking time to just be with myself and God. I keep filling all my spare moments with other people, and while I love them, it's crucial to take time to just relax and enjoy your own company every once in a while. (I actually recommend doing this daily, and find my mind and life are in such a better place when I do.)

And then, this morning when I woke up, the kitchen was a slight disaster, and it was the breaking point. I left the juice I was making half-done on the counter (yes, ironically contributing to the mess that drove me to the point of running out the door), grabbed my yoga mat, my journal, my devotional book and a pen, and took off for the rooftop of our apartment complex. I needed some time with myself, and more importantly, with God. I needed to come back to myself.

I put myself in child's pose, and then just let myself go. I spoke, I cried, I pleaded, prayed, and thanked Him. I asked Him to help me. To tell me where I'm supposed to go next year, and what I'm supposed to do. I told Him I could feel the storm brewing inside me, and that there was a war that had been waging within for the last weeks, and that I couldn't take it anymore. Nor could I do it alone -- dealing with it, processing it, overcoming it. Doing it alone wasn't an option, and He needed to give me the strength and comfort to continue. I released to Him how lost I've been feeling, and that I'm not sure what to do next year -- do I stay in Sevilla again, or do I just make a last minute decision to move to another country and just find work when I get there? What am I doing here, what should I be doing, what can I do? I gave Him all my questions, concerns, fears, and uncertainties, and bared my soul to Him entirely. And then, something amazing happened. Just moments after releasing this, I stopped, and was overcome by peace, strength, comfort, and my own voice, coming out of my mouth, but with new words, new conviction, and a message of strength.

I told myself, most likely on His behalf, that,

"No, you're not lost. You're never lost. Because as long as you live, He is with you. You're never lost, because he always knows where you are, where you're going, and He ALWAYS goes with you.  You're traveling the path He has laid out for you, and have absolutely no reason to feel lost, because you're not. You have nothing to worry about, and nothing to fear [but fear itself]."

And as I was saying the words, I knew I believed them, felt them, and that all was well.

It was so incredible how quickly it all changed. How fast I went from tearful pleading and prayer, to a strong woman full of conviction and rediscovered strength. From feeling like a lost child in the world and in her own skin, to knowing that I'm so far from being lost, and can never really be.

I knew I needed to take some time to speak aloud to the Lord, but man, the sense of security I acquired in just 10 minutes of doing so is insane! And it's sooo amazing to remember that I'm never really lost. No matter how confused I can feel about where I am, what I'm doing, and where and what will come, I don't have to stress about it or brood on the possibilities. Just keep living one pretty lil day at a time, and let the rest fall into place when it wants to. I can't control everything, so why even think too much about it. No point in wasting the beautiful, present moment that is, by thinking about what might be. Nope, can't do it, can't live that way.

So now, I enter into a new week, with new conviction, and a sense of knowing that all is well. It really is. I still have no idea what I'll do next year, but you know what, there are literally unlimited options in the world, so I'll be doing something, and it'll be awesome. ;)

I hope that this brings you some comfort in anything you might be struggling with, and that your life is filled with amazing blessings and beautiful thoughts! We are so wonderfully created, so no matter what else we might be feeling, we can always remember this much!

Blessings, Love & Light to all <3

Lost.

This whole game of life is quite an interesting one. We're born a beautiful ball of wonder and joy, with nothing in our minds other than all the colors, voices, and sounds around us. We can't talk, walk, and we can barely even express ourselves. Then as we grow up we learn how to crawl, which turns into walking (with the help of the most sturdy object around us), and eventually we can walk on our own, run, skip, and dance. Our whole lives consistent of chapters. For many like myself those chapters include pre-school, kindergarten, middle school, junior high, high school, college, and then. . .?

It is at this new, unknown, and unguided chapter that I find myself. Not sure of where I will end up, what I will do, who will be in my life, or if I will even be alive. I know that last one is a bit of a morbid direction to take things, but let's face it, I'm here to tell the raw truth. 

For many people out there, like my sister, they grow up knowing what they would like to do with their lives. They go through high school and apply to the universities that offer the best programs for their desired studies, and then go to college and study just that. Next comes graduating and beginning a career that they have always known to be "just what they wanted to do." But there's also a handful of us out there who know very little about what we want to do, and to be honest, for us it kinda sucks. Of course I enjoy the thrill of the unknown, but when the unknown is my entire future, it becomes a bit scarier. I think I would be more excited about the prospect of moving to a foreign country where I don't speak the language or know anyone, than not know in the slightest what my future has in store for me. 

I am a college grad who is still living in Chico (where I graduated), working a minimum wage job, part-time (and that's if I'm lucky that week). And since completing my studies in mid-December, I can't even tell you how many times I've had moments of, "What the fudge am I doing with my life!?" or "Is this really what I'm doing with my life right now!?" 8O =/ =E I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I currently can't seem to see even a sliver of it. My usual positive, adventurous, don't-worry-everything-will-be-alright attitude is failing to make an appearance tonight, and I can only pray that it will strike up again in the morning. 

The world we live in is a very large place. One that holds many opportunities, chances, and destinies. And while I "wait around" for mine to find me, I can't help but reflect back on all those that have come and gone in my life and wonder if maybe one of them was "the one." But then again, I suppose if the "right" opportunity has come and gone, it wasn't ever right from the start...right? I would like to believe that we all end up where we're supposed to be, doing exactly what we're intended to be doing, but the impatient side of me is flipping out that the next big thing in my life hasn't taken form.

I have tomorrow off and think it is time for me to begin writing the next chapter of my life. I can't sit here and wait around for someone to start doing it for me, they need to be busy writing their own! Alas, this blog has once again proved to be an excellent form of self-therapy! :) So now that I am beginning to see a glimmer of light at the end of one [of my] tunnel[s], I will bid you all a'due! Get out there and write your story! 

Because, "If you can dream it, you can achieve it." -Walt Disney