Pondering Thyself

I was in the middle of writing a fairly emo and depressed poem, when my mood changed so quickly, I just couldn't continue it. I felt and noticed how I went from being in such a deep state of mulling over, considering, and thinking, "How much longer can I go on // take," to dancing on my bed, singing out loud, and laughing at myself for how much fun I was having, and it has left me really wondering how and why this happens. Because, truth be told, it happens to me, perhaps every day.

I've known that I suffer from extremely noticeable (mostly to myself) highs and lows for some time now, and haven't often wondered about the sense behind them. But when it happens in the middle of writing a poem, walking down the street, doing any other seemingly unimportant task, then I wonder, "What flicks?" What has suddenly clicked and/or shifted within me to make me go from being on the point of quitting a job, to not really caring much about anything, because happiness is the only thing I feel? Have you ever experienced it and wondered about this before?

There could be any number of reasons why this sudden shift occurs within us, and I am going to keep studying myself like a science project till the day I die, undoubtedly drawing countless conclusions about anything that happens, but I guess I'd have to figure, for now, that it's because the attention/focus shifts. It goes from this place of dwelling on whatever it is that's causing this negative rush within us, to whatever we are doing, which probably, hopefully, isn't related to the former. And because we simply take our deepest thought processes off this unpleasant source, our true essence -- love, light, infinite, bright energy -- can shine through, take over, and conquer, leaving us in a relative state of bliss (especially in comparison to what we were feeling/thinking before)!

Whatever the heck is going on, I hope that these bursts keep on coming and taking over everything in me that wants to dwell and stay in the unhappy place I'm too often drifting into! I am definitely in one of the harder periods of time I've faced in a while, and I'm not going to lie, every single day, most moments, it's a struggle. The battle in my mind is raging on as if some nuclear bombs had just been dropped on my brain, and it's been hard as hell to fight back with positivity. So much so, that in more moments than I'd care to admit, I'm not. I'm succumbing too frequently to all this. And I know that denial of reality and emotions and etc isn't healthy or the way to do it, but neither is entertaining them like some long-awaited, cheerfully invited guests. I'm working on finding the balance, and regaining my ground against these matters. I can only stock my artillery with reminders of the blessings I see and receive, and try my darnedest to focus on the good that is present in all situations.

That said, please do pray for me, meditate good energy my way, activate anything good in you, and wish it my way, if you please. I'd appreciate some extra strength being sent my way, and am sending it right back to you, too! We're all Earthlings, and we're here to support each other. When any of my brothers or sisters needs a boost, that's what I'd like to provide. And now, I'm the sister who needs a boost. I need to restrengthen my mind, so I can overcome these thoughts and feelings that keep sinking their teeth into me. So please, pray. :)

We're all in this together 

((((life)))) 

On this together 

((((Earth)))) 

And if we can't depend on one another, 

Then why do we keep making more of ourselves!? 

;))))

I love you brothers and sisters, Earth and Motherverse, Heavenly Father, and every creature that calls this place hOMe! I hope that you are having a very Happy Humpday, and can be strong enough to know that persistence is the key to all in this life!

Send blessings to others, and you too shall receive them!

Insane Blessings, Love & Light to you all!

<3

Internal Turmoil

Written November 27, 2014

I try to be as positive as possible in most situations, push away the negative thoughts and feelings, and try to find the light in all. I trust and know that everything happens for a reason, and that truly, in every situation, no matter how ugly it might seem, there's a blessing to be found. And I normally try not to write about anything "negative" that's happening, because I don't want to give it more energy and strength. But, I think it's a little fake to only put out the pretty, and every once in a while, I've gotta let the struggle out. And right now, I'm reflecting on the work week that's about to come to an end, and I'm not afraid to say, "This week has been a really hard week for me."

On the one hand, there have been so, so many big, obvious blessings delivered to me. But on the other hand, and in spite of it all, I've had a couple days where I was feeling so passionless and unmotivated. I found out both my jobs end in May, meaning I can go travel with my grandma, mom and sister/take the month of June to travel, and still move home right after my Kinesiology course finishes in July. Which is cool, because I've been struggling a little bit with wanting to do a final trip for a few weeks (month) when the year ends, but also feeling like I should just get home and be with my grandma. Now, because of this blessing, I don't have to make a decision! And, I found out that the gal who's taking over the academy classes I was supposed to, is going to start them sooner than expected, meaning that I will not be as crazy-stressed-&-stretched-too-thin as I've been waiting to be! Yay and praise God on both counts!

So how could I possibly be feeling unmotivated and like I'm leading a life without passion in the midst of all these amazing revealings? (Input welcome.)

Perhaps, it's because what goes up must come down. But I generally choose to refute that when it comes to my emotional state. :) Perhaps it's because I got overly-stressed with everything I'm trying to do/doing. But I was definitely working more hours last year, and didn't feel as crazy. It could be any number of things, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination.

I'm choosing to believe that it's
1.) Because I've figured out what I want to do with my life, and it's causing me to feel overwhelmed at how much I think I might have to do to get where I want to be, as well as a little anxious/ready to just get on with it. Since I'm quite a passionate person, it's difficult for me to know I'm dedicating so much time and energy to something that isn't my primary source of passion.
2.) Because I've gotten quite tired, and when I get tired, I make unhealthy eating choices, etc, etc, etc, I am not loving myself, therefore I cannot love others, and every one of my students becomes the enemy.
3.) I'm a bit tired of giving so much of my time and energy to people who sit without appreciation, making fun of everything and everyone, and just generally being unmotivated about many things that involve much personal depth. As well as tired of the personal conflict I feel in contributing to the school system, when it's not exactly a system or a way that I support and/or believe in.

In any case, I had some really tough days, and decided to let it out on the page. I've got all my faith placed in the hands of God, and am choosing to now, more than before, say the "negative" things with confidence, trusting He'll take care of me no matter what!

I hope that your weeks have been bright, and your spirits high, after all, it's the season to smile! 

Blessings, Love & Light to all you lovely freaks and fairies out there!